I feel so good and so bad. I wake up in the morning and I am overwhelmed at the mere thought of leaving my bed. But I have things to do in the morning. So I get up. And it feels so hopeless and so hollow, even though it's not, even though it's leading to something. And the heaviness in my chest won't go, it keeps coming back. It eclipses all.

I saw Debbie yesterday and it was good. I told her about how I've decided to do the Peer Employment Training with the goal of becoming a Peer...

The waves come and they're big and they're strong, they drag me under, it's slow drowning, it's terrifying, how long until I break? Until I cannot breathe? How long until I snap? Can I make it through? I have doubts.

This hopelessness is overwhelming. I can see the good and the positive but I can't feel it. And it's the feeling it that's vital to wanting to continue. I don't want to continue. I want everything to end. I want everything to stop. I want to be in a place where there's...

I couldn't stay home last night. So after I left chat, I drove to Hamilton. I left Auckland at about 3:15 AM, and there was basically no traffic, but I was careful to drive at the speed limit. I got to the parking lot I was aiming for at about 4:40 AM. I smoked the rest of my joint and then I fell asleep for two hours in the driver's seat. I woke up. Then I went to the nearest supermarket to buy some food. I slept in the driver's seat for a further hour or so following that. Then I went to The Base...

(Because I'm fully digging The Offspring right now. And Mumford and Sons. And Nirvana. And Fun. So on so forth etcetera, loud music. In fact my psychologist suggested dancing to loud music as a way to stay grounded. Pity that would tear my headphones out of the headphone jack on my laptop . . .)

So in case you're wondering where I've been for the last half a week or so, I was at Tupu Ake again. I felt really unsafe for the first half of last week, and seeing as I've been making really...

Today marks FOUR WEEKS self-harm free.

I will have to set a new goal. I kind of don't want to do another four weeks, because that feels like achieving the same thing twice, so I'm thinking maybe 6 weeks? I'm not sure, but I'll be discussing it with Debbie at some point.

Last night I got drunk. Why?, you might ask. Well, I was going through some stuff in my cupboard, and I happened to find a letter that was a formal caution from gymnastics a couple of years ago. I'd...

Yup, I did that today. Although prior to that, I woke up, went to the dairy, and had the second of my three blood tests done.

Oh, I also planned to watch the second America's Cup race today, as I was getting blood drawn when the first one was happening, but it turns out Oracle are pussies so the next races won't be until Friday my time. We're 4 points up at any rate, so almost half way to winning the thing.

A car pulled up at 9:30am, as I had expected, but then I had...

It terrifies me that since I've started eating regularly I've gained weight. I'm already obese. I don't want to be more obese. Will this correct itself once my body gets used to it? I'm scared and a large part of me wants to go back to just eating once a day. I may not have been losing weight but at least I wasn't gaining it.

Gym membership this week, I've done my finances, I'll be able to afford it, PRAISE JEEBUS, because if I'm going to be eating three times a day then holy fuck...

Okay, so you might not be aware of this, but I've headaches most days for the last couple of months, along with feeling tired and generally energy-less - even though I've been sleeping. You also might not know that I finally went to the doctor about the abominable abdominal cramps I experience when I get my period.

So, at the doctors, got sent for blood tests. Three. Once for a full count plus assorted hormones, one for progesterone about a week before my period, and one for FSH between...

So I had stitches again, just over 3 weeks ago. A lot of other stuff happened too, although I don't remember precisely what, I do remember that I rang Debbie that Friday and we talked about how I'd said that I don't see self-harm as being beneficial for me long-term. Well, she said, what if we do a trial of not self-harming for a while? So that instead of being faced with stopping permanently all at once, I could attack it in more achievable amounts of time. We settled on a month. And so that there's...