Cutting off old ties

Jonathon75 · 11:26 PM

I haven't used this site in years, but I'm really in a situation where I need someone to help, and I have no one to talk to but a psychologist.
To start it off, I'm not very attractive at all. I'm not skinny, I'm not overweight, my mother calls me the most handsome boy out there, but I know better than that. Most people around me say I have a nice sense of humor, and to quote, even some say I make the situation suddenly bright and funny; one jokester (the kind who just say jokes all the time) said that she "needs to learn my kind of joking," as I "know when and how to say it at just the right time." Of course, in my past it was all stupid sexual jokes and such done all the time, but it's different now.

But back to the main point, my problem starts in in roughly 7th grade. I was a major bootlicker, but for some reason, one girl, caught my attention in 6th grade. I thought about it little, and moved on with my life quickly thereafter, back to following that one kid and spouting nonsense everywhere.
This girl, we'll call her Sarah (i dont actually know anyone named that), is, not as a result of my own thoughts, but actually due to common opinion of people I asked, ugly. Of course, I don't think she's ugly, but everyone I know thinks she is. Completely uninteresting. Even my mother says she "just isn't cute". She's very pale, rather short, and with a very interesting face, one that caught me for sure. But where she lacks in looks, she has a very interesting personality. She's utterly dedicated to her studies, and gets all A's, preferring to jump right into getting all assignments done perfectly as soon as they're assigned. Yet despite this, Sarah finds time to play games, say (sometimes) funny jokes, and jest around. Me and her share quite alot, for example, she's the only one in the entire school who knows Mass Effect lore thoroughly.
Anyway, a little background on the environment; I'm in a private school. A very, VERY small, private school. To put it into perspective, theres 3 kids in my french class, and 6 in my entire current freshman class. So word gets around fast, and, there aren't very many options, and the few times that relationships ARE involved, everyone knows about it instantly.
So 8th grade comes along, and I jump right into it. A girl that had been in my class for a long time, Gia (I don't care if she reads this.), I start to show favor to, sitting close to her, joking around alot and complimenting her the most. Of course I was naive, had no idea what I was doing. To cut it short, she and the whole class were luring me along and laughing at me as she let me down, but I got over it closely. I told my close friend, Kenton, that I would wait for 9th grade or do a.. 'backup plan'. Sarah.
I awkwardly attempted to converse with her often, finding much in common and trying my hardest not to screw up. Eventually, I got her phone number (the equivalent, atleast, in her ipad), and started texting with her. The first time I did, we texted all night long; she even sent videos of herself showing off her hobbies and accomplishments in person. I thought I had her for sure, but as soon as that started happening, she began ignoring my texts. The few times she DID answer we did text all night long. Regardless, I was too deep in a crush by that time to pull out, absolutely mesmerized. Even when she hinted at times that she didn't want a boyfriend or a relationship. Quite obviously.Yet I stuck with it, and even eventually asked her out. She lied to me (I have proof) saying that her parents wouldn't allow it, me having asked her over to my house to watch movies and such. (Looking back, I don't blame them. Dating at 8th grade is pretty early) I was devastated, but didn't give up. It got ever more awkward, and it began lessening to a point where some days she would show me attention and others she would outright ignore me. I would even get angry and jealous at friends who would talk at all with her, and I obsessed over her. There were great times, there were bad times, there were depressing times in this period, but I was stressed and pressured all the time anyway. And the best part; only I knew about this shenanigan. To put it in a time perspective, I tried to court Gia in 1st quarter and Sarah in 2nd quarter. I was really confused during my time with her. One night we'd be playing DayZ all night long, another texting and discussing world issues, but then the next day she'd ignore me utterly at school or disregard my texts (I know she read them, it said that she did). I finally got smart and tried to abandon her in 3rd quarter and 4th quarter of the year, and ended up falling into the worst depression I've had for years. Which luckily, wasn't as bad at all. Mostly just moping in the corner and listening to music all the time. Trying to ignore Sarah as much as possible.
Then summer happened, and I actually had hope that I'd get over her. The stress began to dissipate; I started to be happy for the first time in years. I knew I would be done with girls for good until college. I removed her from Steam, cut off all contact, deleted pictures, deleted text conversations, etc.
I entered 9th grade that year with a smile on my face... but the feelings returned soon thereafter. Sarah, had grown breasts. Also, I forgot to mention, but all during 8th and 7th grade Sarah suffered from lingering effects of of self starvation, and thus wore a very heavy coat. All year long. During gym. To see Sarah without her coat on was a surprising sight indeed. In 9th grade, she stopped wearing that coat. She started wearing shirts that showed off her new cleavage, tight pants that showed off her bottom, and that caught my attention. I stared at her goods (I atleast tried to hide it), but we never talked. Ever. It was simple awkwardness and ignoring when we were around one another. A special camp trip was coming up; Manito-wish. The school had been doing it for years, it was a trip where all the classes in highschool except the seniors would go on a trip to Manito-wish, a camp in Wisconsin (We're on the border between Iowa and Illinois in an uninteresting place called the Quad Cities), and of course I didn't want to go, but I went anyway. It was to be a trip of 'leadership and friendship building', but it only caused me mass amounts of dread, being around Sarah.
The day I left on the camp trip, oh the irony, was my birthday. Seeing Sarah in such a revealing outfit left me with things to think about when going to bed that night; I ended up having a dream. It started off erotic; she would walk up to me showing off her breasts, even having a nipple slip. We would quickly excuse ourselves and go into the bathroom, where we had intercourse (One of the reasons I lost interest in girls was because I found the beauty of masturbation, but thats a story for another time), but a student walked in and saw us. Then a teacher. Sarah had all her academic awards stripped, completely embarrassed, and rejected by all friends and family. The dream ended before I talked to her again after the event in it.
That whole morning the next day I had a nervous breakdown. I couldn't eat. I barely spoke, and I had the largest sense of dread in my gullet. It dissipated (for the most part) by noon, but I remained silent for the most part for the rest of the day, barely handling seeing her.
The next day, I adopted an attitude of hate. I decided I would make her appear as bad as possible, oppose her whenever possible, and get into arguments often. It didn't help much at all besides make her hate me even more. In fact, at lunch one day, we were playing 20 questions, and I was legitimately trying to be nice to her and kept asking questions, but she left the last one unanswered and ignored me. I didn't bother to repeat myself twice.
By this point, I knew it was impossible to get her back, and ever more impossible to even become friends without time. I abandoned the whole "HATE SARAH!!!!" attitude, and decided to just ignore her and be alone. So far it has worked, and its slowly getting better. The most eery part, though, was on the last night of the camping trip, where we all circled about in a room lit only by a fire, and were asked revealing questions. We were to remain silent and internalize everything. When asked to complete the sentence, "Once, just once, I wish...", she said, "I wish he would look at himself for once." It touched me. It may not have been directed towards me, or maybe it was. I still thought about it. Since then I've came home and have gone to one day of school since. It gets slowly better, and I'm not hopeful about getting a relationship with her anymore.
But I need closure. I need her out of my life. Besides, some cute Russian girls are coming onto me as of recent and I need a clear head.
I don't have many friends at all. Never have I ever had a friend who even got close into my personal life. I've always been a bootlicker, a jester changing his personality often, finding new 'father figures' (I have not seen my wouldbe father ever, nor do I want to) and people to look up to. I've never been one person directly through it all, and its really taking its toll. All of my real friends are from the internet, and even then do I rarely find those who will talk to me about my problems.
So I come to you all, for help, for guidance.
I need to forget about this girl. Please, ask for any more details you may need, but if this is removed from me, I can truly move on and improve myself.

