Log in (
I suppose it's that time,
Posted October 16th 2009 at 08:35 AM by ThoughtManifest
Updated October 16th 2009 at 08:59 AM by ThoughtManifest
Updated October 16th 2009 at 08:59 AM by ThoughtManifest
My first blog post. Essentially, my first journal entry. What better way to record my emotions in a site where no one I know will ever find it? Too many times have my personal emotions been found and placed in the harsh public light, but that should not be the case here. Or at least I hope it won't be. I guess that's a risk I'm willing to take at this point.
Maybe I'll update every day, maybe every week. Not sure at this point, this idea of writing down my naked thoughts feels too strange for me to know how I will view it tomorrow or the day after that and so on. Guess it's how it all comes to me, what is worth writing down and what isn't. I'll try not to make it a whining-fest over here, I'm not very tolerant of that myself so it wouldn't make any sense to take part in it if I had the choice.
I'll officially start out by outlining who I think I am. Religiously, as far as I can tell, I align with the (primarily LaVeyan) Satanist's mentality. Which seems like an odd thing seeing as even being here in the first place sets that statement in question, but I feel like you all have the support I need at this point in time, so fuck it if it doesn't fit in with that label. It is just the philosophy, or religion, that seems to fit me best at this time. I've been spending a lot of time reading up on all Left Hand Path material and will lean that way with all of my blogs, if anyone besides me decides to read this, that bit of information may explain a lot. Look Satanism up if your confused as to why.
My sexuality is something that is up on the table at this point. Seeing as how I've never been in a healthy relationship before, I have no room to state what I am. Since I'm being completely honest here, and will continue to do so until it doesn't help my needs any longer, I have had sexual urgings towards both men and women. Either my libido is confused, or I'm bisexual, but I'm not willing to state what I am until I have had time to constructively experiment and seek out that information for myself. Hell, I'm not even sure what gender I associate with more, but at this point that doesn't seem like a high priority issue (I'm still living at home with parents who do not tolerate the idea that their children are anything but normal, straight, girls, so it would just be disrespectful to push the point now). So we'll see how that takes off a few years from now.
I have sustained a 4.00 GPA throughout high school and see no reason to change that now. I was just contacted a few days ago with the news that I have been accepted into a very prestigious University out near the east coast (I'm not just tooting my own horn, it is a very well known University in the field I am going into) and have been dealing with the implications of that ever since I found out. Still waiting for the letter, I got the notification online so I'm not taking it as fact until I have the physical letter in my hand. Still feels unreal. So obviously I am very academically serious, but this holds its drawbacks as well as rewards.
I am both a novelist and a programmer, so words are very important to me. Language, both written and spoken, is something I could never live without. I build my life around words, read thousands of them every day, and construct my own in my head every second. There's no getting away from them, and they are the best friends I could ever ask for. This is why it pains me to see everyone around me destroy them each day, treat them like garbage and throw them around. Using insults as displays of affection and terrible grammar as a way to sound cool. None of that makes sense. Every sentence you utter, either through your mouth or your pen, is precious. Eager to repair or destroy, only they hold the power to control nations.
I will most likely place excerpts from my most recent novel up on here, it's still in the works, but I'll state it here that any letter I copy onto here belongs to me and was penned by me unless otherwise stated. Authors are just as important as the words they print. Please respect that. I only write from the heart, and from the emotions that are active in me right now. Sounds silly, but it's the truth. What comes out is sometimes disgusting, sometimes comforting, really depends on the day. It's been one of my goals to laden every word with meaning lest I cheapen its power. Even if a story I post here seems stupid and pointless, take another look. Rarely do I write for empty reasons.
Music is a driving force in my life. I can say that I haven't gone a single day without listening to any music for years. My favorite bands vary from time to time, but only one has stayed with me the entire time: A Perfect Circle. They have never failed me, never left me, and have never hurt me. What more could I ask for? But my other favorite artists as of right now include Black Light Burns, Puscifer, Pitchshifter, Celldweller, Dope, and Powerman 5000 among others. I have recently gotten into Slipknot, although their earlier music has not caught my attention as much as their new disc did. "Snuff" really got me interested in the first place, then it all just picked up from there. If anyone else has any suggestions for me, I would love to hear them. Music is what helps me get up and live in the morning, never hurts to hear a new band.
