I can't even make it one day without self-harm. I selfharmed so much this week my arms are 'covered'. My PE teacher asked me how many days I was on yesterday and I told her zero, nobody found out due to the fact I had already been to the nurse and my school nurse doesn't report self-harm unless I am actively bleeding or I used something besides my go to method. My french teacher, Madame A, always says that things will get better, that things to have a chance of me being happy in life, but I don't believe her. I'm always the girl to talk someone out of suicide but I can hardly do it for myself. I was up tonight crying, saying this:
"I"m so sorry Mrs. Marcus...I know I'm a burden, I know I"m annoying, and I'm sorry I keep self-harming, I'm sorry I keep having anxiety, I'm so fucking sorry..."
If I commit suicide(I'm still debating it heavily), she's the first suicide letter I'm writing. My plan is to write them to individual people, and then write an overall one for my family. I put more effort into my chosen family than my biological family because in my household they're always fighting. true I have a pretty nice mom and a pretty cool dad, but it wasn't always that way. I can't forgive and forget like they never hurt me in the past mentally.
I need damn reasons to live already. I fake my happiness again, my depression is back down to rock bottom, hell if I tell anyone though I'm going straight back to the hospital. I ain't doing that. not until the summer. I need to be at school. I can't miss anymore time or I will be held back.
My order of suicide letters(first and last initial unless teacher):
EH
DM
MB
Mrs. Marcus
Mrs. Altieri
TN
EM
BZ
Should I tell someone I'm considering suicide and that I have my suicide letters all planned out who to write them too and when to give it to them(the day of my suicide. Which I don't have planned yet.) I'm scared of being sent back to the hospital but I'm tempted to tell someone because I don't know what to do...