Simple things.

It terrifies me that since I've started eating regularly I've gained weight. I'm already obese. I don't want to be more obese. Will this correct itself once my body gets used to it? I'm scared and a large part of me wants to go back to just eating once a day. I may not have been losing weight but at least I wasn't gaining it.

Gym membership this week, I've done my finances, I'll be able to afford it, PRAISE JEEBUS, because if I'm going to be eating three times a day then holy fuck I'm gonna need a gym. (For reference: my favourite types of exercise involve lifting heavy weights and swimming. A gym membership achieves these without me needing a large initial outlay or a place to put things.)

I started my drawing today. Even if I don't get selected for the funding/exhibition (although I really hope I DO get selected), I'm still going to do the piece. Sort of . . . just to show myself that I can. That I've still got it, I can do something more than a drawing on A3. I can make a cohesive piece of art-work that I can bullshit an artist's statement for. I need to do it for me.

I'm feeling better for the iron and folic acid. I still don't feel amazing but I'm finding it easier to actually get stuff done. And to get out of bed in the morning, which is a bonus.

I've been sleeping better. And dreaming! So many dreams! So many weird, weird dreams! On that note, I dreamed my iPod got returned. I was fairly disappointed when I woke up realised that it was, indeed, just a dream.

Tomorrow I'm going to wake up early to watch the America's Cup races 3 and 4. We won the first two, so I'm interested. And while they're on TV, I'm going to wash my linen, because I want clean sheets, but not different sheets. Then after that I'm due blood test number two (the one for progesterone), lunch, which I feel oddly about, and then I see Debbie. I'm driving. My car's all good now, so I'm boycotting public transport.

I filled out a thing to get the NZ Herald delivered free for a month. As well as keeping up with current events, I'm seriously considering keeping the stack of heralds for fire material at a later date. But you don't know that.

I haven't self-harmed in over three weeks but I think I already said that in an earlier blog entry.

I hit my goals for breakfast and showering this week. 4x showers, and 4 - 5x breakfasts was the goal. I managed 4x showers and 6x breakfasts. Go me. I think. I'm not sure.

I feel really upset about the weight gain thing, it really bothers me, I KNOW my thinking around this isn't exactly . . . healthy . . . but - but gaining weight when I'm already clinically obese is painful mentally. :/