Movies also hold a special place in me. Any film that portrays its point eloquently and beautifully (which could be represented in a variety of ways, you'd be surprised) affects me deeply. I have an ever changing list of top 10 movies that I believe every human with a conscious thought in their head should watch for a variety of reasons. Here is how it stands right now:
1) The Fountain (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0414993/)
2) Chumbscrubber (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0406650/)
3) The Fall (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0460791/)
4) Pathology (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0964539/)
5) Gamer (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1034032/)
6) Stay (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0371257/)
7) Sunshine Cleaning (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0862846/)
8) La Planete Sauvage aka The Fantastic Planet (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0070544/)
9) Paris, je t'aime (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0401711/)
10) The Sick House (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0451197/)
These aren't in any particular order, and some are just for fun. But I literally watch at least a few movies every week, sometimes over 10. It's something my family likes to do, and the process has grown on me. Guess I should warn that some of these movies may be triggering (Pathology in particular) but they are mostly okay. Check them out for yourself. I'll probably be recommending movies here and there as I find them or remember them.
I also love books, but I think that is for another time. There is just too much to say about them. All of these things keep me incredibly busy, and sometimes it becomes a bit overwhelming. Like there is so much information and bits of enlightenment in the world, that I could kill myself trying to find them all. I also seem to be too much of a dreamer for my own good. If I could, I would go off and become a professional writer. Maybe some of you could help tell me whether I could make it or not. There's a difference between having the drive, and having the talent. I honestly just want to make a difference in someone's world, but I feel too small and too worthless to do anything, so I let something more solid speak for me. Three guesses what that is ahaha
Thanks to anyone who bothered to read this far, and thanks in advance for anyone else who takes the time to read what I have to say. It would help to know that I'm not just talking to thin air. I'm hoping that someone out there can learn something from me the way that I'm hoping to learn from you. Thanks again.
Maybe I'll update every day, maybe every week. Not sure at this point, this idea of writing down my naked thoughts feels too strange for me to know how I will view it tomorrow or the day after that and so on. Guess it's how it all comes to me, what is worth writing down and what isn't. I'll try not to make it a whining-fest over here, I'm not very tolerant of that myself so it wouldn't make any sense to take part in it if I had the choice.
I'll officially start out by outlining who I think I am. Religiously, as far as I can tell, I align with the (primarily LaVeyan) Satanist's mentality. Which seems like an odd thing seeing as even being here in the first place sets that statement in question, but I feel like you all have the support I need at this point in time, so fuck it if it doesn't fit in with that label. It is just the philosophy, or religion, that seems to fit me best at this time. I've been spending a lot of time reading up on all Left Hand Path material and will lean that way with all of my blogs, if anyone besides me decides to read this, that bit of information may explain a lot. Look Satanism up if your confused as to why.
My sexuality is something that is up on the table at this point. Seeing as how I've never been in a healthy relationship before, I have no room to state what I am. Since I'm being completely honest here, and will continue to do so until it doesn't help my needs any longer, I have had sexual urgings towards both men and women. Either my libido is confused, or I'm bisexual, but I'm not willing to state what I am until I have had time to constructively experiment and seek out that information for myself. Hell, I'm not even sure what gender I associate with more, but at this point that doesn't seem like a high priority issue (I'm still living at home with parents who do not tolerate the idea that their children are anything but normal, straight, girls, so it would just be disrespectful to push the point now). So we'll see how that takes off a few years from now.
I have sustained a 4.00 GPA throughout high school and see no reason to change that now. I was just contacted a few days ago with the news that I have been accepted into a very prestigious University out near the east coast (I'm not just tooting my own horn, it is a very well known University in the field I am going into) and have been dealing with the implications of that ever since I found out. Still waiting for the letter, I got the notification online so I'm not taking it as fact until I have the physical letter in my hand. Still feels unreal. So obviously I am very academically serious, but this holds its drawbacks as well as rewards.
