I am a walking contradiction right now.

I have motivation to do so well but then no motivation to actually make the effort. I am so lazy.

I feel good but yet feel bad.

I feel like a failure currently because I feel like I am sinking lower and lower with things that should be so important to me.

I want to cut again. My sister's puppy has sharp little nails and is also teething meaning she likes chewing on people. She scratched me a few...

My friend and I were talking yesterday. She and I both go to the same counselling center at my school and they're dropping her and referring her somewhere else because the counselling center is for short-term stuff and I guess she's too long-term and I know that eventually they'll do that to me too, and I'm scared. I CAN'T be referred somewhere else, I really can't. One, transportation is a thing, but insurance also is as well. Even on insurance I am forced to pay a hefty percent of the bill which...

The end of my week was pretty busy.

The doctor's appointment went pretty decent. I got a referral to a cardiologist to discuss some issues I've been having. My doctor doesn't think that it is a problem but she's more doing a safe than sorry sort of thing. I'm also going to be going for bloodwork.

She says I seem more relaxed now that I'm in college. I don't think she's wrong necessarily. I mean, I do have a really high stress level right now and do have new struggles,...

I don't really know where I am going with this so sorry.

The guy that I kissed, I keep blowing him off when he asks to hang out, though the last time I did it I honestly had cramps and felt icky. I'm thinking I might say yes next time, maybe, and hope I can get some weed out of it. Maybe I'd go through kissing him again for a bit more weed.

My best friend's ex boyfriend is talking to me again and I am wondering if that makes me a bad person. He asked if I...

My anxiety has been weird lately. I'm back at a stage where I am getting really stressed and worked up over things, especially today and yesterday, and it kind of really sucks. I hate when I get this way but now I am so stressed. And I've had this lingering heavy feeling that I don't like. I feel safe, but I don't like the lingering blah feel.

I was anxious earlier and I have no idea why. It started out when my professor said she was going to be handing back papers at the end of the...

I had a relapse with my self harm a few days ago. I know what triggered it I think. I have healing cuts on my thigh now and one small one on my wrist that I can hopefully hide or pass off as a papercut. One of my good friends (let's call her K) who knows my story might have seen though. I'm not sure. We were in the bathroom and I was drying my hands after washing them so my sleeve was pushed up a little bit and I think she caught a glimpse and looked away. I think she knew but didn't ask, and that's...

I had a lot of bad dreams last night. I don't really remember any of them except one though. I had a dream where I was self harming. I had self harmed a lot in it. I've never had a self harm dream before.

My self esteem has been kind of bad again lately. I can't help but thinking about all I ate yesterday. I can't help but just call myself fat fat fat. Fat and lazy. I'm going to gain so much weight.

This whole no class thing has been so frustrating to me, it really...

Oh god. I got drunk for the first time last night. Drunk is not a good feeling, it really isn't. Buzzed is sure, but I drank on an empty stomach and drank too fast to get to that stage. I just went from sober to drunk, pretty much.

Hangover this morning was terrible. I woke up at like 5 like so nauseous and gagged but nothing came out and spent like an hour and a half on the common room couch because it was closer to the bathroom and the room is also cooler in temperature. Went back...

I saw my APRN today, E. I forgot to tell her like everything that I was supposed to tell her because I really don't like talking to her and always just want to get out of there. She seems to think my meds are working decently, and I guess I agree to some extent. I wonder what she'd have said if I told her the rest of what I was supposed to.

I saw my new counselor today too, M. I really like her so far. You know those people that you feel as if you can open up to right away? She was...

The positivity that I had felt in my last blog has faded now.

I moved back into the dorms today and classes start tomorrow. On the way back to the dorms all I could think about was dragging something sharp over my skin and seeing myself bleed. I set things up with my dad, started putting things away. All I have left to do now is get out clothes for tomorrow and put on pajamas. Had a floor meeting. Felt like it went on forever. I felt antsy, wanted to leave.

I want to...