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A long break and a massive change.

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Posted July 15th 2019 at 09:16 AM by i_like_black

It's just after 9:00P.M. and I just finished reading my "most recent" blog post.

Oh boy I was in a terrible way back then.
For those who are interested, I did end up spending a holiday weekend in prison at one point in 2016. I was very unwell at the time and my offending had climaxed. I won't go into it here.

Then, around the middle of 2016, I decided it was time to move out of the area. The very day I decided this, there was an affordable unit in a suburb I'd never lived in before. It had a viewing that very day, so I went to the viewing. I applied for the unit, only one other person had applied, and I got accepted. I then moved into the same property I have now been in for three years.

I stopped self harming about a month after I moved. What set this in motion was my younger brother's girlfriend's successful suicide. After seeing what that did to my family, I finally realised the pain I was causing everyone. I have had one relapse, last July, but it was short. I have only self-harmed once in the last three years. I feel that it's important for people who are still in that space to know that you CAN get better, you CAN become a recovered self harmer, and you CAN get the right meds and diagnosis.

For me, a team finally recognising one of my issues as psychosis (thoughts that don't feel like they're mine) and putting me on appropriate medication made a huge difference.

I have also learned that because of my brain injury I will probably require antidepressants for the rest of my life. I need to accept this, but it's hard. I'm still young and the thought is daunting. One day at a time I guess.

Speaking of one day at a time, at the beginning of this year I started attending NA meetings. I have now been clean of all drugs - including alcohol - for 144 days. I'm learning how to be a grateful recovering addict. It's hard, and I can't think about the future too much otherwise it gets overwhelming. But as they say, one day at a time. Just for today, I never have to use again. I won't tell you what drugs I was on because that's not relevant. As people put it so aptly, my drug of choice was more.

I can almost not believe how sad and desperate I used to be. I wanted to get out of this life any way possible and that's why drugs had such a pull, especially once I'd stopped self-harming.

But I want you to know, it gets better. If you hang around long enough, you'll get the help you need. You can learn to be at peace with your illness and disability. You can be at peace with your past. You might need therapy but that's ok - I'm currently going through the process of a sensitive claim with ACC around some abuse that happened in my child and teenage years.

Oh, and I found God again. Not that He was lost, the lost part was all me. Not long after I moved I found a church. The same week I started going to this church, I started volunteering at the food bank there. This has given me a sense of purpose and a place in my new community.

This year I became an adherent.

I also met a corps officer named Jo who has been pivotal in helping me to get the help I need, both with the drugs and the abuse. She is the first person I have ever trusted enough to tell the whole story of the abuse, and as it turns out, I really was abused - it wasn't all in my head, and my reactions were normal given the circumstances.

Anyway, I don't know how much the TeenHelp membership has changed over the last three and a half years, but I hope this blog post is useful to someone.

P.S. I lost my grandfather recently. He was an amazing man and I miss him terribly. I think we'll meet again eventually. The dead don't truly die until they are forgotten, so his legacy will be mine until I die.

I am so glad that I have been given opportunities to learn and to grow as a person. I am so glad I never succeeded at suicide. And finally, I am so glad this forum is still here.
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  1. Old Comment
    Celyn's Avatar
    Thank you for taking the time to update your blog and share your experience with us! I don't believe we've talked before but it's really good to see how far you've come since your lowest points!

    I'm sorry to hear about your grandfather but I whole heartedly agree that those we've lost aren't truly dead until they are forgotten.

    There may still be difficult days ahead but there are plenty of good times too. You are an inspiration and I'm glad things are working out for you. And I'm sure TeenHelp will be around for many more years too
    Posted July 15th 2019 at 05:06 PM by Celyn Celyn is offline
  2. Old Comment
    Ennui.'s Avatar
    <3 I’m so happy to see how well you are doing.
    Posted July 15th 2019 at 08:19 PM by Ennui. Ennui. is offline
  3. Old Comment
    Philomath's Avatar
    I'm glad you're doing so well! You've definitely been doing all the hard things to get to this point. I remember you from before and it's great hearing how things are going.
    Posted July 16th 2019 at 01:29 AM by Philomath Philomath is offline
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