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If Only By A Fragile Hold

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Posted January 8th 2009 at 11:08 AM by Laura Love

I've been having the same dream over and over again..... A dream that I'm alone, no one around. In that dream all of me, fingers, cheeks, fingernails, feet, teeth, bones, flesh, even the tips of my hair ache from such loneliness. The world filled with warmth the one of us together seems more like a dream than the dream I'm having now. But I feel that so long as I don't lose the memory from those days I may be able to stay connected to reality. If only by a fragile, fragile hold.

Though it seems that that fragile hold I have has begun to slip, all of me aches now with a constant pain, but not longer just in my dreams but in my reality as well. The memories of the days when my world was filled with such warmth has come crashing down on me. I've begun to be reminded of the times when I felt so broken off from the world, when nothing I thought or felt made complete sense to me. I feel like I've begun to override my emotions I once knew and have begun to swing into a self destruct mode. There is an off button but it seems so far away and out of reach, a long with the constant pain it seems hard to even move towards it. Lacking energy I sit in this accepting what I shouldn't. And as I begin to accept what seems like fate, that simple spark in my eye and child like wonder beings to burn out. That flame that whildy grew and took root in me seems to of taken damage from my acceptance and is beginning to loose it's strength in me. And now what was once a dream it starts to feel so real to me, as if my reality and dream is clashing mixing into one. My very existence in both worlds melts with one another and I feel as if I'm losing who I am in the process. And as I close my eyes and fall back into a world unbeknownst to me. I begin to lose who I truly am and accept that this aching, this loneliness is something that is just of who I am and what my fate is in life.

But wait, this all makes no sense, why must I accept a fate that was in my dreams? Shouldn't I fight it with all that I am and claim back who I am? Or is it all too late to do such things? A famous quote is: "It's never too late." well if that's the case then I am able to break this, right? That is what I believe, but I know I can't do this alone....who will be there to help me? Better yet, who will want to take on such a broken girl and fix her up like new? No one, that's who. So is this girl that is so lost in her dreams/reality who I really am? Or am I lost somewhere in the middle, just needing something to guide me along? I suppose time will tell.
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