Gary Speed.
Legend.
Shaken the whole country up.
Normal guy, had everything, commits suicide.
Painted my nails in memory of him.
A top guy.
Showed me that my depression is ok.
He had a normal day, I watched him on football focus that morning!
Happy
Smiling
Laughing
Has a full day, talks to Robbie Savage and then has a 4...

I don't want to die today that's a lie
I don't want to die today
I don't want to die today
I don't want to die today
I don't want to die today
I don't want to die today
I don't want to die today...

Test was all about suicide and euthanasia
I managed to come to the conclusion that suicide is a good thing and all Christians should give euthanasia to people that want it.
Aparrently that's not right...
I think I was meant to say that it goes against God or something...
I went on the opinion that God's a load of rubbish...
Not sure if I believe...
Well I do believe, but I don't worship...
I think this test of faith or whatever else it could be is rubbish...

On study leave Revsision 24/7 and exams though
Scared about tomorrow, have ethics exam...
The paper triggers me It's all about death, euthanasia and suicide...
My philosophy paper today went ok... I definately did enough to get a B and I wouldn't be surprised if I got an A. I know this is jinxing it but hey...
Never feel as if papers go well so I'm in an odd way...
Off to revise Chemistry now, staying away from ethics, I'm so on the edge right now...

Went to Birmingham today for football and shopping.
Met up with my uncle...
Found out I have a half brother called Ryan after Giggs.
He's 1, my father had him at 47
Don't know how I feel, envy that Ryan lives in luxery I suppose, but I would like to meet him when he's old enough.
My father knows about my footy love and the fact my uncle met up with me. That feels horrible that he knows things but still doesn't support me in any way.
You guys love me and mum...

.

The sadness never leaves

: ' (

Had to go to this stupid meeting thing today.
It was basically a 'your reports are good have a couple of cookies' thing.
The only reason I get a good report is because I'm too scared to talk in all but 3 classes.
And it was horrible!
Cookies!
I couldn't refuse them and we had to eat them there...
I've had so much today, I'm so fat, I hate it.
And I've been surrounded by eating people all day, I hate it.
I can't believe how much I've had today......

Ugh... Oldness... Decisions... Impossible
Been given the A-Level book, have to decide what to do with life...
How on earth am I meant to decide?
16 subjects to choose from... 4 subjects to do...
Not sure how to choose, don't know what I want to do...
Same grades all round... Hate/Like all subjects the same...
IDIOT!

I wander if I should give up, not do A-Levels, not go to uni and just be a loser.
That would be easy... That would suit me fine....

I've been googling how to be beautiful and the likes a lot today. The result:

• Be thin
• Nice hair
• Good skin
• Natural but pretty make-up
• Amazing personality
• Good hygeine

I can do one of those... My hygeine is good... Although most people say obbsessivly good so I guess that's not attractive either. I really want to look good... Even when I try hard I can't do it... I'm no good at beauty stuff so I look a mess ALL the time

I know about being beautiful on the inside and all...

I hate being ugly.
I hate not having the option of being pretty.
Went to the hairdressers today, even then I look a mess.
I want to be attractive, have people look at me and not be like you're ugly or, when was the last time you actually looked nice?
I'd love to have a nice face and hair that shines and looks good.
Nobody likes an ugly person and how can you take someone that looks like Kate Bush seriously?
Wish I was like C. C's beautiful and doesn't have to...