Triggering (Abuse): A Series of Graphic Health Incidents. Strong language.

[oulv]

TL;DR: Parent 1 gets new & reliable medication but has a huge seizure instead, gets a third-degree burn a few days later, leaves me alone in the house to get brain surgery for a tumor, bedbound for months, currently somewhat better but brain surgery & stress has changed their personality to the point of abusive. Therapy and counseling is not an option.


BACKGROUND

• I have no siblings, pets, whatever. I'm in a family of three.
• I have no other relatives in my country.
• To preserve anonymity, I'll be referring to my parents as Parent 1 and Parent 2.
• I'm in the US. Not sure if this is expected since I'm very new to this site lol.
• I am not above sixteen years old.

PART 1

All of this started six months ago.
Parent 2 was out on a business trip to a distant state, leaving me and Parent 1 in the household. I was in the middle of a handful of consecutive teacher workdays, so no school either.
Parent 1 got new medication from a hospital they'd been visiting for a decade; both the med and the hospital are reliable and well-known.

As I wrapped up my lunch, my parent abruptly had a grand mal seizure.

Now, I've researched health conditions and knew exactly what it was when my parent started moaning and mechanically hitting their own chest over and over.
But I was under the mindset of "that'll never happen to anyone I know", so I had never learned how to help them. So cut to me clamping my ears shut and in fetal position in the bathroom as my parent continued to suffer for the next three hundred seconds.
Even then, I was furiously researching how to handle a seizure on my phone. I was still paralyzed by sheer horror, so I had 911 typed in but never called.

Thankfully, the situation resolved with no injuries. Parent 1 & I immediately notified Parent 2, and they comforted and checked in with me through texts and calls very often, which I'm thankful for.

___

PART 2

Parent 1 was quite fatigued after the seizure, even after a few days. Something had been clearly wrong with them before the incident, but no one really knew what. The new medication had been prescribed specifically to treat their fatigue and pain.

Due to the fatigue, they ended up spilling boiling hot water all over their lap.

I was quick to help, but they still had a large burn all over their thighs. Parent 2 was back home at this point, but this happened during their work hours. I was alone again in helping a crisis.

I didn't know the severity for the next couple days since Parent 2 had helped wrap the injury in a gauze. When I finally found out, I saw that the skin was red and black and melting/peeling off. I don't think further description is needed.

___

PART 3

We finally realized that the fatigue and pain was due to a brain tumor. And brain tumors require brain surgery.

The surgery did not have a 100% survival rate.

It was Halloween when it happened. Minors aren't allowed in that part of the hospital, so I had to spend the day and night alone in the house. It was my first time being alone like this.

What did I do? I terrorized trick-or-treaters with loud noises from inside my house and cackled as they noped out. That's about the only thing I did other than stare at my phone to get my mind off of my parent potentially dying.

Boy oh boy did I get wasted on my phone. Twelve hours straight baby.

The surgery was followed by multiple days of recovery. Still not allowed in those areas, so my phone and I were alone for the next four-ish days. Parent 2 visited me in person every now and then at least. Also texted and called me fairly often.

To this day, I'm still severely addicted to electronics due to the "overdose" back then.

___

PART 4

Parent 1 returned, but was bedbound for close to two months. Did I mention that all their hair had fallen off due to chemotherapy? Damn, I liked their hair.

___

CURRENT

To sum up Parent 1's current health:
- Unable to use one (non-dominant) arm. Needs help with basic tasks
- Starving. Struggles to eat half a burger then calls it a lunch (has a cup of juice for breakfast and skips dinner)
- Makes me help change their clothes. Though I technically consent to it, I still have to see them 100% naked. To be fair, we're the same sex but it's still very uncomfortable. I can't refuse to do it due to the reasons below.


As for their mental state. They've done a complete 180.

TL;DR: They went from a mature, emotionally gifted person to having the empathy and temperament of a toddler.

