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Do you remember, mother? Do you remember your Little Angel?

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Posted June 19th 2012 at 08:56 PM by Hopeyyy

Things are getting better. I suppose.
I have Alan back.
I have Steph back.
I have no boy drama.
Single is all good.
I have God.
I have new friends.
Friends make me smile && laugh everyday.
Drama is going good. Great actually.
I have absolutly no problem in my life write now.
But something is still wrong. I don't know what it is. I can not pinpoint it.
But there is something, because I can't smile. I just can't laugh. Not for real. I can't even do it for fake sometimes.
I feel like I am failing everyone. Like I am not good enough, no matter how hard I try, it never seems to be enough. It is horrible. I try my best in school. My grades are good. I try my hardest at math. && I always fail the quizes, even if I stay up studying all night. How am I going to pass the CASHEE? I'm stuck. *sigh*
What do I do guys?
When I listen to my music, I feel better. Could that be it? I miss my music?
Or do I miss my Dad? My sister Steph? Brother Ryan? Sister Mal? Sister Nicole. I have only seen them once. Only once. I have seen my dad twice. But the rest once. For just one month. It was't enough. I'm glad to be here, I am. Over there they had too much freedom, I realized I can't handle that. That I actually like that structure I am gettin here, although it's fustrating sometimes.
Or do I miss mother? Or do I hate her? I can't hate her. I have to love her. But I can't feel that. After all she has done. It is so hurtful. && when people ask about my family. My mom. My dad. How can I explain it?
That I am half blood? That April, Katie, Sebastian, aren't really my full siblings. That they a different father? That I don't live with my mother. That I just started talking to my biological father two years ago? For my 8th graduation? That he was present? && that I just met him last year? That my name should really be "Hope ShyAnne Lynk"? That my name really isn't "hopeful". That I was only named that because my mother needed "help", need a "miracle". Needed "hope".
Hope doesn't exist. Not when you really need it.
Do you know what I feel? No, you possibly could never. I am covered in lies, twisted, and turned into a monster. I can't fix those lies. I can't possibly tell the truth. I have to leave it. But I am so guilty. I was a kid then. My mind was messed up. My past is keeping me from going on any further. It haunts me continuesly, it will not go away...
I could never explain my feelings. I could never explain my life. Never to the point where you will understand me, and forgive me. I can see you turning away, walking away, fading away into the distance, never coming back, and never thinking about me ever again. That I, I was a waste of space.
Why don't I write a book? A whole novel? Will you agree with me if I write in fiction or non fiction? If this was real, would I be the evil one? If this was nonfiction, would I be the good one? And if that book, I would have a hapy ending would it be justice?
Justice for a girl who doesn't deserve anything?
A girl who lost track of everything? A girl who doesn't know where she is going, where she is heading? A girl who was a horrible student, and granddaughter 6th grade to 9th grade? A girl who in that time, was completely sucidal and tried to kill herself so many times she lost count? That same girl who fell in love in junior high with a boy. That her and that boy were so alike, that they clashed. They burned. They lied about the other. That the truth can not even be found anymore. They were in love. But they got blinded by their own lives, and blamed it on the other person. That same girl who thought nobody loved her. That nobody cared for her. That she was useless to thr world? The girl who covered it all?
Covered it all with a smile?
Yeah, it was me.
Yeah, I know, I hardly smile anymore, I don't have the energy. I am depressed of everything. Postive things are there, but the negative sticks out more.
Do you remember? When we were little? And I strived to make you happy? When you said if I just stole thatone candy bar, it would be okay. I wouldn't get in trouble. Do you remember? When I was your Little Angel? Do you remember that now theres a court order? Do you remember that now, now you can't even come near me. But you can go near,April. Go near Katie. Go near Sebastian. Salmon. Ratchel. But not me. Oh, you must remember, that this court order prevents our contact. It prevents me, me, a child, from seeing her own mother. Do you remember this mother?
How do I look now mother? Are you impressed with my torture? Are you impressed by the pain I have caused? Are you proud mother? Are you proud of how I picked a guy who screwed me over, like you? Are you proud of my language? Are you proud of my cuts?
Hey, mother.
Do you remember your Little Angel?
How could you ever love this?!?
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