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Sex Positive Safety Talk

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Posted September 28th 2013 at 10:08 AM by Mahray

So here it is. The Sex Positive Safety Talk. A little of the basic philosophy behind it first.

Sex is wonderful! Sex is fun, and funny (hilarious sometimes), and life-affirming, and great! But sex can also have some serious drawbacks. The idea behind staying safe is to have the fun and awesome and wonderful side of sex and avoid the pitfalls.

So hereís some of the problems you can encounter. Iím not talking about positions and acts much here, not the right venue. Just some of what you want to avoid.

This one is important. Really really important. Thatís why itís right here at the top.

You have the right and the expectation to consent to absolutely fucking everything that goes on with your body. If you donít feel entirely comfortable, you should say no and expect it to be heard. Partners donít always listen, so be prepared to be forceful. Worse case? Throw up on them. Stick a finger down your throat and hurl. Thatíll get you out of the situation.

At the point where heís about to stick his penis in you and you feel worried? Tell him to stop. Kick him in the balls if you have to. Consent is not a once only thing, itís continual. You should be checking with yourself and your partner before anything new, and each time. Once youíre in a longer relationship, you can do it quickly and subtly, but it needs to be there all the time.

Same applies to your partner, if s/he doesnít want to do something then you donít force them.

Iím not saying donít try anything new (in fact, try all sorts of things at least once!) But donít get caught into thinking that it will end up ok. If you donít feel completely comfortable, then donít do it!

Make your expectations on consent clear at the start. If you feel anything wrong, leave. Donít wait around. Donít think that s/heíll change either, they wonít. You have the absolute right to decide what happens with your body.

There is no timeline that you should be following. You do things whenever youíre ready. With different partners, that may happen at different times. Thatís perfectly ok!

Oh, and donít look to porn for hints. Commercial mainstream porn is not like real sex at all. You shouldnít expect to do anal all the time, blowjobs are not compulsory (but are nice), and those positions? They donít always work without a hell of a lot of flexibility and people helping out.

Physical Dangers

Ok, there are a couple of ways in which you can run into physical harm. Letís run through the more important ones.


This is one of the big ones. Basically, anytime a guyís penis gets near your vagina, there is a risk that some sperm-containing semen will end up inside you. You also have to watch out for things like being fingered after heís masturbated to orgasm. Prevention for this is birth control.

Birth control options
Abstinence is the first one. Simply donít have sex at all. Not exactly useful though.

Second is to avoid any PIV sex and enjoy everything else on the menu. That can be pretty good!

If you are having PIV sex (or anything close to it), then you need to be on birth control. Basically, there are a bunch of pills and the implant. Can be difficult to access without parents knowing, but the pill is often used to help regulate hormones and periods even if someone isnít sexually active.

As well as the pill whenever youíre engaging in PIV sex the guy needs to be wearing a condom. There are many many options there, different styles and sizes, so there will be something that he can wear and still feel good. Now technically, the pill by itself (or implant) is fairly effective, but you donít really want to take risks - and there are other reasons.

With condom use - make sure heís putting it on properly (that can be fun to help with). Also make sure that once youíre done, he pulls it off and disposes of in the bin. Donít try to flush it down the toilet, it will either block the pipes or just float around on the top and be really obvious. Generally, tie a knot in it with the semen in the tip. Donít ever reuse a condom, and you can always switch after a while if you need to. Theyíre not expensive, and itís often worth you having some on hand in case.

Oh, and condoms have an expiry date. Pay attention to it.

Sexually Transmitted Infections (STIs)

Itís the new name for STDs, because theyíre not all disease causing agents. Basically, unless you and your partner test clean (and generally over a couple of tests a few months apart), you need to be taking precautions. Condoms, again, are a big one. A condom will protect against most STIs in the important ways. Basically, until youíve both been tested, use a condom every time his penis goes near your vagina. Oral sex can also cause transmission, so ideally youíd be using a condom for oral as well or a dental dam (basically like a sheet of plastic).

The tl;dr version? Youíre not only having sex with her (or him), but everyone theyíve ever had sex with. Testing isnít particularly expensive, but again you need to think about who would find out. If you canít get tested, donít risk it! Donít think Iím serious? Google chlamydia, among others. Stupidly high infection rates amongst young people, and it doesnít have visible symptoms. Can fuck with fertility though, among other problems.

Sexual Assault

Iím throwing this one in the physical risks. It comes down to consent again. If you donít say yes, or if you say no and they donít stop? Itís sexual assault. Sometimes it can get violent, sometimes itís just about the control thing (most domestic violence is about power and control).

Bruises, scratches, bites etc

These can be really fun. Problem is, when you end up with a nice hickey on your neck? Scratches down your back? Other people might notice. Plus, sometimes it hurts. Now, if you find out you like a bit of pain during sex? Go for it! Do some research, set up some safe words, and have fun. Just be aware of possible consequences.

Pain during first intercourse

Basically, thereís this myth out there that PIV sex for the first time should hurt the girl. Complete bullshit. If it hurts a lot? Youíre doing it wrong. This is about preparation, being turned on enough, lubricating if needed, and taking it slow and easy. A little blood can happen because of tears as the vagina stretches more than itís used to, but if it hurts? Stop. Thereís no rush.

Emotional Dangers

Sex is... different for different people. For some, sex is about love. Without love, there isnít sex. The other end of the spectrum is sex is just sex, nothing more. Most people will fall somewhere in the middle, sex is enjoyable past-time but there should be some sort of relationship there (from marriage to fuck-buddy and anything in between).

Sending stuff

The basic rule is - if you take pictures or anything and send them to someone else, youíre trusting them for life. Not saying donít do it (in fact, it can be really hot), but be very very aware. Of particular importance are the laws around age and sending or receiving images. Things like snapchat seem good, but there are always ways of keeping an image. Always.


Rumours can spread. Sometimes theyíre real, sometimes not. My personal philosophy? Two or more consenting adults fucking? Entirely up to them. But other people, not so much. So be aware that your partner might tell, or someone else might. Shouldnít stop you, but you do need to be aware.

Breaking up

Most relationships wonít last. Some last a little while, others for a long time. A few will last forever. But most of the time, youíll end up breaking up. You donít always get a say about the timing, and you canít control your partnerís reaction. What you can do is be prepared and, frankly, accepting. Itís likely to happen, itís likely to happen a lot, and you need to be ready. They can get rough, but you will survive and be able to move on. There are all sorts of things you can do to help yourself through a breakup. Rebound sex is not always a good idea!


Miscommunication kills. In terms of sex and relationship, it wonít necessarily kill you, but it can cause all sorts of grief. Talk to your partner, openly. Talk about everything. Communicate a lot! Talk about what works for you, what turns you on, what turns you off. Communicate during sex. It doesnít have to be dirty talk, but you do need to communicate what youíre feeling and what you want, as well as listening.


Thatís about it. Letís recap the basics.

1. You have the right to say no to anything, at any time, and have that decision respected.
2. You need to be really careful anytime a penis goes near a vagina.
3. Condoms help stop STI transmission as well. If youíre doing things with another girl, then you can still get an STI.
4. Have fun! Human bodies work wonderfully well for sex, so enjoy yourself in all sorts of ways.
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