• Extremely passive-aggressive (Me: "I'm so sorry, I forgot!" Them: "Is that something you're proud of? Should I clap and cheer for you? Great job!")
• Often insults me first. They sometimes make fun of how I'm hard of hearing (my minor disability).
• Refuses to listen to me: constantly sighs loudly and stares into the opposite direction the moment I speak. Says it's because "they're just tired"
• Calls their behavior a personal quirk, and tells me to get used to it because that's how people behave in the real world
• No matter how much I apologize and sob-yell that it's my fault, parent ignores this and never lets me go during an argument unless they want to.
• When I clarify my boundaries, they don't follow them for more than two days.
• Forces me to give a long, formal apology every time in which I promise to never start another screaming match again. When it inevitably happens again, parent uses this to call me a liar.

Please know that I am never physically aggressive or go to drastic measures to prove my point. I usually comply with what my parent wants, in the end.

One of the worst things is, they're always the victim. If an argument breaks out when we're cooking, they say that I'm "overreacting to chopping potatoes" and focuses on that instead of the fact that they deliberately provoked me.
When I point out their sighing, they become defensive and tell me to stop "policing their actions all the time and let [them] be".
They tell this to other people who are less aware and make me look insane. ("xx was crying about chopping potatoes again for some reason. Maybe we should stop them from cooking!")

Parent 1 never used to be like this. Never.

Still, my heart breaks to see my parent like this.

___

PARENT 2

Lately they've been patronizing to Parent 2 as well. We're both kinda in this together.

Parent 2 gives great advice. They have lots of life experience and tells me to be thankful that Parent 1 is still here. That giving up erases opportunities for recovery, and to find hope in the smallest things.

But that's about where the good stuff ends. They compare Parent 1's injuries to a missing leg: "You'd feel upset if a parent hobbled over to you in the public. You might be embarrassed, tell them to stop coming up towards your friends. But weather through it and one day, you'll accept them."
I'm doubtful. A missing leg doesn't scream at me or calls me a liar. I try to point out the difference between the physical vs psychological changes, but Parent 2 kind of glosses over that.

And what about the time between today and that "one day" where I accept Parent 1?? I'm facing verbal attacks nearly every other day, sometimes several times a day. Especially when Parent 2 isn't around to give Parent 1 a pep talk about their actions.


CLARIFYING SITUATIONS

• Neither of my parents believe in therapy. They think it's only valid for schizophrenics or war veterans, and call the rest of the people weak for being unable to solve their own problems. They would punish me for trying to connect with a therapist or counselor. I'm not one for secret operations, so I'm very concerned about trying to do it covertly either.
• If I try framing a meeting as "academic stress", Parent 2 would stop me as they always give legitimately good advice as they're a prolific research scientist lol.
• I don't have any best friends or any deep friendships that'll allow me to share this with a peer. Heck, I'm the one who always acts as the therapist.
• Hotlines aren't a substitute for long-term help.
• Aside from teachers, I don't have any other trusted adults. No family friends, religious leaders, coaches, etc.
• I'm an A+ student, but my grades are slipping rapidly. I'm sleeping much more- even at school. Awful thoughts constantly invade my mind. I'm showing depressive symptoms.
• I already keep a journal and voice recordings of arguments, create music to express my feelings, take deep breaths, go out for a walk, everything in the book.

I don't know how to end this. Take this as a vent, but I do need help in how to go about things right now. Sorry for being vague, but it's just so much for me.
I've learned recently to give up trying to make a brain-damaged person understand something they can't, but I'd be damned if rawdogging through their insults and abuse(?) is the only other option.

[¯|_(ツ)_|¯]

I'm sorry that this is happening. This is a super scary situation to be in. I've had parents with health conditions such as cancer and COPD, and it's hard to watch them go through that.

