I want someone to love me. I want a relationship. I want to be in love with someone who loves me back.

I want to be able to do things again. I don't want to be ill, I hate it. I want to be able to walk properly.

I want to be happy.

But since none of that is possible I guess I want to be dead.

Don't leave me alone.

The last few days my mood has been up and down like a rollercoaster. I've spent three days barely moving from my bed because I felt so ill after the busy days with my family. I've self harmed twice in that time. The one time I did get up I went to buy pills. I haven't taken any but I needed them as a security net. Just in case I get desperate. That sounds awful but that's where my mood is right now. I was binge watching Supernatural and feeling really awful and thinking about suicide, so I got drunk...

I went on a steam train, and had chips for lunch, and Indian for tea, and hung out with my sister and took selfies with her and it was fun. And we went to the slate museum, and we watched Frozen Planet.

I'm really tired. I have a nine am lecture and I'm not sure I'm going to be able to make it. But I'm really glad I saw my sister because I hadn't seen her since christmas. She drew me a picture to put on my wall.

My mum is here. Instead of my usual Monday routine of getting up around 10, studying quietly, watching some cartoons and going to my lecture at 4, I have been up since 8, cleaning, and in half an hour (at 11) she's going to pick me up, we're doing lunch, she'll drop me at my lecture at 4, and then I think I'm going over for tea as well. That's too much. I'm already exhausted.

On the plus side my pikachu onesie arrived and it's the best texture ever. I was scared because my charmander...

We're swapping presents tonight. I hope my friend likes his.

I miss my ex.

I feel sad and lonely right now so I'm watching Lion King sequels.

We played d & d last night. It was really fun. I enjoyed myself. I laughed a lot. Two of us are autistic so we had a hand signal to make if anyone was gonna screech loudly or shout as part of the game so we could cover our ears, and I could use stim toys without feeling embarrassed (I had my dratini plushie, a tangle and clicker toy and my friend lent me a ruler with beads in which made a brilliant sound when you shook it). And I had pizza. I didn't finish my pizza but I ate most of it without...

I'm either flaring, or I've come down with a bug, or I'm in sensory overload. Or all of the above. I feel rotten.

I promised I'd play d and d today. It's in my house so I really can't back out. I'm so anxious about it even though we played last week and my friend said I did really well.

I'm so tired.

I missed my lecture this morning because I couldn't get up. I feel slightly better now but that's probably because I've not done anything all day.
...

I feel ill. My head is spinning. My hands are hurting. My legs are hurting. My back is hurting. I have a splitting headache. I'm nauseous. And I feel really depressed. I self harmed yesterday. Maybe I should be back on my meds? No. I'm just pretending. I'm not depressed. This is normal. I'm normal. There's nothing wrong with me. It's normal to feel like this.