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Posted April 22nd 2009 at 03:09 AM by s_tor_m
Growing up, I was always known as "that girl who never talks". Always have, and probably always will. As a young child, I was your typical shy, little girl. Nobody ever really questioned it, I mean, everyone is shy around strangers right? I talked to my family just like any other kid, however when I got to my first year of school my parents quickly realized that I wasn't simply acting shy. In fact, throughout the entire school I only talked to one single person, my best friend. Both my parents and my teachers tried numerous ways to get me to open my mouth, but I didn't make the slightest peep.
My father was in the navy, and therefore he got called away for months at a time. He got a call one day, I was around four years old at that point. When he got back a few months later, I didn't recognize him right away, and I remember being afraid of this man. I didn't talk to him for however long, but in that time he grew very impatient with me. He would make me stand in his office, just stand there until I talked. When he asked me if I needed to use the bathroom, I would stare at the ground, too petrified to even nod my head. His frustration worsened when I peed my pants on his newly installed carpet.
I continued to hold my tongue, until one night he couldn't deal with me anymore. He told me to pack my bags and live with someone else for a while until I was ready to talk to him, and only then could I come home. Being only four or five, I didn't understand what was happening or why I was leaving. I went outside with my backpack on and since my best friend lived right across the street from me, I decided that was the only other place I could go. I started to walk over when my dad came up behind me and asked where I was going. He told me "They don't want you" and had my mom drive me to a nice family's home, some people we knew from church. I stayed there for about a week, the entire time I didn't say a single word.
The thing they never figured out was the more they tried to get me to talk, the worse my anxiety got, and thus making the situation harder than it already was. And what nobody understood/stands is that I wanted to talk, more than anything. But I literally couldn't. "There is a world of difference between refusal and failure." That's a pretty good way to put it. I tried so hard to force words out, but every time I just ended up panicking and my heart would race until it felt as though it was going to pop out of my chest. Everyone believed I was simply stubborn and was seeking attention. They were horribly mistaken, in fact i HATED attention. I avoided it at all costs.
My whole school experience from kindergarten until 8th grade was not the most pleasant of times. (not to say high school is any better, but that's an entirely different story) I'm not sure exactly how I began to talk, but I overcame it somehow. Almost exactly a year ago, I decided to do some research on my "condition" to see if it was normal or not. I was surprised to discover that there is a disorder called Selective Mutism that occurs mostly in children, but is very rare, occurring in less than .01% of the worldwide population . I swear it was like reading a biography of my life. At least now I know I'm not entirely alone in it, even though I have yet to meet someone who knows what it's like.
So I wasn't entirely sure where this blog was headed, but I just thought I would give some background info. If course that's just a brief summary but if I keep going I'll type a novel. I didn't plan on this being so long, so my apologies for that. But any questions about me or if I left something out...feel free to ask
-tor
P.S.- here's a quick poem I wrote today. Not the greatest but hey I'm no poet.
My father was in the navy, and therefore he got called away for months at a time. He got a call one day, I was around four years old at that point. When he got back a few months later, I didn't recognize him right away, and I remember being afraid of this man. I didn't talk to him for however long, but in that time he grew very impatient with me. He would make me stand in his office, just stand there until I talked. When he asked me if I needed to use the bathroom, I would stare at the ground, too petrified to even nod my head. His frustration worsened when I peed my pants on his newly installed carpet.
I continued to hold my tongue, until one night he couldn't deal with me anymore. He told me to pack my bags and live with someone else for a while until I was ready to talk to him, and only then could I come home. Being only four or five, I didn't understand what was happening or why I was leaving. I went outside with my backpack on and since my best friend lived right across the street from me, I decided that was the only other place I could go. I started to walk over when my dad came up behind me and asked where I was going. He told me "They don't want you" and had my mom drive me to a nice family's home, some people we knew from church. I stayed there for about a week, the entire time I didn't say a single word.
The thing they never figured out was the more they tried to get me to talk, the worse my anxiety got, and thus making the situation harder than it already was. And what nobody understood/stands is that I wanted to talk, more than anything. But I literally couldn't. "There is a world of difference between refusal and failure." That's a pretty good way to put it. I tried so hard to force words out, but every time I just ended up panicking and my heart would race until it felt as though it was going to pop out of my chest. Everyone believed I was simply stubborn and was seeking attention. They were horribly mistaken, in fact i HATED attention. I avoided it at all costs.
My whole school experience from kindergarten until 8th grade was not the most pleasant of times. (not to say high school is any better, but that's an entirely different story) I'm not sure exactly how I began to talk, but I overcame it somehow. Almost exactly a year ago, I decided to do some research on my "condition" to see if it was normal or not. I was surprised to discover that there is a disorder called Selective Mutism that occurs mostly in children, but is very rare, occurring in less than .01% of the worldwide population . I swear it was like reading a biography of my life. At least now I know I'm not entirely alone in it, even though I have yet to meet someone who knows what it's like.
So I wasn't entirely sure where this blog was headed, but I just thought I would give some background info. If course that's just a brief summary but if I keep going I'll type a novel. I didn't plan on this being so long, so my apologies for that. But any questions about me or if I left something out...feel free to ask
-tor
P.S.- here's a quick poem I wrote today. Not the greatest but hey I'm no poet.
"Silent Answers"
Mouth ignoring the one desire,
The want, the need, burning like fire.
They won't accept it isn't a choice,
When invisible chains restrain the voice.
Lips refusing a desperate cry,
Their alien stares, wondering why.
Mind and body, separate things.
Lost in a dream of growing wings.
Unwanted course, solely nature's,
When simple questions get silent answers.
Mouth ignoring the one desire,
The want, the need, burning like fire.
They won't accept it isn't a choice,
When invisible chains restrain the voice.
Lips refusing a desperate cry,
Their alien stares, wondering why.
Mind and body, separate things.
Lost in a dream of growing wings.
Unwanted course, solely nature's,
When simple questions get silent answers.
Total Comments 1
Comments
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You are definitely NOT alone....I am actually really interested in Selective Mutism and think that once I'm out of school I want to work with kids who are selectively mute. And right now I know a little girl who is selectively mute. There is an author, Torey Hayden, who has written five or six books about kids she worked with. Her specialty is Selective Mutism so most of her books include at least one child who is selectively mute. The books are SO interesting and really easy to read, so I just wanted to recommend them to youPosted April 22nd 2009 at 02:58 PM by Jen
