help

[PlutoTheOpposum]

TW (s*icide)

Things have just been getting worsse and worse. First it was me relapsing, then it was my older sister venting to me and me not knowing how to help, then it was my older sister telling me my parents have been fighting more, and THEN it was all the arguments me and my parents have gotten into, to name a few.

My parents are going to take me out of a school I really wanted to go to, and my little sister is going to be sharing a room with me. I'm dreading it. I'm basically never going to be alone "until" I'm 18.

"Oh you're only 13 you dont know any real struggles"
"others have it worse"
"stop acting out"

Along with that, my parents just left my meds out in the open within my reach. It feels like they're testing me. Like they don't think I have the balls to do it. They won't believe me until it's too late.

I almost did it last night, and the only reason I didn't do it was because 1) my mom was still up, and 2) I was too tired to get up at 4 (when I assumed my parents would be asleep)

I genuinely don't know if I'll make it past 15. I always say that I wanna go to college and get a good job, but the truth is I don't even know if I'm going to survive past highschool. This feeling is so recurring, it's like an impulse.

I don't want to end up in the hospital again, because then everybody's just going to talk crap about me again. Like how I'm doing all this for attention. How I'm faking this. But nobody in real life knows how close I've been.

I don't know what to do.
Something's wrong with me I feel beyond just regular depression.
It's just like a parasite, a voice telling me what to do. And the worst part is is that I don't know if I want to get rid of it.
I just wish I hadn't told my therapist I feel sad all the time because the truth is, I'm really bad at telling my emotions. I'm mad, frustrated, tired, (dont know the word forthis but just kinda there), weirdly happy for short periods of time, and sometimes sad. It's mostly frustrated and tired.


maybe this is just puberty. just "hormones bouncing around in my little brain". Just me being overdramatic. But I don't know how to get it through my parents' heads that i'm not faking this.

thanks for reading..if you have any advice please let me know.

[Ennui.]

I don't think that you're being overdramatic at all, and it's not fair that your parents are telling you that just because you're thirteen that you don't have "real" problems. Mental illness such as depression can strike at any age, and this is also not the "pain olympics." Just because someone else is struggling, doesn't mean your problems are any less valid than theirs. I don't think that you're doing this for attention at all. I started struggling with more than just my lifelong anxiety at around the age you are now.
I know that you don't want to go to the hospital again, but if you're this close to suicide, maybe it's the best place to be. They can help stabilize you, whether that's with group therapy or getting you on the right medication to make sure that things are more manageable. I know when I was in the hospital I was afraid of what people would say, too, but it helped me to get away from the situations that were stressing me out until I could handle them a bit better. If anyone outside your household asks, you can just say you were away for personal reasons. If anyone in your house says something I'd say that this topic is off limits until they are better able to communicate with you.
Plus, if you tell your parents they may not leave your medications out like that anymore. I bet that they don't want you to die and would be devastated if something happened to you, and so would your sisters. Perhaps you can suggest a lock box, where they only give you access to the medications that you need for the day.
It's good that you see a therapist, even though you wish you didn't tell them that you feel sad all the time. Perhaps you can write them a letter or email where you explain some of the things you explained here in this post. For example, you can state how you are worried that people will think you're doing this for attention because you are young, and that you think people will say that you don't have any real struggles. You can also point out that you're bad at telling your emotions and explain the feelings that you explained here (you did a good job!). At least that way, you will have everything out.
Do you think that your therapist could be a resource for telling your parents how serious things are? I know that when I've been in a bad place in the past, my therapist would sit down with both my mom and me and explain some of the things I'm going through and why it is important to take those things seriously. It can help to take some of the pressure off of you if you have the therapist talk to them. The therapist is a professional, so they may have training in how to talk to parents about situations like this in a way that don't raise their defensiveness or cause an argument. It may also be more "believable" to them coming from a person of authority (although they should believe you as well!).
Don't go through this alone. There are people who love you and care about you, and would hate to have anything happen to you. I know that we care here on TeenHelp.
You can do this!