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Hellbender Offline

Member

Visitor Messages

Showing Visitor Messages 1 to 10 of 30
  1. Hellbender
    October 23rd 2015 06:44 AM - permalink
    Hellbender
    Hey, guys. Not sure if anyone's reading this anymore, but here I am. Haven't SH'd in a few months, but -
    I don't know. I can't-
    I kind of want to. It's like part of me needs it, and I know it would make me feel better, but I know I'd crash later and regret it or hurt myself too bad and I can't get myself out of bed to do it anyway so I'm just stuck here thinking about it. I feel like this is how alcoholics feel after a few weeks sober. God, I'm just so tired. I finally moved out. Eighteen an out in the world, huh? Pretty amazing. I think I'd like to find a doctor, see if I can get some help. I don't know where any clinics are that I could go to, though. Or maybe that's just an excuse. Part of me knows this isn't normal and part of me says I'm just looking for attention. Shit, my head hurts. I'll do something eventually. Funny, now that I'm on my own I just sleep and read all day. It's been three months- I just go internet today. It's so hard to get out of bed. This can't be normal.
  2. Hellbender
    June 21st 2015 05:32 PM - permalink
    Hellbender
    I finally got around to calling a help line. I told the lady I was SH-ing, and that I didn't know how to feel about my parents, and that I wasn't sure if I wanted to get better or not, and she told me I was just looking to make things harder for myself and that I should stop making excuses. Now... I don't know. Am I making up problems for attention? How do I tell? What if my mom is right and I really am just some self-involved, egocentric pig. Fuck. I don't want to be making shit up for attention, but I can't tell what's real anymore. Things haven't been bad in a long time, why can't I just let it go? Forgive and forget, right? Am I just here writing this for attention? What the hell am I? Shit. Fuck. Nevermind.
  3. Hellbender
    December 23rd 2014 08:20 AM - permalink
    Hellbender
    I think I'm cruel to my siblings because it gives me a sense of control over stressful situations, and because rationalizing the actions I take allows me to cope with the way I myself was treated as a child.
  4. Hellbender
    December 23rd 2014 08:18 AM - permalink
    Hellbender
    I'm cruel and I pick fights.
    I think I pick fights with my parents because it gives me a sense of control over our relationship, and it's a way of controlling when exactly I get hurt. I think maybe it's a defensive mechanism used to minimize the emotional pain that comes from the verbal abuse. If I cause it, I can decide when it happens and tell myself that I was hurt because I did something wrong, not because it was a random emotional outburst on their part.
  5. Hellbender
    December 23rd 2014 08:13 AM - permalink
    Hellbender
    We argued again. It was my fault this time, though. She says I should get closer to my friend's dad because she wants me to be able to hang out and see a guy who wants to spend time with his daughter.
    I think that's weird, but it's not really my business what she thinks I need to do so long as it's not being enforced.
    I cut myself up again after the argument. He told me he didn't care if I hate him, and I said that I don't hate him but I don't respect him much anymore.
    Mom said she was scared for how cruel I can be.
    I felt so had that I hurt his feelings that I wrote him a letter to tell him everything I regretted and felt bad for, and how I was scared to trust him because every time I trusted him in the past I wound up getting hurt.

    He ignored it completely. He didn't talk to me for three days.

