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Failed my driving test again. TW SH

Posted December 22nd 2021 at 11:30 PM by Ennui. (Rantings of a Mermaid Princess)

I took my driving test today and failed right off the bat. It's not that I don't know how to drive. I did fine when it was me and the instructor. But as soon as the person administering the test comes, I freeze up and panic hardcore so I make a lot of stupid mistakes I wouldn't have otherwise.

I had a major panic attack in the parking lot of the DMV and the poor driving school instructor who I went with had to deal with me hyperventilating and sniffling.
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Living the dream.
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Hallucination, self harm, IOP (TW-self harm)

Posted December 15th 2021 at 10:01 PM by Ennui. (Rantings of a Mermaid Princess)

I hallucinated a tarantula yesterday. I saw it crawling on my ceiling and then down my wall. I also hear my phone ringing all the time when it's not, to the point I stop and listen for it.

Work has been a very big source of my anxiety lately. I've been having to take Ativan to go to work and it's not actually doing a lot to help with the anxiety. I'm making stupid mistakes and it's just not a good time for me.

I have self-harmed again as well. I want to do it again...
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Progress report. (TW-Self harm)

Posted December 13th 2021 at 07:58 PM by Ennui. (Rantings of a Mermaid Princess)
Updated December 13th 2021 at 09:52 PM by Ennui.

I wonder what would have happened if I did go to the hospital the other day. I think I should have.

I wonder if I still should, although I'm doing better than I was. Like, what "qualifies" someone for the hospital? I'm not going to go, though.

I still have to take Ativan before work and get the urge to self harm. I'm still feeling impulsive and want to buy new tools. My friend changed my Amazon password for me so I can't go on it and buy tools.
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Living the dream.
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Suicidal (Triggering: Suicide, self harm)

Posted December 9th 2021 at 09:11 PM by Ennui. (Rantings of a Mermaid Princess)

Never before have I scared a therapist so much that she doesn't want me to have access to my own medication. She wants me to get a safe and give my mom the key, but I am not going to do that. Never before have I ever had a therapist call me sounding panicked because with the email I sent she was worried and wanted to talk to me to make sure I didn't have any intent to harm myself. Never before have I needed daily check ins. I guess there's a fist time for everything.

I don't have...
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