It might be that your parent is taking their stress out on you. When people are sick sometimes they get really snippy or rude. I'm not saying that this is okay, it just may offer an explanation. Do you think your parents would allow you to talk to their doctor about what is going on so you can get a better understanding of what is going on with your parent and how to try and improve the situation? I know you're still a minor but I've been to appointments with my parents before and it's helped me understand. The doctor probably will be able to say things in a way you would understand.

What about a teacher for a trusted adult, since you're in school? Or a guidance counselor at school? They may be able to offer some support or even host a family meeting with everyone.

[oulv]

Thank you so much for taking the time to read through everything. It's my first time taking it off my chest—phew!

I've suspected that their behavior might be due to their stress; Parent 2's also mentioned that possibility while reassuring me.

I haven't been to the hospital in a long time... I believe there's been a policy a few years back so that minors aren't allowed in the exact areas where my parent frequents. I don't know why exactly, but it'll make it hard to talk to a doctor about this.

Like I've said, neither of my parents believe in therapy, counselling, really any external help at all.

• "Neither of my parents believe in therapy... They would punish me for trying to connect with a therapist or counselor. I'm not one for secret operations, so I'm very concerned about trying to do it covertly either.
• If I try framing a meeting as "academic stress", Parent 2 would stop me as they always give legitimately good [academic] advice..." (Clarifying Situations)

[Arabesque- golfing girl.]

Hello, I am sorry about all of this that is happening and I hope that you will be okay soon. Try talking to somebody at school if you can, a teacher or the school counselor.

[oulv]

I wish I could get help. I so, so wish. I want to shout from the rooftops that I'm not okay, but there's really nobody I could reach out to under my parents' watch.


Which reminds me. They not only think therapy is useless, but they're actively convincing me that this situation isn't too horrible.

They say that I should be reserving these spots for kids who are being beaten at home and have survived wars and disasters. Or, at the very least, struggling with something like ADHD that's severely impacting their abilities at school and home.

Not this.

I admit that my grades haven't dropped terribly, and I keep my disturbing (non-suicidal) thoughts well hidden. And they have minimized my feelings when I spoke up about my mental state.

Yes, this is nothing compared to war survivors and people whose mental disorders are ruining their lives. But does this really make therapy such a bad option?

I just want to know if I'm justified, or if I'm being an overdramatic minor.

[¯|_(ツ)_|¯]

I think you’re very justified. Going through what you are can be very traumatic and can affect every area of your life. There’s no “bad enough” for therapy. J think everyone can benefit from therapy at some point in their lives, especially when they are going through what you are.

[Mindfulness.]

Hi there,

I'm so sorry to hear what you have experienced. It can definitely be scary when a loved one suffers from medical episodes.

If you ever need to talk, my inbox is always open.

[oulv]

Thank you all. I've been facing these kinds of daily put-downs from my own parent for quite a few months now, but it seems like they're finally starting to behave like their old self again.

That being said, it's clear that they still lack self-awareness in what they did to me. Although they're much less aggressive when that topic is brought up, they don't understand what was so bad about their behavior then. It's bewildering to wonder how such a kind person could think that insulting their own child every day is acceptable behavior, but I'm certain that this is yet another side effect from the brain surgery.
I'm focusing on building new, better memories with them now instead of trying to make them understand.

Their physical health is becoming more noticeable now that their personality is mostly settled. They have the physique of current Ariana Grande, which is bad. No fainting whatsoever (from what I've seen), and no amount of convincing from Parent 2 seems to be changing anything. I've tried gently sharing snacks, asking them outright about eating anything, really any strategy that I could think of. I'm desperately hoping that this won't contribute to another medical emergency that I'll have to witness.

I can't bear to see another one from the same person, over and over.

I still don't have access to any type of professional external support, and probably won't for a very long time. I'll try making my venting to Parent 2 more systematic, (agreeing on a certain time and time limit for those discussions) since Parent 1 started bawling at me a few days ago about how they can't bear to see the family falling apart if my venting to Parent 2 (as well as every single other problem that we're having. They're also at high risk of losing their job, by the way) gets to them emotionally.