Triggering (Bullying): I have childhood trauma from bullying

[TH Anonymous]

[SIZE="a"]Hello,
I have been bullied several times ever since kindergarten, by different people who didn’t know each other. The last time I was bullied was 2 years ago. So much bullying during my formative years makes me not feel safe around people I’m not friends with and/or don’t know. I’m not free. Also, I think I have some sort of trauma because whenever there’s bullying scenes in movies or talk about things bullies can do to their victims, I get triggered : I feel scared, unsafe, I get chills down my spine, like I shouldn’t have seen the trigger in question, like they should’ve put a warning before so I could’ve skipped it. I want to break from the chains of fear and finally enjoy life, enjoy school and meeting new people without this weight on my chest. It also makes everything more difficult as it robs me of my confidence. How can you be confident if you’re always alert ? I want to stop being a perpetual victim.
Have a great day/night ![/size]

[Ennui.]

I'm so sorry to hear about what you are going through! It does sound like this caused a lot of trauma for you that is affecting you now. What you experienced is very real, and your feelings are very valid. It is understandable that seeing content relating to bullying is triggering to you after having experienced it for so long. You did not deserve bullying in any way, shape or form. I know you've probably heard this before, but it reflects bad on the bullies, not you, and what they said to you is not true.

Try and think about the ways that you are a valuable person. What things are you good at? What do you like about yourself (physically, personality, talents/skills, etc). It can even be something small, like you like your smile or you like that you're good at crossword puzzles. What do your friends and family like about you? If you're not sure about what they like about you, it's okay to ask them. Those are things that nobody can take away from you, no matter what. They are the important things, the things that actually matter.

Do you think as far as enjoying meeting new people, you could join clubs, social groups, or volunteer opportunities? I don't know if you're in high school or college but both types of schools, or even your surrounding town, should have some sort of social group or volunteer activity. The reason I suggest these is because unlike meeting a random stranger on the street, you know that the people in a club or volunteering activity joined because they have a similar interest to you. This can be something you form a bond on and can be what you talk about with them at first until you build up the ability to converse about other topics. Sometimes we have to go out of our comfort zone to get the results that we are looking for, so I get that something like this won't be easy!

Do you have any outlets for when you start to get triggered by content or when old memories come up? It can be anything, really. Writing, art, music, going for a run, dancing, or anything else. You don't have to be "good" at it, it's just a way to get everything out so it's not all built up inside. Or, is there anything you can use to ground yourself when you get upset? It can be a physical item like a fidget cube or a stress ball. Or, a DBT therapist I had told me to plant my feet flat on the floor/ground so I could feel them on the ground, and say something along the lines of "It is (date/time). I am in (location). I am safe." So, for example, "It is 10:30pm on March 15. I am on my living room couch, and I am safe." It kind of brings you back to the present moment a little bit.

We are huge critics of ourselves too. I don't know if negative self-talk comes along when you start to feel not confident. If it does, don't judge yourself for feeling that way. Acknowledge that you are not feeling confident and are having negative-self talk. But also tell yourself "No, that's not true. I (positive quality here)." Instead of saying "I can't do this" say "This is challenging, but I can do it."

I don't knw if this will help any, but I know you can do this!

[Mallika]

Hello there,

Thank you for reaching out and apologies for the delayed response. I'm glad that you reached out to us here at TeenHelp.

I'm so sorry that you've had to face bullying over a long period of time. No one deserves to go through this. I want to assure you that as humans, our experiences inevitably shape us and our perspectives, and your responses e.g. feeling scared, having chills run down your spine, are the different ways your mind reacts to triggers. The fact that you were bullied is not a reflection of who you are as a person, but rather of those that bullied. It can be hard to look through these layers of traumatising experiences, but as Ennui said, you are an invaluable part of this world and always will be. Unfortunately, many of the environments we are raised in are not always conducive for young children - fellow classmates, peers, etc. often are able to use their own will to bully others without being reprimanded.

The fact that you are looking at ways to move on and lead a life where you want to "break from the chains of fear" is the first step. Coming out here and expressing your deepest thoughts and asking for help is the first step towards moving on.

Because you've experienced bullying from such a young age, it might be helpful to visit a professional who can help you process these deeply-entrenched emotions. It is challenging to shed these fears overnight, but as with any kind of therapy, will take time and effort. You deserve to get help with this process, because it can be overwhelming to go through it all by yourself. If you are in a space where you have access to a counsellor, possibly that is a good place to start. If you are in school/university, there might be a counsellor or psychologist on staff. If you're working, you can either seek help from a professional in-person or virtually. While TeenHelp is an incredible resource, we are not licensed therapists. Websites like BetterHelp (https://www.betterhelp.com) have licensed therapists with whom you can interact virtually.

I wish you the very best in this journey towards healing. While I do not share the same experiences as you, I have dealt with a mental health condition for many years and made an immense recovery because I decided to seek help. Seeking help is the first step, and it is possible to lead a better life.

Please feel free to PM me if you have any questions!