    There's nothing left anymore.
  6. Hellbender
    August 24th 2014 06:50 PM - permalink
    Hellbender
    Family friend offered to cook for the family if I stayed at their place for a week.
    I can go there with the cat, live in their garage, and work as a nanny for a week, in exchange, they'll give me a place in their shop to sell my work and they'll send food to my mom:
    It seems like a pretty sweet deal. A roof, food, my own area, running water, and a heater, plus a business opportunity and real food on top of it. All I have to do is spend a week living with a couple I don't know as well as I'd like and play with their kids.
    And -
    Huh.
    I guess I'm going for a sleepover.
  7. Hellbender
    August 24th 2014 01:59 AM - permalink
    Hellbender
    Wow.
    So yeah, that last entry was weird.
    After I did it again last time, I regretted it a lot. Sore hands, no shorts, hiding stuff from people. But then I did it again.
    I was using my dad's equipment, and accidentally left a thing that he saw when he got home. I thought I was doing so well hiding that I was in his area, since I've been in and out for weeks without him noticing. But- I don't know. He found me out this time and I just felt so stupid and arrogant. Then when he came to get mad at me, he saw the cat mom and I've been hiding, and it didn't go well. And it happened again. He left, and I went and cut up my hands again. Who the hell does that? Then he came back and told me we were getting rid of the cat, and I said we weren't and that I wasn't doing anything until mom came home, and
    Jesus fuck.
    And then he's here this morning after screaming with mom all might, carrying on like nothing happened at all.
    I'm just tired.
  8. Hellbender
    August 10th 2014 08:01 AM - permalink
    Hellbender
    Hey. So, it's been awhile.
    I don't know if anyone's been reading these or not, but the weird stuff keeps coming. Friend of mine got hit by a car a few months ago. He died. I missed the funeral 'cause I was at my grandpa's funeral instead. Small world, I guess.
    Anyhow, I fell off the wagon today. Not proud of that.
    I made a post online about how stuff sounds slow in my head and when I talk out loud it's embarrassing because I can't tell how fast I'm going, and my sister (who i haven't spoken to in weeks otherwise) messaged me to tell me that 'Literally nobody gives a shit'. And I didn't really deal with that. So yeah.
    I think mom was right when she said I was self-absorbed. Look at this. Look at all this. I keep talking about me. I did this, I felt this, I wish, I saw, I heard. It's fucking disgusting. I'm such a cruel person and I don't even give a shit. I'm an emotionally abusive, self-pitying narcissist. I'm still doing it. HOW DO I FUCKING STOP IT
  9. Hellbender
    November 17th 2013 10:43 PM - permalink
    Hellbender
    Yeah, Darwin ran away. I think He's dead now.
    It was my 17th birthday yesterday. I didn't want a party, but I had some ice cream cake. I only ate the fudge, though. That's the best part, right? I'm at my Dad's house now. We watched Thor 2 at the theatres. He kinda freaked out at me later, though. My sister was talking about guys, and he said that I was weird because I never talk about guys like she does. I don't know, I'm just a little tired of it all. I'm more interested in emotional ties than physical ones, and I'm only seventeen now. I'm too young to care about sex and stuff, aren't I? And then my stepmom told me I was rude. She asked if I wanted to go to Boston Pizza for my birthday, and I said no, I'm happy just hanging out at home. So she and my dad and my sister went without me. she says I'm selfish and inconsiderate because I don't like eating with her, that I'm being rude when I don't eat what she eats, that eating the same things as her won't make me fat because we have different body types. I told her i don't care about being skinny or anything, that I'm not going to eat when I'm not hungry and that I'm not going to eat food I don't like if I'm in my own home and it's not a meal. Why would I eat beef for a snack when I'm not hungry and I don't like meat? I'm just so tired. I don't even know how I feel anymore. My heartbeat feels heavy and my body feel slow, but that sounds so stupid. I'm probably just being an angsty teenager. I don't even actually care about things 'getting better' or not, so I'm probably just being dramatic. I'm just so tired. My baby sister gave me a picture of me and her together that she drew for my birthday, though. That was sweet. My mom's taking me home in half an hour. Maybe I'll paint or something.
  10. Hellbender
    August 19th 2013 09:18 PM - permalink
    Hellbender
    'Kay, so since Arth died, I got a new cat. Found him in a well and he's been staying with me for the last couple weeks. The 'rents haven't noticed yet. Not sure if that's sad or funny. Probably both. Door's still broken. Recently broke a chair. Note to all: Do not shit-kick barstools. It is PAINFUL. Not a finer moment of my life-and-times. Also I disassembled my bed and build a workshop in my room over my mattress. New cat's name is Darwin. He found a can of meat and rolled into a bag in my closet. Few days later, "Hey, is it raining outside?" No, it was not raining outside. Maggots on plastic sound exactly the same. And that was fun, but if Darwin does that again he'll discover natural selection three feet under my mom's petunias. NEW FUN FACT: If Hellbender sees rice on the floor, Hellbender will flip the ever-loving sit out of everything. Also: I'm teaching myself Russian. Anyone know any good sites for that?

About Me

  • Basics
    Name
    I am DARTH VADAR. XD
    Gender
    Female
    Location
    In a tree. Why not?
  • About
    About me
    I AM BATSHIT CRAZY. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.

    I'm 15. I'm in a very small town somewhere in western Canada. Black short hair, brown eyes. I live on a farm. I like to draw, paint, sculpt, animate, sew, craft, scrapbook, cook, pretty much anything that involves making something.

    If anyone ever wants any suggestions on movies, books, cartoons, anime series, tv series, etc.... ask me.
    I am LORD OF DISTRACTION!!! XD

    DISTRACTION SUGGESTIONS:

    Source Code- (Movie)- Totally awesome for sci-fi buffs like me who love all that paradox time loop crap. :) The more intricate the better, for me! This one involves action, explosions, total mindfuckerry, and bombs. Oh, and time travel. and some romancy squishy stuff that I secretly love but will never openly admit to people I know.

