Coming clean

After thinking about this for a long time, I have decided to tell my life story. I was born on September 12, 1996. I was placed in foster care a year later where I lived in a few homes. I ended up in a small town with a foster mother named Hattie. I enjoyed life at her house. I was a carefree 5 year old girl with no worries. Her sister, Joni, caught my eye. Soon she was bringing me around for play dates. We would go to the beach or eat supper together. I moved into her house shortly after. Two years later I was adopted. 8 years old with an awesome family. The next couple of years were good. Then I turned 10 and started to "blossom." Then my father, Steve started to look at me in ways a father should not look at his daughter. Things started happening. You can imagine what went on. And Joni realized what was happening. I begged her for help. And she looked at me straight in the eyes and said, "you deserve it bitch." I was shocked. She had never spoken to me like that before. Then everything changed. Along with the extra attention from Steve came threats from Joni. I was confused, hurt, scared. I became quieter, less open toward people. My grades went from straight A's to D's. I told the school counselor. Here was a 12 year old girl telling her school counselor what was happening in her house. And so the counselor did some research. Joni convinced her that I was just looking for attention. My counselor told me that because Joni was a good Christian woman, she was more believable than me. I gave up on adults and God. So I looked instead for positive attention from other people and look at that! Positive attention from a 16 year old boy. I was 13 and thought that he really loved me. It didn't start out with sex. Just ended up there. I told him that I couldn't. Steve had taken all pleasure out of sex for me. Besides I was 13. No need for that in my life. My 14th birthday rolled around. Steve hasn't looked at me in a while and Joni hadn't yelled for a couple of weeks so I thought things would get better. April came and with it the fights. This time Joni told me she was gonna help Steve with my "punishment." So what choice did I have? I ran out the door and went to my cousin's house. Her name is Rachel and she has two little boys. I took care of them and did housework in exchange for a place to stay. Soon though, it became apparent that even though I did her housework, I was no longer welcome in her house. I then went to live with my best friend and her mother. Things went well for a few weeks. Then she found out that I smoked. I told her it was my escape from the stress. She was a smoker in her earlier years so she understood. She told me that as long as I tried to quit it was alright. I still am. And so this past summer rolled around and here I am. Living an hour away from Joni and Steve. Starting a new school. And my nightmares are starting again. I'm scared I'll ruin my chance. I can't stop smoking and I really want to. I don't want to go back to Joni and Steve but I fear I'll have to if I mess up. I promised this "God" that if I have to go back I WILL kill myself. I'm scared and don't have a place to run to. I'm running out of time and options. I try hiding my depression. I'm pretending everything is alright in hopes that it will be. I need help. I'm going down, hard and fast. This time, when I hit bottom I fear I'll be too broken to get back up.