I need help: I can't understand my girlfriend's life

[LeoC]

Hello everyone, I hope you're having a good one. I'll try to make this story as short as I can.

Things to consider before reading:
-We are both sophomores(10th grade) in high school
-Both of our parents are divorced
-I live in 2 different cities that are about 40 miles away
-I'm Mexican (I was actually born in Mexico and I came to the US [Legally, we actually waited 6 years to get approval] two years ago), my girlfriend is American

So I've been dating this girl for 10 months now and it's been quite a ride. The first couple months were all about sweetness and kisses and hugs. Then she told me that she suffers from depression and anxiety, so a few months later I got her to be confident enough to stop taking medication for depression. First off, her family (which she calls "poison") is not very supportive with her. She has tried to join the gymnastics team at school, but neither of her parents support her at all (which means that she cannot pay the fee or get approval). They also won't pay for her drivers ed or insurance or gas for her car. In fact, she recently got very sick and they didn't do anything about it. And her dad only buys frozen and canned food, so she's a little malnourished and often tired and weak. Also, her sister is very abusive. She is 2 years younger than my girlfriend, and she hits hear and insults her in a daily basis. So basically her parents don't care and her sister is violent. She says she has tried to get professional help, but they won't do anything to help.

In contrast, I'm on the other end of this spectrum; my parents are very supporting and loving, my brother is my best friend, I'm a varsity soccer player, I am very religious, I consider myself a pretty good musician (I play all the instruments in the brass family and I participate in the concert and jazz bands in my school, and I perform at church every Sunday), and I am very healthy in general.

Now, this is affecting me emotionally. Six out of seven nights a week this last 7 months have been very depressing. It's usually because she gets bored and starts to think about all the things she can't do because of her parents and how bad her life is. As you may have predicted [or not], I'm the only one that listens to her. Thus, I'm always hearing and reading her ranting about how bad her life is and how she is a "nobody". When this happens, I become very stressed and anxious because I don't know how to respond to it and I also feel frustrated because I don't have the power to change anything about her life problems. We usually end up crying ourselves to sleep or very mad at each other. As a consequence of this, I've developed some grade of depression and anxiety. This is really bad for me because as a musician and a soccer player I need to have a solid mind to be able to focus on my performance and to stay confident and motivated in what I'm doing. Also, she has been asking me constantly to have dates almost every day, and that's hard for me because I've been very busy with soccer and marching band, and of course I go back and and forth between the 2 cities where each of my parents live.


Here's the thing: I really love her and I want her to be happy, but how can that be if I can't be happy with her? Am I just being senseless and selfish? Do I make any sense? What can I do to understand her? I don't wanna give up, but I don't know what to do at this point.

[Kate*]

Hey Leo, Welcome to TH

One of the difficult things about being in a relationship (any relationship, but especially a romantic one) is understanding where the other person is coming from and in a lot of cases, supporting someone through difficult times while not letting it affect you too much.

The bottom line is that you can't be solely responsible for another person's happiness or well-being. If her reliance on you is affecting you this much, then you have a right to put up a boundary and decide how much and how often you're willing to take this on. Also, assuming she has depression and has stopped her medication, that may have something to do with it; it certainly doesn't help. Regardless of your view of medication for depression, some people rely on it, and it should only be stopped under medical supervision with the approval of a treating professional. Maybe suggest that she try the school counselor. I could understand if she's hesitant to, since professional help hasn't been much help, but you're right that there's only so much you can do for her. You can love her and want her to be happy and healthy without making it your responsibility to get her there.

[Lionheart]

Hello Leo

Katie's right. You're not responsible for her happiness. You can want her to be happy and try to help her but in the end there's only so much you can do.
It's important that you watch out for yourself. Sure you want to be there for her all the time, but when its making you depressed maybe it's better to talk with her and set some boundarys. It's not good if she only relies on you for support. She needs to find other people, maybe the school counselor, a teacher or a friend she can also rely on because if she only depends on you then in the long run it will hurt the both of you a lot.

So no your not being selfish or senseless. Not at all. Your great for sticking with her and trying to support her.
But to support her you have to keep yourself safe as well.
Maybe you can talk with her about the date thing. Maybe you can make an agreement, that you talk over phone everday or something and only meet up once a week? It's just one suggestion for a compromise and I'm sure you'll be able to find a better one that works for both of you.