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We're not broken, just bent.
Posted April 18th 2013 at 09:26 AM by i_like_black
I get my stitches out at 9:00am tomorrow. I'm really looking forward to it, the wound has been completely healed for like, 3 days now, and the stitches just itch.
I should have had a shower today. I should have vacuumed the floor. I should have cooked a better meal. I should have eaten less of the cake I baked. Although, my cake is delicious.
Some of my scars itch.
I'm torn between wanting to lose lots of weight, and wanting to eat and eat and eat.
And I haven't played my saxophone for two or three weeks.
And my art . . . well okay, it's still fucking awesome, but I'm not really feeling it. Takes too much concentrating.
I knitted for about an hour today whilst I watched the news and Campbell Live and Police 10-7.
I saw my probation officer and seeing her makes me so mad and I get all sarcastic-y and take things literally and just feel generally anti-social. I'm still on three-weekly reporting but honest to whoever she threatened me with twice-weekly. ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME. One cut that needs stitches and I'm being threatened with twice-weekly reporting, literally two months out from the end of my sentence. (My supervision sentence ends on 17th June 2013.)
She asked if there were others and what lead up to it but naturally I couldn't tell her about the fires because then she'd probably find some way to get me arrested or sectioned. My probation officer is a nice lady but she takes her job too seriously and I've come to dread my appointments with her.
I need to clean the house. And tidy my room. My room's not too bad but still.
Oh yeah, I made 7 mil gp in RuneScape between Sunday afternoon and Wednesday afternoon. I thought that was doing pretty well. I mean, sure, it's not 10mil a day, but it's a decent chunk towards the amount I need in order to get the resources for 99 fletching and cooking.
See this is the problem. It's all so everywhere. And moments like I had last night, where the bottom falls out of the world, they happen, and it's dangerous, and I'm so on edge, and every time the bottom falls out I want to hurt myself, but when the plug gets put back in the hole I'm like "oh, okay, life's not so bad".
Either the lithium's working a little too well (unlikely) or I just have no idea how to cope with myself. I'ma go with option B.
P.S. Chess, if you stalk this, you're lovely, and I hope I didn't creep you out the other day. My mind is . . . untamed.
I should have had a shower today. I should have vacuumed the floor. I should have cooked a better meal. I should have eaten less of the cake I baked. Although, my cake is delicious.
Some of my scars itch.
I'm torn between wanting to lose lots of weight, and wanting to eat and eat and eat.
And I haven't played my saxophone for two or three weeks.
And my art . . . well okay, it's still fucking awesome, but I'm not really feeling it. Takes too much concentrating.
I knitted for about an hour today whilst I watched the news and Campbell Live and Police 10-7.
I saw my probation officer and seeing her makes me so mad and I get all sarcastic-y and take things literally and just feel generally anti-social. I'm still on three-weekly reporting but honest to whoever she threatened me with twice-weekly. ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME. One cut that needs stitches and I'm being threatened with twice-weekly reporting, literally two months out from the end of my sentence. (My supervision sentence ends on 17th June 2013.)
She asked if there were others and what lead up to it but naturally I couldn't tell her about the fires because then she'd probably find some way to get me arrested or sectioned. My probation officer is a nice lady but she takes her job too seriously and I've come to dread my appointments with her.
I need to clean the house. And tidy my room. My room's not too bad but still.
Oh yeah, I made 7 mil gp in RuneScape between Sunday afternoon and Wednesday afternoon. I thought that was doing pretty well. I mean, sure, it's not 10mil a day, but it's a decent chunk towards the amount I need in order to get the resources for 99 fletching and cooking.
See this is the problem. It's all so everywhere. And moments like I had last night, where the bottom falls out of the world, they happen, and it's dangerous, and I'm so on edge, and every time the bottom falls out I want to hurt myself, but when the plug gets put back in the hole I'm like "oh, okay, life's not so bad".
Either the lithium's working a little too well (unlikely) or I just have no idea how to cope with myself. I'ma go with option B.
P.S. Chess, if you stalk this, you're lovely, and I hope I didn't creep you out the other day. My mind is . . . untamed.
Total Comments 1
Comments
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I bet getting those stitches out is going to feel so amazing for you, less annoyance with itching! But I totally feel you with scars itching, that happens to me sometimes and I have to sit there debating scratching them and leaving them be.
But heck, I've never seen you and I bet you're beautiful at no matter what weight you're at. And sometimes cake or any junk food is really lovely and sometimes eating it can lift our spirits just a little bit. Maybe you can try and also find some new recipes that don't take long but still taste good. I've noticed my mom saying the best ones are found online. That way you can find something healthy and delicious and also have some delicious cake as dessert.
And maybe you can do things like the saxophone or art a little at a time if you can, so that way you're still doing it but when it gets hard or you need a break you can take it without too much worrying.
But I'm sorry that your probation officer takes things too seriously. I get that she has a job to do but maybe it'd be better if she took each individual case into consideration instead of going exactly by the books each time. But I know absolutely nothing about probation or law in general so I could be totally wrong.
I also know nothing about Runescape, what do you do in that game?
I'm really sorry that you have some of those moments where everything just falls out. Try to remember that eventually something will come along that will make it okay. And that's something to keep holding on for, the fact that something will make things okay for a while. And you are stronger than you give yourself credit for, you know?
And I bet everyone will come around too. <3Posted April 18th 2013 at 05:03 PM by Ennui.
