I've had a lot going on lately. I'm probably going to forget to mention some of the things, but that's okay.

My APRN wants me to wean off the Gabapentin so I can just be on the Effexor. I don't have to follow any strict routine to do it. She basically just said to take it as needed from now on until I'm out of it and talk to her if anything happens. So far I'm not taking it on Thursday-Sunday anymore because nothing anxiety inducing happens those days. On Monday-Wednesday I am only...

I feel like a worthless human being and a waste of space. I am fat and ugly. I keep saying I need to diet then stuff my face. I am useless. I don't know how to do anything on my own and I honestly probably wouldn't survive on my own. I can't cook for myself, clean for myself, do laundry, etc.

Everyone keeps telling me to get out more. Everyone. They keep saying how it's not good for me to not get out a lot and how I should be socializing and networking and making connections. And maybe...

Constantly in a state of tired and depressed or anxious.

I somehow opened up to my coworker about how I am feeling and how I am doing and how I am on meds. Well, I didn't tell him that I cut. I just said depression and anxiety have been acting up lately. He agreed to not tell my dad but based on how I am feeling he really wants me to call my APRN.

I don't know if it'd be worth it. She can't really do anything. I can't go in to see her because I work and she can't adjust...

I feel like such a worthless human being right now. I can't help but think back to everything that has gone wrong or think of any little stupid thing I have done even back years from now in elementary school. And there are so many of those things. It's not fun.

There are people out there that are so much smarter than me, so much prettier than me, so much better than me at everything overall. I'm just average, if that. I have a hard time doing simple tasks that anyone could do. I'm...

Work is literally killing me but I'm not going to quit or anything like that. I've made too much progress in my job to just blow it all now. But my week pretty much consists of me going to work, going home and taking a nap, waking up for dinner and a shower, then going back to bed for the night. Then my weekends are basically me sleeping in. I'm so tired of being exhausted.

I can't tell if work is bringing out my depression even worse, or if it's just making me tired or what. While...

Most of yesterday was a bad day.

It started out bright and early in the morning. My dad and I work in the same place but we stopped at the gas station beforehand. He parked the truck at one of the stations and went inside to give the people cash so he could pump. Well, the truck started rolling while I was inside of it. I guess it wasn't fully in the "park" gear or something. I don't know how to drive and forgot what to do in order to make it stop rolling so I got out of...

I've felt okay. Work has kept me pretty busy. My routine on the weekdays has become something like, wake up, go to work, come home and take a nap, wake up from nap to eat, then go to sleep soon after. It doesn't really give me much time to feel bad. Before I started work I felt suicidal, so I guess being kept busy is okay. I have had some triggers, but I've been mostly okay I guess. I do have my days. I also like all my coworkers so it's nice to joke around with them and talk. The job though, don't...

I've been just feeling like shit lately. I've been stressed or overwhelmed, or I've been anxious or depressed, or even both. I've had urges to self harm which I was able to avoid doing until last night. I am losing my motivation and I just need things to be over. I just need to sleep and do nothing else but I still have so much to do until the semester ends.

I don't know what is triggering this, and honestly nothing is going wrong, I just feel like shit so I guess my meds aren't working....

The other day my mom and I were having a conversation. It started off with me talking about LGBT+ issues and how they may sometimes self harm or attempt suicide. She connected it to someone at the elementary school she works at and said that she wishes I could come in and talk to this girl about it. A fourth grader that cuts. My mom told the vice principal and she sent her to the nurse to get everything cleaned. But I guess some of the students were telling my mom that she has them color on her...

I'm tired of feeling like this. Starting to wonder if I should call my APRN and try to get an earlier appointment.

I'm always feeling so heavy and stressed and overwhelmed and ugh. Just generally blah. I'd rather be curled up in bed and just not doing anything. I keep really wanting to cut.

And when I have energy and when I'm in a good mood, boy is it extreme. I seriously couldn't stand still for the life of me the other day after the Drag Ball, I was so pumped....