I'm Lost

Im lost. I don't know where I am or where to go from here. I need someone to help me but I reject those who help me. I don't see myself living in the next five or ten years. I just see myself barely living in the present. Isn't that sad? I don't see myself having some sort of happy future where I'm married or somewhere. I just see me as a 22 year old slowly fading away.

Every night I'm in bed and I look outside my giant bedroom window and I get amazed with the night sky. I appreciate every little thing about the darkness. I'm most happy at night time. That's when I'm most at peace. It's cloudy right now but it's scattered. I see the stars as the clouds slowly sails past the horizon. I feel so lucky to see a shooting star.

I need mental help, but I'm so afraid of reaching out and asking for help. I was diagnosed a few years back with severe anxiety and depression. The doctor referred me to a therapist but it cost money. I can't afford it. Even if I did afford it, I wouldn't go. My anxiety and depression gets so bad. I live with my family and I hide it so so well. My family and friends do not suspect a thing. I would never ever tell them. They believe that mental illnesses are not real, it's a cry for attention.

A few weeks ago, I was cleaning out my cupboards and I found my secret stash of blades which I thought I lost and boom! Self harm streak down the drain. 6 months, 4 days gone, and the funny weird thing is, I didn't feel guilty or ashamed that I self harmed, except I felt extremely happy.

I feel really really lost. As of this year, my life just had a sharp turn to the left and really quickly went downhill and smacked right into the ground. I'm lost in a foggy area.

I'll be writing a lot, I used to keep a diary but I don't trust my family. So online it is!