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Jealousy is an evil thing (triggering)

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Posted October 2nd 2013 at 01:40 AM by Ennui.

This morning as I walked to my homeroom, I was walking in front of a few girls who are also seniors. And they were talking about someone. They didn't say any names, so it basically just left me curious. They were talking about another senior and how they couldn't let her donate blood because she had cuts. A lot of them. All up and down her arms. The way they put it there were a hell of a lot of them.

So I was curious in a way. Wanting to know who it was. I always tend to look at people's wrists and arms, hoping there's someone else out there.

I had to see my guidance counselor during homeroom about some college stuff. As I was leaving, I saw the senior they were talking about. She's not my friend or anything, but the cuts were there, clear as day, going up her arms.

And did I feel a shred of concern? No. Just like I never seem to feel it when I see my friend's cuts on her arms during the rare times she had a relapse. And my friend's are much lighter than this girl's.

Instead I ended up feeling jealousy.

I wish I didn't have to limit my cuts to my hips and thighs. I wish I was able to cut up and down my arms and create such pretty lines and pathways and scars with the tool I stole from the art room, or even my old one. I wish I could scream with my skin since I can't with my voice.

I wish I didn't have to be paranoid that a student who isn't my friend, or one of the teachers, will walk by and see and have to report it. The health center knows about it anyway but that isn't the guidance department and they're mandatory reporters. I wish I was able to say "My mom already knows."

It's not the cuts themselves making me feel ashamed. It's having to hide that makes me so scared and shameful for me. I just wish I was able to do what so many others do and just take it to my wrists or arms, not have to get creative.

If only.
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  1. Old Comment
    I can understand where the jealously kicks in ... or the feelings you are describing... but one day when you stop cutting I believe you will be grateful that you have not cut on your arms. I know that sounds like a stupid thing to say but I've mainly only cut on my arms and I'll never be able to wear short sleeve shirts and there are so many days when I want to. There are a lot of things that I'll never be able to do because of the cuts on my arm. If I ever decide to get married I'll have cuts lining my arms. So, yes, right now you wish you had those scars but it won't always be like that, you know?

    I don't know if this post means much but it was just a thought that came to mind when reading this.
    permalink
    Posted October 2nd 2013 at 02:58 AM by
  2. Old Comment
    Thereishope's Avatar
    To a point I see where you and the other commenter is coming from. I do agree that although you may wish to be like them, in the long run you'll look back and be glad you didn't go down that road. I know it's been a struggle to break the habit but you've done good in the past, you can break free of this. Just don't look back at your past struggles and treat each day as a new day. As I always tell you (which you're probably getting tired of haha ) I'm always here whenever you need to talk, vent or whatever, you know how to reach me.
    permalink
    Posted October 2nd 2013 at 03:11 AM by Thereishope Thereishope is offline
  3. Old Comment
    i_like_black's Avatar
    . . . I am sure you already know this, but that jealousy leads bad places.

    But hey, I'm not going to tell you to *not* be jealous. I'm the person who did (and still does) long for stitches. And burst arteries. And pools of blood. You're not alone. It's so much harder when you have to hide it.

    But . . . you still have some control over your behaviour, and speaking as someone who genuinely cares about your wellbeing, I don't want to see you lost in a world where an addiction controls you.

    I guess what I'm saying is it's okay to be jealous, as long as you just recognise the emotion, and then let it go, and keep going with being you. Because you're awesome the way you are.
    permalink
    Posted October 2nd 2013 at 04:29 AM by i_like_black i_like_black is offline
  4. Old Comment
    THECUTTER's Avatar
    I can get where you are coming from, i myself look for the fresh wounds or scaring... And each time i see none i get a huge wave of different emotions.... Envy, jealousy, relief.... And many others.... Its fine to feel jealous but there is a limit! And i hope that one day you can get clean and not feel the jealousy you feel
    permalink
    Posted October 27th 2013 at 07:51 AM by THECUTTER THECUTTER is offline
 
 
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