Things I'll probably never say to you. (Triggering?)

I still don't know what happened to drive you to the point of needing to go the hospital and it leaves me confused. You seemed pretty fine when I was hanging out with you earlier the day before and then that night when I was at someone else's dorm and ended up throwing up there, it seems like everything broke loose. I said that I wouldn't be at breakfast because I wanted to make sure that was the last of it and you flipped out and said nobody cared about breakfast anyway, even though there are times where we legit fill up two tables. I know I don't go every single day but I find it hard to be a functional adult as it is, and then sometimes other people are busy or on RA duty. Let me start off by saying that it actually really hurt my feelings when I mentioned that I had just gotten sick and the only thing that came of it was you flipping out in the group message. And even though you've told me before when I have hurt your feelings, I am never going to be able to tell you that you hurt mine, that you are continuing to hurt mine, because that might make you angry or upset or trigger you or push you over some edge or cross some thin line.

And then the next morning you message me and Dan and say that you are going to the hospital or else you might do something stupid. We're all confused. We're all stunned and worried. But we also don't know what to do really. So I offer to print out your essay so you won't fall behind in the class and we kind of talk a little and I say I'm proud of you and eventually you stop talking, probably because your dad got you or something.

Sorry but I had to tell people. Did you expect me to hold that all inside myself without anyone knowing, first of all? Second of all, did you just want me to say "I don't know," when people asked where you were, or that I knew but couldn't tell them? People did start to wonder though, they honestly did. Also, I didn't tell every single person myself. Linda told Sophia (though she already knew through Natalia). I don't remember who told Natalia, but Natalia told Chandler. I accidentally let it slip to Hannah. I think me and Dan both told Emily. I think either Chandler or Sophia told Rory. So you can say you didn't expect me to tell people all you want, but I actually only told one person in the grand scheme of things. Word just spread like wildfire from there.

But then we decided to plan. It's not like we went on with our day thinking "Okay, well, on with life now." We thought we should give you space, especially the people who you didn't technically tell. The people you didn't technically tell were afraid to message you because they didn't want you to be mad that you knew. You weren't able to look anyway. But we wanted to do something, so we planned the door.

The door that you thought was so minimal because it wasn't us verbally (or I guess, in messenger) telling you that we were worried or that we cared or just saying hi. Chandler said that you liked it, but it was minimal. Do you want to know how much effort we put into that door? A lot. Me and Emily talked at breakfast about what we should do for the door and then planned to go to the store to get it after the club meeting. So we did, we went to the store. We went to TWO stores actually because we couldn't find everything at the first. And at the second store we couldn't find everything so Emily had to come up with a solution, granted she came up with the solution fairly fast. So we got the stuff and later that night we came over to your suite and got to work. The die cut in the resource room was broken. We were planning on using the die cut to cut out perfect, even hearts but since the die cut was broken we couldn't and so we sat on the living room floor of the suite and cut out the hearts and thought of the perfect things to write on them and found the best quotes to write down as well and played some of your favorite music for inspiration, like The Fray and Ed Sheeran. We decorated your door all nice in hopes that when you'd get back you'd have a reminder of how much you're loved and how much you have to fight for. I framed some of the pictures you have of you and your friends. But that's minimal. It doesn't matter.

You left our group chat and I messaged you to see how you were. You basically said that you were just upset because nobody was really messaging you or saying hey or anything like that. You said that they were all too busy worrying about themselves. I said that nobody really knew what to say. You said that you don't care and that they could have at least said hi. Again, we are walking on eggshells around you and wanted to give you space and privacy because we thought that would be best. We thought it would be best if you came to us first instead of us bombarding you if you weren't ready. None of us have experienced anything like that before, sorry.

What you don't realize is the fact that you have been the topic of conversation so much since you went to the hospital. How confused we are. How much we miss you. How we wonder what actually happened. How we wish we could have visited you in the hospital but that we respect your privacy and didn't pry for what hospital you were in. How we didn't want you to fall behind in your classes. Any time we'd meet for breakfast or lunch we'd ask each other if we heard any new updates about you. But apparently we don't care.

But you said that because of this you were coming to the university to withdraw later in the week and you weren't even going to tell anyone and that you didn't care if everyone else heard it through the grapevine. That left me and Dan to tell everyone else.

And let me tell you how much it hurt them. How everyone pretty much cried.

Chandler told me that you were upset because nobody was messaging you and things like that. That you weren't mad at anyone but you were upset. Look, I get that you wanted us to check in like that but we also wanted to give you space. We don't know what to do in these types of situations and you weren't giving us any type of hint.

You don't know if you're going to go back to school or not, or if you do you're thinking of transferring to be closer to your fiancé. I understand that school is stressful and you want to be near him. But remember he works full time and his dad works full time and you don't really get along with his sister, so that really leaves you to hang around with his mom all day, you're not going to know anyone in your school if you do transfer. Wont' that make you just as depressed? Plus now you're just going to be starting over somewhere new. You were all excited because you only had a year left until graduation, and then this. So I guess the door was a waste. But Chandler started packing up some of your stuff for you.

Admittedly Sophia said she was getting this book for you and I said don't bother. Don't bother because you'll think of it as minimal or she'll just have to mail it to you anyway because you left without a word and probably wouldn't respond anyway.

I have dreams where I am yelling at you. Any time I see your Facebook pictures or Tumblr or anything my heart drops because I feel so sad that you are gone but I also feel angry and my brain can't help but just say "Fuck you."

When we do try to message you now we get one word answers or one liners. Sometimes you do message me pictures and videos of mermaid related things but then the conversation soon dies out because I don't know what to say to things like "yeah" and "haha." The others are feeling the same. You want us to message you and stuff but it's like we're having a conversation with ourselves, so of course we're going to stop replying.

We are all hurt. A lot of us are angry. Sad. Feel abandoned. I am hurt. Angry. Sad. Worried. Feel abandoned. I've had more breakdowns in the last two weeks than I have in a while. We're confused because you never told us that you were getting this bad. We knew you were depressed, we made that obvious. But we didn't know that you were getting to a point that you needed the hospital. We're not professionals and we're all fucked up in the head ourselves, so how are we supposed to know what's going on unless you say something? It went from you sitting in the living room watching Netflix when I was over there, to yelling at us for not caring about breakfast after I had thrown up, to boom, you're going to the hospital. What the fuck happened?

It feels as if you are leaving us and giving everything up and dropping everything because nothing matters anymore and we don't matter and maybe we never did. I hope we did. I hope we still do. Because right now it feels like I've been kicked in the gut over and over and have had my heart ripped out. And there's no way for us to get you understand our side of things but even if we tried you'd probably say that this is just our way of being self-centered and making everything your fault.

And it's not to say that you aren't sick or hurting. But act like a human being too. Don't just be nasty to us, leave without a cause, no explanation, no nothing. Just gone. None of us really know what happened and we are all feeling rather blindsided. Do you even care anymore?

Does any of it matter?