oldest daughter rant

[luvada]

This is my first time posting here lol, I used to post on the Teen Line forum a couple of years ago but I think it got taken down. Anyway, I'm just frustrated with my mother. She's always been extremely overbearing when it comes to me, I guess because I'm her first child (the first of 5). And although it's always been suffocating, I understand why she was like that when I was younger; but I'm almost 19 now and she still has not changed.

I'm trying to apply for apartments for the next school year and she is refusing to have a conversation about it. I'm in my first year of college, I'm one of the few freshmen I know who work while in school, I've been paying for school, housing, and food (with some help from FAFSA). To sum it up, I've been supporting myself throughout college, and this isn't a new trend; I've been working since my junior year of high school (which is pretty common I think). And I hate how with documents and paperwork for apartments, I need my mother's assistance, even though I would be paying for everything. And of course, she refuses because she is incapable of seeing me as nothing but a child. And whenever she does choose to acknowledge the topic, she only comes up with reasons it wouldn't work. She wants me to either stay home and commute (which is exhausting not to mention there's no longer an actual room for me to sleep in at home) or dorm (which I had to fight to even have this option last year).

I'm currently living in a dorm and although I enjoy being close to my school and friends, I hate the actual dynamic of dorming and can't do it again. Living in a small room with 3-beds fit into it has not exactly been the highlight of my year. I love my roommates, but it so suffocating not to have your room. sometimes you just need a moment to yourself and it's impossible to get that in dorms. Which leads me back to the apartments. I just need a space to myself, I feel like I haven't gotten that in such a long time. The college itself is so hard (well as a nursing major) and other factors in my life don't make it any better. I'm trying to figure ways that work around my mother but everything seems like a dead end.

I think this situation is causing me to spiral again and I don't want to go through that while in school. I won't be able to handle it. I don't know what to do.

I'll see if I ever end up posting here again.

[Ennui.]

It sounds like you are a mature adult who is doing a lot to support yourself. You should be proud of yourself for doing all that you do! It also sounds like your mom is having a difficult time accepting the reality that her children are starting to grow up and don't need her as much anymore. It's hard for some parents to come to terms with the fact that their children aren't the little kids that they once were and that they're becoming their own people.

Do you think when your mother tells you all of the reasons this won't work that you can tell her you need to be allowed to make mistakes and fail sometimes, because that's how you learn and grow? No adult gets everything right but if you don't put yourself out there you'll never be able to see what works and doesn't work for you. I'm not saying that you are going to fail, because it does seem like you have a good head on your shoulders, I'm just saying that every person out there has things that just don't go right, but it was still a necessity for them to experience those things. Maybe you can explain that to her?

You can also tell her that IF things don't go right, you'll consider commuting or living back in the dorms, but you really want to get this new experience first and at least give it a chance to work. Instead of "what if my daughter fails," turn it into "what if my daughter succeeds?"

If you think the issue is what I mentioned above about your mom not accepting her children are getting older, maybe you can make some compromises with her like being sure to video chat with her on your day off for a while so she can still talk to you.