i woke up with my hands hurting so much and a splitting headache. This does not bode well for the rest of the day. I try not to take painkillers but I think I might have to. At least my pokemon mystery box arrived. I have a new plushie and a bunch of stickers and some pokemon finger puppets and other stuff

I'm going to catch up on some uni reading. I'm going to attend my lecture. The parcel for my rats arrived so I can give them a bath and put up their new tubes and climbing stuff. I'll probably do that tomorrow though when I clean the cage out.

Last night I played d & d for the first time. It was a lot of fun and for 7 hours I actually felt happy. So long as I kept talking. When I stopped interacting with people I felt bad again.

Also I brought my rats down to see...

i'm not depressed im just a stupid kid who's stupid stupid stupid so i dont need my meds im never going back to get more i dont need them and if i do end up killing myself its not becaise im depressed its just that im a stupid kid whos just stupid

I finished my dissertation proposal. I still don't feel great, but I do feel like a weight has been lifted and I can breathe again. I currently don't have any deadlines coming up. I have a gap where I can study on my own time, enjoy my lectures and try to help myself improve my mental and physical health. Before too long there will be more deadlines, and I need to meet my tutor and my supervisor soon, but other than that I have a break. I'm implementing a new routine to try and pull me out of the...

I have five hours to finish my dissertation proposal. Wish me luck? I'm actually feeling reasonably confident about it for the first time this year which is a pleasant surprise after how awful the last few weeks have been. I'm halfway through and I need to write another 1000 words, but I have a load of literature still to review and a methodology to write so there's plenty to put it. I shouldn't have too much trouble with it. I can do this. I've still failed a module, but if I can do this then...

i feel like im nothing more than a list of diagnoses. i'm nothing more than a list of reasons of why im a fuck up. im nothing.

im tidying my room. the plan is that i can't die with a messy room. dont know what im gonna do once its clean. i need something else to stop me from doing something stupid. despite all the doctors and psychs and therapists ive seen i still dont know how to reach out for help.

Had my appointment at the cfs service today. It was incredibly draining. But I have an official diagnosis of CFS/ME now.

The psychologist also said that I have EDNOS and probably aspergers as well. But because it was the CFS service she decided not to do proper diagnoses and told me I'd have to look elsewhere about those things.

The worst part of the thing was probably being ordered to make eye contact. That was really stressful. I felt like I was a child being told...

my friend was talking to me about not eating and i think they're developing an eating disorder and possibly a drinking problem as well and i tried to help them through last night but it really triggered me and i weighed myself this morning and ive gained so much weight and i hyperventilated and had a panic attack and cried and i want to die i feel so fat

why do i do this to myself its nearly 6am again
i spend all day just wanting to go to bed and go back to sleep and then i spend all night feeling too anxious to lie down and even try to go to sleep
this sucks so much
i have a seminar tomorrow. its not till 2 but knowing me i'll still sleep right through it. i suck