So, Linny's food bowl (the one in my room, he also has one in the main house) currently has no food in it because I don't want to open the new bag until I move, on Tuesday. But he's determined - he's currently pushing around the pieces to get to the crumbs he's left around and under the food bowl. I found it kind of funny, his determination. He's like, "fuck you I know there's food here somewhere! I can smell it!"

On the bright side, him clearing up his crumbs now means...

It's raining. It started raining overnight. I know, because I kept waking up, because I was too warm, and then my blankets would feel funny, and I'd realised I'd stripped them back to down by my knees or something of the sort. Also, my goosedown stuffed blanket has seceded from my bed, temporarily, and even without that, I was still too hot! Seriously. It's WINTER here.

Today seems a fair bit cooler than last night and I'm moderately glad. It's been raining pretty much all day, which...

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I'm one of those weird people that doesn't have a problem with ants in my room. The thing is, ants come, they pick up your waste, and when there's nothing left, then they fuck off. So, unless they're stealing something tasty that I want, I genuinely have no problem with ants.

Also, recycling doesn't go out until Monday night, so I haven't had a chance to get rid of my empty cans etc. since I got back from hospital. And, also, I move on Tuesday! It's awfully close now, I'm excited....

So I haven't been to community work for about a month. I'm probably going to get a warning for breach sometime soon, but I'm waiting until I've moved to Manurewa (moving next Tuesday) then I'm going to organise with Manurewa probation to do it pretty much full-time and get it out of the way.

I reported in for supervision, it's all good, they guy has changed me to fortnightly reportings - yay, a vote of confidence from somewhere at least.

He asked all the usual questions....

So today was uneventfully eventful.

I didn't do very much in the morning, in the afternoon I went with my mother and elder brother to the place where he was going to sit his restricted license. (In New Zealand we have three main license classes, Learner's - where you must be accompanied by somebody who's been fully licensed for at least 5 years and also display "L" plates; Restricted - where you can drive alone and only between the hours of 5am and 10pm - outside of those...

Keep forgetting to take painkillers for my wrist. Result? My wrist is sore and achey.

I still have the ringing in my ears. It gets louder and quieter but it's still there. I've had it for about three weeks now. Sometimes it gets really frustrating. Sometimes I hear pale music, or murmuring I can't make sense of. Not very often though.

I don't think the ringing is related to my illness. I do, however, think it has something to do with how I'm sleeping, and when I find...

Eye-contact is a bitch. Right now, I pretty much struggle to do it - at all. I'm sure all the people that I'm only just meeting must think I'm strange, but when I'm low, or coming out of a low, I feel quite anxious in social situations, and making eye-contact actually scares me right now, it makes me feel excessively vulnerable.

On the bright side, I have a move date! It's most likely going to be next Tuesday (the 24th of July) and I just have to sort out some financial stuff with...

And so disorganised. It's so hard going from the structured environment of hospital back to home, where there's absolutely NO structure. I've been thinking I should have chosen to go into respite instead, but it's already been done now.

I can't impose my own structure in the environment because there's too many other people and life here is just so . . . messy. It's bad for me. It's bad because I find it really hard to sustain recovery/wellness when my life has no structure. So moving...

I. Am. Obsessed. With. Suicide.

I don't know why! I don't feel actively suicidal at the moment (in fact the suicidal patches are getting shorter and more infrequent, thanks quetiapine), but I'm still obsessed with how, and how long, and how effective - I'm still researching it, courtesy of google.

I did find out that had I gone for plastic bag suffocation in hospital, I would have been dead within ten minutes - meaning I would have been dead for at least five minutes...