I've Never Felt So Guilty Before

[Ballsack]

I forgot today is the day I'm supposed to pay the down payment for my college. I don't have enough to pay for it and neither does my dad. My mom isn't working anymore so it's not like she can help pay. He ended up borrowing money. I always hated the idea of borrowing money. My mom already have some debt and now my dad also have debt too. I'm so anxious I feel like I'm gonna vomit. I want to earn money but I'm not good at anything. The only thing I could even brag about is the fact that my English is near native level, but jobs for transcribing are hard to get and most companies don't bother with translating stuff to or from my first language. This sucks. Money always makes me anxious. This is the worst I don't know what to do. I feel so guilty if only I could live a full life without spending any money

[Ballsack]

I really wish I have more friends, times like this are really rough but I'm not good at socialising and even then I don't want to bother my friends by venting all the time. I really have a total of three friends and even then I barely talk to two of them, mostly because of different time zones. I think I'm a terrible person, I'm lazy and a doormat, I couldn't stand up for myself to save my life and I'm so miserably insecure. This reads like a 4chan vent post sorry but I really wish I'm better at human interaction. What is it about me that makes it difficult to have meaningful friendships?

[Face Up.]

It tells me that your dad loves you a lot because he took out the loan. My mom took out a parent loan for me too. Student debt is very common in the US.
Maybe you can try to apply for a job on your college campus as a student worker, or a job near campus? For example, we had student workers in the student center food court and also at our bookstore, amongst other jobs. Then near campus there were different fast food restaurants and retail places. They're not always the most ideal jobs, but they can help you to pay back your dad. I'm sure he wouldn't mind if you paid him back in installments over time versus all at once.

You might even be able to make friends at school! You'd be able to talk to people in your classes and also join clubs and social groups on campus. At least that way you'd have something in common with them which can be a way to start up a conversation. I bet you're not a bad person like you say you are. Sure, everyone has their flaws, but I can tell just by how you are reacting to your parents' debt that you do care about people a lot, which is great! You might also find hobbies at college that motivate you to get out of the house, instead of being "lazy."

I'm also bad at standing up for myself. I try to remind myself that I deserve better than that, but it does take time.

[Dude111]

Im sorry your going thru a hard time my friend....

I think if your dad could he would help......