    Bleach- (Anime Series)- All in all, badass until around episode 50, maybe 73. After that it's all 'rescue the helpless girl' crud. The movies all rock, though. Except for the last one. It was all... ew. I don't even know.

    Darker Than Black- (Anime Series)- No squishy romance at all. In fact, all this series does is make you ask questions that will NEVER GET ANSWERED. With the right planners, this series could have been something amazing. But then they made season 2. NEVER WATCH SEASON 2. Season 1- main character is a badass masked emotionless batman-esque assasin with control of electricity. Very gorey. Loads of icy guts and bits. :D Season 2 they turn him into a homeless pedophile. You get the picture. Season 2 has nothing at all to do with season 1.

    The Finder: (TV Series)- Okay, this was an awesome season. I don't care what the network says. It's about a guy with an obsessive compulsion for finding things, who is hired out to find lost items and usually finds more than people want him to. A spinoff of 'bones'. Season 2 was cancelled due to a key character's actor dying of a heart attack. He will be missed.

    Anyhooo, If you need to talk lemme know. Just be aware that I talk more than I probably should, and I'm a little awkward. 'Jess so ya know, ya know? :)
  • Details
    Here for
    I'll listen to you if you pretend to listen to me.
    Relationship status
    Single and looking
    Sexuality
    don't really care. Is indifferent an option?
    Ethnicity
    I don't even know.
    Education
    High School
    Occupation
    Nanny/weeder/artist
    Politics
    People smart enough for politics are usually too smart to get involved in something that complicated
    Religion
    I love to dabate about this. Don't be offended, I just like philosophy.
    Zodiac sign
    Scorpio
  • Interests
    Hobbies
    Sewing, painting, archery, writing, deduction, philosophy, anthropology, crafting. Pissing off everyone, all the time.
    Music
    Everything from Weird Al to Marilyn Manson, Kiss me kill me, 3 days grace, 3 doors down, 30 seconds to mars, Temposhark- Broken, Imagine dragons- Radioactive, Get Scared- Built for blame, SarcasmEvancence- My Immortal- Call Me when You're Sober to Smashmouth- Walking On The Sun- Average Superhero- Allstar, to Greenday to Finger 11- Paralyzer all the way up. Mozart's concierto 11 adagio, Beethoven's 9, parodies... Uh, Maroon 5, Muse- Supermassive Black Hole, Coldplay- Yellow-Viva La Vida, Linkin Park- Numb, Red Hot Chilli Peppers.
    *DEEP BREATH*
    3 Doors Down- Kryptonite, Orange Range- Asterix-Ya Ya Ya, Falco- Rock Me Amedeus- Der Kommissar, Nena- 99LuftBallon, Kanon Wakeshima- Still Doll, Frank Sinatra- Come Fly With Me- My Way, Elvis Presley- Hound Dog- Blue Suede Shoes, Rita Morenno, Fifi Dobson- Stuttering, John Williams, These Kids wear Crowns, Panic! at the Disco- This Is Halloween- I write Sins Not Tragedies- Ode To Mona Lisa, Adele- rolling in the Deep, The Arrogant Worms- when Canada Rules The World- The Manly Song- The War Of 1812, The Beetles, Sea Wolf- You're a Wolf- Violet Hour, Mother Mother- Verbatim- O My Heart- The Stand, Metric- Stadium Love, Kanashimi- Ienai Itami, Arrowsmith, Skrillex- Scary Monsters and Nice Sprites, Scream+Example- Shot Yourself In The Foot Again, UKF Dubstep, Gwen Stefani- If I were a Rich Girl, Beyonce, Justin Timberlake- What Goes around- Cry Me A River- Bringing Sexy Back, Coheed and Cambria- Welcome Home, Eminem- Mockingbird- Superman, 30 Seconds to Mars- This Is War, Yui- Again, Nox Arcanea- Lullaby, Rosmarie's Lullaby, La Chorale- Vers Sur Ton Chemin, three days grace, good charlotte, nice peter, paint, Billy talent, breaking banjamin, tom waits, revolution renaissance, plain white t's, white stripes, justin timberlake, the band perry, theory of a dead man, pussycat dolls, shakira, fifi dobson, these kids wear crowns, Survivor, 3OH!3, rihanna, beyonce, rita morenno.
    I'm not exactly picky about my music. :)
    Movies
    Anything Sci-fi, Fantasy, or Action. Oooh, I love superhero flicks!
    Pretty much anything that kicks ass. I once bent my neck out of shape watching an illegally downloaded copy of 'AVATAR' on a projector screen in the woods for three and a half hours. The subtitles were in ukrainian, and we had to dig a hole and dump our stuff in it because the equipment was overheating. I'm cool like this.
    I once spent an entire day watching the whole Lord Of The Rings extended edition movie, with original audio, cast commentary, Director/writer/producer commentary, and set crew commentary. Then I stayed up all night to watch all the behind-the-scenes film reels. The next day, I watched the short edition with behind-the-scenes. I also watched it in French because I'm bilingual. I KNOW, I'M A NEEEEEEEERD!!! There's no escaping the awesome. XD
    Source code, Casino Royale, Avatar, Skyfall, Spiderman, Inception, The Hobbit, Thor, The Avengers, Iron Man, Terminator 2, Diamondust Rebellion, House of Flying Daggers, Spirited Away, Planet of the Apes, Green Lantern. LOL, just kidding 'bout the last one. They seriously could have done that one better.
    Television
    I don't watch tv much, but I love mysteries and sci-fis. And Anime! Tell me the name of any anime, I've probably seen it. XD I also love House, Bones, Hercule Poirot, Sherlock, Nikita, Inspector Frost, Spiderman, X-Men: Evolution, Wolverine and the X-Men, The Spectacular Spiderman, Midsomer Murders, all that stuff.
    Games
    Fox and Hound is my favorite game! We play it in gym at my school. The teacher'll take our whole class into the woods. We're not allowed to use roads, swim to the island in the river, or leave the forest. Some of us will be foxes, and the rest will be hunters. Foxes have to run through the woods and escape the foxes. :) My friend and I burrowed an underground tunnel four yards deep into a blackberry bush. X) Never been caught yet! Gained a few scars, though...

