I was gonna write a blog entry, but I don't know what to say.

Don't know what to feel.

Don't know how to cope.

I'm restricting again. It really messes up my mind. I honestly can't think straight.

So why am I doing this?

Not to get skinny. Not really. I don't care, I'll always look awful.

I don't know why I'm doing this.

My hands are so cold.

I want to give up on my school work...

I want to die. Let me die. Please. I can't take this. I can't talk to anyone. I can't deal with this. Why am I not dead? Please... I can't cope. Gonna cut tonight. Should stop myself. But who cares? Why does is matter anymore? I'm going to lie to the counselor anyway. Don't want to see him anymore. Don't want to see anyone. Sick of all this. So sick of this. Fed up of pretending when really I'm breaking apart inside. Go away. Go away, life. I'm sick of you. You hurt too much.

I'm so cold.
I haven't got any work done.
The numbers in front of me are telling me I haven't eaten enough.
But once they're in my head I've eaten too much.

My friend told me that she had noticed. That she'd seen the drastic weight loss and that she was worried. She said that when we did the cake stall and she was telling me to eat a cake it was because I was so dizzy and she was worried.

I don't know what to think about that. I mean, part of me...

Threw up for the first time after eating over new year. Only a tiny bit but now I know I can.

Shit. How the hell did things get this bad.

Right now I'm fighting the urge to go throw up. I ate ages ago, it's not even about getting food out. It's about punishing myself. Because I hate myself.

I have no idea how this happened. I feel worthless.