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Posted May 5th 2013 at 03:42 AM by i_like_black
Sometimes I struggle to tell even my blog what's going on.
The words can be hard and the words can be painful, and sometimes I'm afraid. So very, very afraid. And I can't even explain why. Maybe it's anxiety, my team says I get very anxious a lot.
I got told that what happened in the bus stop was wrong, but that I didn't do anything wrong. I got told I could lay harassment charges if I wanted to. I declined. If I couldn't say it out loud to somebody whom I know and trust implicitly, how would I be able to say it in front of a court room full of strangers? No. Just, no.
He's been banned from boxing. But on the not-so-positive side, he's moved to my suburb. I'm a little bit scared that if he saw me down at the shops, he might follow me home. But then he would be trespassing and that's definitely not okay.
Last week when the bottom fell out of the world, it turns out that what happened in the bus stop triggered a lot of memories and unpleasant feelings, and that's how I ended up spending 3.5 days in hospital. I came home on Monday afternoon. Leisa said I was very difficult for the first half of the week, she said it was like when she first met me all over again. But she pushes at things. And she decided that me not being specific about what happened in the bus stop probably meant it was something important.
I'm feeling better now. I'm nervous about Monday but I haven't cut since Tuesday or Wednesday. And I've been taking the quetiapine with my lithium every night. It's in the blister pack for a while so that I don't get a choice about it. I'm sort of glad I'm on the med-run. Sort of. I still feel ambivalent about a lot.
My mood has started to settle down. I don't feel awful constantly, or everywhere, or hyped, or angry. I just feel like what normal is, I suppose. It's very different.
It's nice to fall asleep at night, and wake up in the morning. It's nice to be a little tired if I've stayed up too late. It's nice to be able to tell the difference between hunger and craving. So maybe I'll stay on the lithium long-term, as you're supposed to.
The guy from the bus stop, it wasn't the first time he'd done anything like that. He's actually been to prison before for a raft of charges including some similar offences.
It's nice to know I didn't do anything wrong. Although I still feel like I should have walked away, even though I was waiting for a bus.
In other news, Ange graduated from P.E.T., and Leisa has suggested that perhaps I should do a fair chunk of the D.B.T. first, just so I can cope with P.E.T. better.
In other other news, Leisa randomly put her arm around me when we were going out for a smoke on Friday and that was nice.
The words can be hard and the words can be painful, and sometimes I'm afraid. So very, very afraid. And I can't even explain why. Maybe it's anxiety, my team says I get very anxious a lot.
I got told that what happened in the bus stop was wrong, but that I didn't do anything wrong. I got told I could lay harassment charges if I wanted to. I declined. If I couldn't say it out loud to somebody whom I know and trust implicitly, how would I be able to say it in front of a court room full of strangers? No. Just, no.
He's been banned from boxing. But on the not-so-positive side, he's moved to my suburb. I'm a little bit scared that if he saw me down at the shops, he might follow me home. But then he would be trespassing and that's definitely not okay.
Last week when the bottom fell out of the world, it turns out that what happened in the bus stop triggered a lot of memories and unpleasant feelings, and that's how I ended up spending 3.5 days in hospital. I came home on Monday afternoon. Leisa said I was very difficult for the first half of the week, she said it was like when she first met me all over again. But she pushes at things. And she decided that me not being specific about what happened in the bus stop probably meant it was something important.
I'm feeling better now. I'm nervous about Monday but I haven't cut since Tuesday or Wednesday. And I've been taking the quetiapine with my lithium every night. It's in the blister pack for a while so that I don't get a choice about it. I'm sort of glad I'm on the med-run. Sort of. I still feel ambivalent about a lot.
My mood has started to settle down. I don't feel awful constantly, or everywhere, or hyped, or angry. I just feel like what normal is, I suppose. It's very different.
It's nice to fall asleep at night, and wake up in the morning. It's nice to be a little tired if I've stayed up too late. It's nice to be able to tell the difference between hunger and craving. So maybe I'll stay on the lithium long-term, as you're supposed to.
The guy from the bus stop, it wasn't the first time he'd done anything like that. He's actually been to prison before for a raft of charges including some similar offences.
It's nice to know I didn't do anything wrong. Although I still feel like I should have walked away, even though I was waiting for a bus.
In other news, Ange graduated from P.E.T., and Leisa has suggested that perhaps I should do a fair chunk of the D.B.T. first, just so I can cope with P.E.T. better.
In other other news, Leisa randomly put her arm around me when we were going out for a smoke on Friday and that was nice.
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