    Second favorite game is Night Zone.
    It's sorta the same, but at night. We have to sneek past a 'watchman' to get supplies like food and stuff. My joints click, so I'm not so good at that one. :P Still fun though!

    Third favorite is camoflouge. Same as Fox and Hound, but without the running and sneaking around. Just hiding.
    Books
    anything and everything that isn't chicklit.
    I swear to god, I read so much that the school librarian comes to ME when she's looking for a book. I seriously need a social life.
    Sports
    Speed swimming
    Heroes
    My Papa
    Favorite quotes
    GIRLS ARE LIKE WEREWOLVES. SMART GUYS STAY AWAY ONCE A MONTH.

    I'M NOT A SMARTASS. IT'S JUST THAT YOU'RE ALWAYS WRONG.

    I DON'T HAVE AN ANGER ISSUE. I HAVE AN IDIOT ISSUE.

    I USED TO TAKE CHILL PILLS, BUT I DEVELOPED AN IMMUNITY.

    I AM A TEENAGER. I KNOW EVERYTHING, AND I AM INVINCIBLE. ANY QUESTIONS?

    YOU HAVE AN IMPORTANT OPINION THAT NEEDS TO BE HEARD AND AKNOWLEDGED. JUST LIKE EVEYONE ELSE.

    IT'S LIKE A TACO, INSIDE A TACO, INSIDE A TACO, INSIDE A TACO BELL. TACOCEPTION!

    WELL, YOU HAVE AN AXE IN YOUR FACE.

    "THAT DOSN'T SMELL LIKE MUD."
    ...
    "YOU DON'T SMELL LIKE MUD!"

    IF YOU CAN'T GO TO CHURCH AS A GHOST, THEN BORROW YOUR BROTHER'S TIARA.

    MY BORING IS BORING.

    BECAUSE I CAN.
    Other interests
    Writing, eating spicy cheese, wishing I was somewhere else, asking people from other places about what their country is like, watching anime, and talking about xmen with my papa.

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  • Last Activity: January 17th 2018 07:50 AM
  • Join Date: November 10th 2011
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Blog

Latest Blog Entry

Posted March 25th 2013 at 08:08 PM by Hellbender Comments 0
Posted in Uncategorized
I'm going to dental surgery in 10 minutes.
I hate the dentists' office, but not as much as I hate hospitals.
I hate hospitals with a smoldering passion worthy of a cheesy paperback romcom from a corner store, the kind that you'd find betyween the toilet paper and the laxitive grahm crackers, that you'd initially buy becausethe intensely romantic sunset silhouette of two ridiculously sexy lovers embracing on a beach intrigued you, but after a few pages you realized how shitty romantic...

Posted January 13th 2012 at 02:52 AM by Hellbender Comments 0
Posted in Uncategorized
Many ask of me, why I am here. I do not answer, for that simple act would destroy my purpose. Some believe that I was sent to them, and others believe that I have sent myself. I am the word that has infinite meanings, I am the implication of nothing. Some people ask, 'what contains the void?' I do not tell them. Nor do I wish for them to know, although I do not prevent it. I am a hundred minds, a thousand thoughts, a multifaceted enigma of separate identities. Some ask why, others ask why not. They...


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