Log in (
*sigh* trig warning
Posted January 29th 2014 at 10:44 PM by DanTheMan :P
Went 9 days SH free, then 12. Then 3 days cutting in a row, the most recent being about 5 minutes ago. I've gone back to carrying a blade inside my phone case wherever I go. Its like a security blanket. Walking into school the other day my leg starting bleeding, I could feel the warmth seeping down my leg. Ffs.
Every time I smile enough to expose my teeth I instantly get so self concious I start digging my fingers into my cuts. I hate me so much.
One of my lessons I joined the class late so I sit next to these 2 girls I don't know. Our teacher had this group exercise for us to do. I couldnt bring myself to join someone I know. Why would I take the easy option when there is a perfectly good opportunity to humiliate myself right here. To awkward to walk up to people I would class as friends and simply say "you mind if I join you?". So instead just stay where I am. It gets better. Public speaking. By this time I want to cut so bad I'm wondering if I could do it in this class without people seeing. I pretend I didnt hear one of the girls say to the other "can we not do this just the two of us?" To which the other replies "we kinda have to let him join in". I'm grateful for that at least. If I had to tell our teacher I was alone and he had to announce it to our entire class so someone would take me, I would have just gone to the toilet and carved up my leg.
I dont like him. He is a really nice guy but every lesson I can see the pity in his eyes because im sitting by myself when everyone else is laughing and talking. I hate pity more than anything. At least I can defend myself against false compliments. Pity you just have to quietly accept and try not to go too red.
Ill just skip our next lesson rather than read out a disjointed presentation in a monotone voice.
From a purely scientific standpoint, at least I found out when a lot of blood gets mixed with water the water goes orangey red, not pink.
Posted a thread in the ed forums. The chances are I dont have an ed. I'm just some weird teenager passively attention seeking because he feels sorry for himself.
Anyway, I'll let you get back to your life.
Every time I smile enough to expose my teeth I instantly get so self concious I start digging my fingers into my cuts. I hate me so much.
One of my lessons I joined the class late so I sit next to these 2 girls I don't know. Our teacher had this group exercise for us to do. I couldnt bring myself to join someone I know. Why would I take the easy option when there is a perfectly good opportunity to humiliate myself right here. To awkward to walk up to people I would class as friends and simply say "you mind if I join you?". So instead just stay where I am. It gets better. Public speaking. By this time I want to cut so bad I'm wondering if I could do it in this class without people seeing. I pretend I didnt hear one of the girls say to the other "can we not do this just the two of us?" To which the other replies "we kinda have to let him join in". I'm grateful for that at least. If I had to tell our teacher I was alone and he had to announce it to our entire class so someone would take me, I would have just gone to the toilet and carved up my leg.
I dont like him. He is a really nice guy but every lesson I can see the pity in his eyes because im sitting by myself when everyone else is laughing and talking. I hate pity more than anything. At least I can defend myself against false compliments. Pity you just have to quietly accept and try not to go too red.
Ill just skip our next lesson rather than read out a disjointed presentation in a monotone voice.
From a purely scientific standpoint, at least I found out when a lot of blood gets mixed with water the water goes orangey red, not pink.
Posted a thread in the ed forums. The chances are I dont have an ed. I'm just some weird teenager passively attention seeking because he feels sorry for himself.
Anyway, I'll let you get back to your life.
Total Comments 1
Comments
-
I hate pity too. I can understand how that would bother you. But, maybe you could try talking to your teacher and getting to know him. This could be a good way to get through your classes and it would probably stop him from giving you those looks because he would get to know you and would start to understand you better.
As for the girls, in my opinion, it was kind of rude of them to make those comments. When I have to do group settings in classes I never mind if someone wants to join in. You shouldn't let their comments get to you, okay? They shouldn't have said them.
I highly doubt you are attention seeking although what would be so wrong about wanting a little attention? You know, we are human beings and as such we need attention. :p Don't be so hard on yourself, okay?
If you ever want to talk please feel free to PM/VM me.Posted January 30th 2014 at 12:10 AM by
