I relasped. I cut my thighs. I cut my hand. I cut my chest. I'm mad at myself, but I don't care anymore. If I cut to deep, I do, but I don't care. I don't care if my friends leave me, I don't care if my friends find out, it won't stop me. I shut down during WIN today(a class at my school) and my teacher kept saying "ashton are you okay" me: "Yeah..." *later* "are you sure you're okay?" *I nod* "Don't lie to me, because I can tell you right now you don't look okay, is there anything I can do?" "NO..." "Ok...lmk if u need anything". Like...damn I should have talked to her, but at the same time I knew what would have happened. I would have went to the ER if I expressed I wanted to kill myself actively. But it doesn't. Matter. Anymore.

It sounds like you do have a support system at school and people who care about you. I know sometimes I have a hard time verbally telling people how I am feeling and when that happens I write it down and give it to them so they can read over the points I want to get out. It helps if I am afraid to talk about what is going on or if I think there will be interruptions. It will still have to be reported but at least you have someone you can talk to about things.

Honestly I think the ER is the best place for you. You clearly aren't safe and it's important that you express that. I know you've been to the hospital before but maybe you or your family can advocate for your needs while you are there this time so you can get the best support possible.

I don't want to go to the er...

Hello, try finding someone who is able to help you out with what you are going through so that they can help you to feel better soon. Try writing a letter if you can't say it out loud. Hope you will be okay soon.

Quote:

Originally Posted by TherianLOVER I don't want to go to the er...

You may not WANT to, but honestly it seems like the only way to keep you safe at this point. I don’t think under most circumstances people want to go to the ER or get admitted but it’s one of those necessary evils.

Yeah...maybe...even at the hospital I couldn't keep myself safe...

I would strongly suggest talking to the teacher you have been confiding in or another trusted adult about how you've been feeling. It seems to me that not only a visit to the emergency room would help, but more intensive care would be needed such as being inpatient at a hospital and receiving mental health support. You are far too young to have to be dealing with intrusive thoughts and engaging in dangerous behavior.

Please, talk to someone. Wishing you the best of luck.