Don't know how I feel.

Really tired.

Been trying to help out here, but I'm getting tired.

Realised I don't like voicing my opinion at all. Giving advice, that's fine. Giving it privately, even better. But giving ideas, no one seems to think like me. I go by my experiences. Am I that weird to think it nice to get at least one comment on a poem you post? Am I weird to rather get something than nothing? I don't know, perhaps I should just stick to greeting...

J is coming over soon, so this will be my last post for just under a week.

I'll miss it here.

I feel like such a part of a community. I've made some great friends and I love helping out with people's problems.

I've applied for a secondary position, but I think my application was a bit weak, so I doubt I'll get it, but I plan to stay here for a while so even if I don't I'll be able to try again at some point.

But yeah. I love it here....

Packing for tomorrow. Perhaps I'll feel better when I take a break. I hope so, anyway.

I wanted to do more on TH today but I haven't got the time. I've done a shit load of VMs though. I love being on staff.

I'm worried about the summer, though. Will I have to take too much time off that I can't stay on staff? I don't want this taken away from me.

Perhaps when I leave home things won't be so bad. Perhaps, instead of destroying myself, I could just get help straight away? Perhaps I'll finally be able to find someone who will listen.

It's not likely though. Why do people ignore me? Why won't people help me even if I go to them for help? Why am I on my own?

Why do I feel like I can't face anything? I can't just do things because I have no motivation. Even the things I want to do. Because I don't really want to do anything. I just want to sleep. Sleep forever.

I want to overdose. I feel so alone, what would it matter if I was gone? Things would improve around here. No one would care.

I haven't got the guts. Not while there's a chance my sisters could find my body.

So I guess I'm hanging on. Wondering why nobody can help me. I'm too nice. Too nice to cut when they've asked me not to. Too nice to take my life when it could hurt them. Too nice to break down and cry because they have it worse than me.

But I'm dying...

I need someone to talk to. Someone to confide in. Because there is no one I can talk to properly.

I want to cut. I don't know why. I've felt fine all day and now suddenly I want to cut.

And excercise. A lot.

But I can't do either.

I need to talk to someone about how I feel but I've got no one.

I wish I could get help.

I wish I could tell someone how I feel.

I wish the feelings would go away.

But then I wish I could destroy myself.

I can't get help until I get worse.

Is it worth living in this half life forever, or is it worth getting worse so someone can help me get better?