Triggering: My Story (Poem on depression, bullying, self-harm, suicide etc.)

[Breathe~me]

The poem is below and it's kinda biography style. I wanted to share some of my story but in a way that was more easy for me to express so I used poetry somewhat. Sorry for the length. And I have a part 2 that is also shorter but I don't know if I should share it so this is what I have for now





Dear Anonymous,
My name is Janine,
And I'm seventeen,
-I didn't know who to tell this to but I need someone to know-
The first time I remember feeling like this, I was little but it didn't take long to pass,
I was a little kid- fun-loving, full of spirit, happy and played in sandpits, dirt and grass,
I wasn't always your typical girlie-girl even at a young age who played with her barbies frequently and was afraid to get her beautifully constructed dresses dirty,
I shouldn't have to worry much about my appearance or aging until I'm at least thirty,
But that's not the point,
My parents regularly fought; stupid arguments about how each one of them didn't approve of how the other would occasionally smoke a joint,
Occasionally or regularly- I was too young to really know,
Majority of the time I would go to sleep with tears in my eyes, thinking "don't mummy and daddy love each-other?"; I thought just as I developed and grew that my parents' love would ultimately grow,
I was just a confused, worried, clueless child,
Nothing they did though was drastic or wild,
I remember feeling secluded and scared, I tried to hide so I wouldn't feel scared; but that doesn't matter at all now,
I remember my mum threatening to leave him, divorce him so many times and even threatened to alert social services because of the "jokes" he left on my brother's skin- but obviously there was no call,
It wasn't just my brother either- it was me as well,
I was repeatedly hit on my hips, arms and back and my home was defined as a new perception- hell,
I was "punished" for the most basic of things; if I didn't do a task right or didn't understand the instructions- I received an invite to hurt,
My sense of vulnerability and feelings of not being good enough, being trapped- You can not change these feelings into happiness in an attempt to convert,
By the time I started high school I thought "Hooray! This is my new start."
I had little friends and limited interactions and the first guy I'd ever thought I really had a chance with broke my heart,
It's not like that didn't hurt either- but it hurt on the inside more than the outside- unlike what I was so use to experiencing in my home life,
As little as it would be seen as from other peoples' perspectives, "ewww she's so ugly, I would never go out with her" still broke my heart and my self-esteem fell,
The small friendship group I had in the 8th grade turned against me and I became the target of bullying and both verbal abuse and physical abuse at school- I was living two different kinds of hell,
I was fourteen when things became too much,
My best friend from primary school sent me a friend request on Facebook which I thought meant that he wanted to keep in touch,
He went to a different school- he traveled to a school a few towns away and loved it there,
His respect and value for me didn't take long to change and he made me change my views on the memories I held close to my heart and saw as my own version of heaven- that we used to share,
My inbox flooded with messages, "fuck you slut", "I'll kill you and your brother", "I'll rape you c*nt",
Trying to find myself a reason why he suddenly began to hate on me was a lot like a treasure-less treasure hunt,
I tried to ignore the taunts and sent him a message back asking why he hated me,
He told me he only hung out with me because he was bored- I still do not understand how this could be ...,
So I lost my old best friend but life must go on,
It didn't take long for me to become socially withdrawn,
Neither did it take long for me to be wishing that I'd never had been born,
I confided in the schools' guidance officer and told her I wanted to die and I knew how to do it,
I told her I received verbal abuse at home but kept the physical stuff private and told her about the bullying- she ended up making a call,
When I got home I was yelled at and called stupid- in a situation like this there was nothing I could do but feel small,
My dad told me not to see her anymore, he told me it was because they'd take me away,
Too be honest at that moment in time I really wish someone had- but since I was still a child he was still the one I had to obey,
I started a new stage in my life- right after diagnosis and medication,
Anti-depressants, no therapy and sedation,
Supposedly I was on a road to recovery- I didn't see it that way and I still don't see that now,
Fourteen years old and I was diagnosed with Severe Depression,
