Dating While Autistic Advice?

[TH Anonymous]

[SIZE="a"]Hey everyone, I was wondering if anyone had any advice on dating as a late diagnosed autistic person.
I've been recently diagnosed as autistic, and while I'm happy to have answers on questions I've had my whole life, the news seems to have tanked my confidence when it comes to dating.


I've never really dated before and have only been in 1 relationship, and in that relationship we didn't actually get to have an official first date until a month into it. However I like this person I met a few months ago and think they may like me as well, although I have a really hard time figuring it out for sure. (Although a friend of mine who also is friends with the person I like says she thinks they like me as well)

I have been thinking about asking them out, but my main worries all stem from my autism.


First of all, I realize that since I have no experience really 'dating' I have no idea what really happens on a date that makes it any different from hanging out with a friend. I don't know when it's the right time to even hold hands. Any advice I read online feels very unnatural to me, but I don't want to come off as cold or uninterested. I realize that I usually rely on previous data and experiences when I'm in my day to day life, but I don't have anything to fall back on in this case. I've also never really had confidence with flirting, as I'm always afraid I'm creeping the other person out, or just plain embarrassing myself.



Secondly, I don't know when would be appropriate to tell this person that I'm autistic. I feel that perhaps telling them before I even ask them out may be best, since we're already friends. But then I also don't know if telling them after a first date would be better as that would give them time to get to know me more without the perception of me being autistic.


I was thinking maybe asking them out to a movie and then coffee after would be a good option, or going mini putting at a local indoor location so there's an activity going on. We've already hung out one on one before and we both had a good time, but I'm afraid that as soon as I add the context of it being a date, I'll freeze up. Whenever we talk it just flows naturally, which is part of the reason i like this person, but historically I'm not good under pressure.


For context, this person is very nice and we talk every single day, I don't really have a huge worry that they would decline a date simply because I'm autistic. However the diagnosis is very new, to the point I've only told my brother, who is also autistic. I haven't even told my parents or my friend who's been trying to help me with this crush situation.[/size]

[Ennui.]

I don't think there is any rush to hold hands or anything like that, and it doesn't even have to be on a first or second date. I think the first few dates can be used to get the vibe down and see how things flow. You can even ask for consent before doing certain activities for the first time, such as hand holding or kissing. Instincts might take over a little bit where things feel right as well, and sometimes it's okay to take a chance and follow what your instincts are telling you, especially about something like hand holding.

I think that telling them about being autistic is up to you. You make a good point that they'd get to know you more without the perception of you being autistic. They'd know that you're a cool person either way. But if you tell this person beforehand, they can support you as a friend while you work up to asking them out.

I think either going to a movie and coffee or to mini putting is a good idea. Another option is bowling. They're all low-pressure ideas for a first date, which might help.

[Ambedo.]

Dating is definitely scary, even without a new diagnosis! Just like you, so many people experience worries about things such as the right time to hold hands, how to ask someone out, and what to even do on the date. You're definitely not alone in that regard.

In terms of things like holding hands, I don't think there is a strict timeline that you need to follow on your date. It's more important that it feels natural and like the right time for you and your date. If there isn't a moment that feels right to take that step on the first date, that's perfectly fine! You can just let the focus be about getting to know each other and feeling out the vibe. When the time does feel right, you can either go based off of instinct and try reaching for her hand or you can ask for consent. Either way, be sure to take her reaction into account and make sure you don't push her to do anything she isn't ready to do.

I think the same thing goes for deciding when to tell her that you're autistic. You made a valid point when you said that waiting to tell her will give her the chance to get to know you without any preconceived notions that she might have about autism. Dez also made a valid point by saying that telling her beforehand will give you the opportunity to get her support as a friend while you work up the courage to ask her out. At the end of the day, there isn't a right or wrong answer. It's about when it feels like the right time for you and when you feel comfortable sharing.