I am both a novelist and a programmer, so words are very important to me. Language, both written and spoken, is something I could never live without. I build my life around words, read thousands of them every day, and construct my own in my head every second. There's no getting away from them, and they are the best friends I could ever ask for. This is why it pains me to see everyone around me destroy them each day, treat them like garbage and throw them around. Using insults as displays of affection and terrible grammar as a way to sound cool. None of that makes sense. Every sentence you utter, either through your mouth or your pen, is precious. Eager to repair or destroy, only they hold the power to control nations.
I will most likely place excerpts from my most recent novel up on here, it's still in the works, but I'll state it here that any letter I copy onto here belongs to me and was penned by me unless otherwise stated. Authors are just as important as the words they print. Please respect that. I only write from the heart, and from the emotions that are active in me right now. Sounds silly, but it's the truth. What comes out is sometimes disgusting, sometimes comforting, really depends on the day. It's been one of my goals to laden every word with meaning lest I cheapen its power. Even if a story I post here seems stupid and pointless, take another look. Rarely do I write for empty reasons.
Music is a driving force in my life. I can say that I haven't gone a single day without listening to any music for years. My favorite bands vary from time to time, but only one has stayed with me the entire time: A Perfect Circle. They have never failed me, never left me, and have never hurt me. What more could I ask for? But my other favorite artists as of right now include Black Light Burns, Puscifer, Pitchshifter, Celldweller, Dope, and Powerman 5000 among others. I have recently gotten into Slipknot, although their earlier music has not caught my attention as much as their new disc did. "Snuff" really got me interested in the first place, then it all just picked up from there. If anyone else has any suggestions for me, I would love to hear them. Music is what helps me get up and live in the morning, never hurts to hear a new band.
Movies also hold a special place in me. Any film that portrays its point eloquently and beautifully (which could be represented in a variety of ways, you'd be surprised) affects me deeply. I have an ever changing list of top 10 movies that I believe every human with a conscious thought in their head should watch for a variety of reasons. Here is how it stands right now:
1) The Fountain (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0414993/)
2) Chumbscrubber (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0406650/)
3) The Fall (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0460791/)
4) Pathology (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0964539/)
5) Gamer (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1034032/)
6) Stay (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0371257/)
7) Sunshine Cleaning (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0862846/)
8) La Planete Sauvage aka The Fantastic Planet (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0070544/)
9) Paris, je t'aime (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0401711/)
10) The Sick House (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0451197/)
These aren't in any particular order, and some are just for fun. But I literally watch at least a few movies every week, sometimes over 10. It's something my family likes to do, and the process has grown on me. Guess I should warn that some of these movies may be triggering (Pathology in particular) but they are mostly okay. Check them out for yourself. I'll probably be recommending movies here and there as I find them or remember them.
I also love books, but I think that is for another time. There is just too much to say about them. All of these things keep me incredibly busy, and sometimes it becomes a bit overwhelming. Like there is so much information and bits of enlightenment in the world, that I could kill myself trying to find them all. I also seem to be too much of a dreamer for my own good. If I could, I would go off and become a professional writer. Maybe some of you could help tell me whether I could make it or not. There's a difference between having the drive, and having the talent. I honestly just want to make a difference in someone's world, but I feel too small and too worthless to do anything, so I let something more solid speak for me. Three guesses what that is ahaha
Thanks to anyone who bothered to read this far, and thanks in advance for anyone else who takes the time to read what I have to say. It would help to know that I'm not just talking to thin air. I'm hoping that someone out there can learn something from me the way that I'm hoping to learn from you. Thanks again.
Total Comments 3
Comments
-
wow, you seem like a really interesting person and i will definately be following your bloggs
from what youv said, it sounds like your drive makes your tellent, i wish i was that passionate about something, me, i just dont know what to do with all this time i have. I will probably comment again soon. thanks.Posted October 16th 2009 at 03:16 PM by noodle
-
I hear you.
And think that your story is important.
(: Take good care.Posted October 17th 2009 at 03:16 AM by Katrina
-
Thanks, feels good to know I'm not always talking to thin air : ] best of luck to the both of you!Posted October 17th 2009 at 03:35 AM by ThoughtManifest