When I started seeing David (the mental health nurse) I dreaded each session,
Majority of the things I told him contained the verbal abuse at home and the verbal and physical abuse at school- I still kept some things private,
I didn't get much out of the so called support he provided,
He took liking to my dad and most of the time he thought my views were wrong- the excuse - because my dad can- he will,
Soon after I was diagnosed; I started cutting and things started to go drastically down-hill,
I lost every one of my friends since they labelled me an "emo", "drama queen" and an "attention seeker"and they made jokes about the cutting,
My doors to social interaction were shutting,
Word soon got around that I was depressed- people saw that as an opportunity to bring me down rather than build me up,
School virtually became hell in a close-up,
"Go kill yourself", "emo", "do you cut yourself", "can I see your wrists", "freak", "ewww what the fuck is wrong with you",
I felt so horrible and worthless and I felt like I was the only one that really knew,
So I confided in another person about everything except home life- my parents were immediately informed and the same hell happened again,
At that point in time my only wish was for my life to end,
I showed up to school everyday with tears in my eyes, ear phones in my ears, a hoody on my head and maintaining as little eye contact with people as I possibly could,
My grades plummeted and not many people knew my situation or truly understood,
-Actually no one did,
Later in the year boys started harassing, threatening and touching me inappropriately- I was just that depressed, vulnerable, fragile kid,
They told me horrible things that left me disgusted and scared- about what they'd do to my body if I was left alone with them,
They made threats of gang-rape, fisting and insertion of objects, their words scared me but it wasn't something I could condemn,
A little later in the year, one of my old friends decided something new,
Along with her regularity of pushing me over on cement, tripping me over, pushing me into poles and walls- she asked her ex to hit me - her hatred for me obviously grew,
He did and I alerted the deputy principal; he responded telling me he's seen worse and that it's nothing,
I sustained only a bleeding gash on the inside of my lip- it was clear that high school wasn't something I was adjusting to,
At the end of the year while on medication, I finally couldn't handle other peoples' taunts,
My depression was getting worse,
My life was anything but easy,
I punched one of the girls who threatened me with death, the same one pushing me into walls- my life was still un-easy,
I ended up getting suspended from school and going to a police interview and her charges against me were dropped,
After frequent complaints about the bullying and threats to the police, school district and school- nobody was stopped,
Tenth grade came and I was anything but smiling,
My death wish was a priority and the methods- I was compiling,
My first suicide attempt was anything but peaceful and bliss,
I was sent to hospital in an ambulance and nothing good came from this,
My mum obviously was angry at me and my dad made jokes of it- I'm an attention seeker, cry baby, I need to toughen up- I've heard it all,
But reality is I'm no titanium, no silver, no diamond when confronted with a brick wall,
I remember after that a really nice lady who came to my house to visit me and made sure everything at home was okay,
Although I did tell her the truth, the things she wanted to know- I couldn't say,
Boys still were horrible to me in grade ten, I couldn't stop them though,
The rest of the year I experienced meeting sadness and similar feelings of hopelessness and despair I was yet to know,
Grade 11 came fast,
I was still getting bullied but not hit as much at home and treated better by boys but the depression still hadn't passed,
I focused on my graded and planned for my future,
The year resumed as normal for me- like most kids in my year,
However I did try and stop cutting, I did relapse though and I did still have one fear,
The fear that everyone would leave me,
I experimented with overdosing on painkillers- I didn't know if life could get any better or any worse- I just wanted to see,
The most prominent overdose was later in the year- a total of eighteen and several tears,
I sat in biology class at that time, feeling disorientated and light headed and I remember the thoughts I had at that time, "I'm hurting inside literally and nobody hears
The first two people I told- neither one of them cared,
The one thing-the one person- myself- I was the one making me scared,
I'm now seventeen,I'm still depressed and living in a world I don't quite understand,
And I'm just hoping the future is something I can withstand.

[Ennui.]

I think you should share part two!