Triggering (ED): Anorexia & I

[XxCaMeRyNxYuMxX]

I felt like makeing a post here to hopefully get out one of my few problems I have in life. Im a boy in highschool (But im as well genderqueer and dress and act as both genders.) [Sorry I had to add that because useually guys go out of there way to be bulky and tougher atleast from what iv seen.] And I have a issue with food. I can't really remember from where it started or if it just progressed over time- but for months or maby over a year iv been makeing it #1 priority to be thin- Back when it was really bad I felt so drained of energy I would struggle to get out of bed and my weight is useually all thats on my mind, every day I have to count all of my calories or else if the calories arnt measurable or written I wont eat it, and its really embarrissing in front of my friends of how I have to bring food with me whenever I go out from long periods of time and I don't know when ill be back and if I get pressured into eating something it feels like guilt has swept a huge blanket over me. I feel constant shame whenever I eat because I know I wont gain any weight but "What will people think of me if they see me eating" or ill have stupid moments where ill worry that I measured wrong. Yet every - every other day im allways told by friends and random people that im "Beautifull" and I should model and blah blah blah. And I have such a large amount of confedence but I wonder sometimes if its worth knowing that when other people look at me they say "I wish I was that thin" which are words I say to those who are even larger than me- And drag myself through a miserable life. Im not as bad as I once was and I hope I never relapse like when I was when I would ignore the outside world and lay in bed wishing I did'nt have to deal with life.

If anyone would like to comment I don't mind what you say, I promiss not to be offended. And I deffinatly welcome anyone who wants to talk.