I gave Jon nightmares because of something I did at the wedding. I didn't realize I'd worried him that much. He's been so shaken up ever since I had those seizures, he can't take his eyes off me. He never lets me wander off alone, just in case.

At the reception hall yesterday there were tons of people, which makes me extremely nervous. Every once in a while I'd want to go for a walk outside, around the building. At one point I went out, but I forgot to tell Jon. I was already out...

I think about suicide. Then I think about how I have responsibilities, and how it's competition season, and how I've seen proof again and again that suicide is contagious.

Then I think about suicide.
Then I think about how I don't want to give my sister the satisfaction. Then I think about how much I hate myself. Then I think about suicide.

I'm fat. So fat, that my BMI apparently is "morbidly obese". I don't look like I'm dying of being overweight,...