I think both of the ideas that you came up with for your date are great! If you're worried about freezing up, try not to frame it as heavily as a date in your mind. You can continue to look at it as one-on-one time with a friend if that helps you act more naturally and just let things go as they go. Whatever you decide to do, keeping things low-stakes (location of the date, date activity, etc.) will likely help you relax some so you can have the best time and show off your best self on the date!

If there's anything else I can do to help, please feel free to shoot me a PM or respond to this thread!

[Proud90sKid]

Are you male/female and are you straight or gay? It honestly is a different experience for each group.

Women with autism have an easier time finding a partner but also are more susceptible to becoming a victim of abuse.

Straight men with autism generally have a hard time finding a partner but are less likely to be targets for abuse. There is something about the social issues that creates a unique challenge for autistic men in finding women. It seems that social skills are a more important component of a woman's attraction to a man than vice versa. It can be explained very well by evolutionary psychology but then I may have to say some things people find too controversial.

Gay men with autism actually tend to have an easier time finding a partner than straight men with autism.


Source: have autism and have spent years researching this topic and being around people who have ASD.

[TH Anonymous]

[SIZE="a"]I'm a late diagnosed autistic woman, and the person I'm interested in is non-binary. some friends of mine have actually told me that this person is also interested, but I haven't told any of my friends or family yet that I'm autistic, so it's hard to confide in them why exactly I'm having such a hard time asking this person out. Even when I do get to talk to this person 1 on 1, as soon as I try to flirt at all I find I'm just completely lost and I just feel out of place.[/size]

[Celyn]

I know this is late but just wanted to drop by and say try not to let your diagnosis get in the way of dating.

While being autistic may mean that you haven't dated much before and perhaps haven't had much social success in general, it doesn't mean that it's impossible. You may feel naturally more at ease with other neurodivergent or 'different' people, which may make it easier to be yourself (and in turn, others may be at ease with you) allowing you to get to know others better, potentially leading to relationships.

I don't think it matters too much that you haven't dated before. Given that the majority of the population may not be autistic, the advice you find online might not be helpful to you, especially if it's vague or you can't relate to it. Dating and relationships can sometimes be difficult to give advice on because everyone is different. What one person might be happy to do on a first date, others might wait a bit longer. For things like holding hands, I think you can either wait for the other person to take the lead, or do it if and when you want to. You don't have to hold hands or do things that you don't want to do and there isn't really a right time to do things either. Just do what feels best for you.

As for flirting, while you probably could find tips on how to flirt and what to say online, sometimes flirting might seem to happen almost naturally when both you and the other person are interested in each other and you notice you might tease each other or make jokes, use double entendres etc. These happen within the context of whatever you are talking about (e.g. talking about the weather, stating that you're cold and the other person asks if they can warm you up (give a hug)), as opposed to following a flirting script you've seen online (although that could work too). It would only be creepy if you're trying to flirt a lot and the other person doesn't reciprocate. But otherwise, flirting can be seen as just a bit of fun. And if flirting isn't working for you at the moment, are there other things you could do that let the other person know you are interested in them?

It's entirely your decision when to tell the person you are autistic. Some people might disclose their autism before the date or on the first date so that the other person knows from the start. Others might wait until they get to know the other person more and can trust them. I also think it can be helpful to think about the possible reactions you might get. For example, you might have to explain what autism is or how it affects you, if the other person doesn't know much about autism. The other person should try to be understanding and accepting of you just as you are!

I think your date ideas are lovely. You've got a good balance of an activity but also with opportunities to talk. It's natural to be nervous about considering something as a date, and it's okay if you do get anxious. But you've chosen light hearted activities which might help you to feel at ease. And if you do freeze up, you can always tell your date that you are feeling anxious or overwhelmed.

Learning that you are autistic, especially when you are older, can feel life changing. It's natural that you would want to take time to learn what it means for you and perhaps not feel ready to open up to others (and not everyone needs to know). If friends/family are invested in your dating life and want to know why you haven't asked this person out, you could just say that you are anxious, don't know how to ask the person out, you've not dated before and have concerns about that etc. You don't have to say that you are autistic, but you could describe some of the struggles you are having (if you wanted to tell them, that is).