dr2005 · **Re: Cutting off old ties -** September 9th 2014, 09:33 PM

First off, I think you deserve a bit of credit for being quite honest about your situation and how things got to where they have. It's not the easiest of things to talk about when you've had knock-backs like you have, so fair play to you for giving a comprehensive account of your experience.

With that being said, what I'm going to say probably isn't what you're expecting to hear but I think it's worth bearing in mind anyway. It's this: I think you need to take a step back and have a proper think about what you're planning to do and what you expect to get out of it. I understand all too well why you would feel this is the best approach to take, as it sounds like you've gone through a fair amount of pain (or at least turmoil) over Sarah and to a lesser extent what happened with Gia beforehand as well. However, in light of the fact that before you made a move towards a relationship you and Sarah got on very well by the sounds of it, I would question whether cutting her out of your life completely is the best approach. Given that you mentioned that she is very focused on her studies and doing the best she can with that, and also having issues of her own outside of class regarding her body, it could very well be the case that she just isn't ready for a relationship and that you hinting at wanting one may have scared her off. People seldom start avoiding each other without there being a reason behind it, particularly in such circumstances. Outside of you pursuing her for the purposes of a relationship, it sounds like the two of you have a lot of common ground. Is that in itself not worth holding on to, even if for now it is only in terms of friendship? You still have a few more years in school, and it isn't beyond the realms of possibility that in that time you could rebuild your friendship, and from that something more may happen. Or it may not - who can say? But given what you said about finding it difficult to have friends, or certainly close ones, you need to be sure that getting rid of someone who could potentially be a good friend if nothing else is the way forward. As things stand, you still have other options so think carefully.

Aside from that, I would say the main thing in your situation is to look after yourself and make sure you're not putting yourself in a position to get burned again with the Russian girls you mention. In light of what has happened with both Gia and Sarah, I would recommend that you make sure you understand their intentions and that they are genuinely interested in you and don't rush into anything. In particular, I would suggest you be entirely honest with yourself and be sure that getting into a dating/relationship situation is one you are entirely comfortable with - and I say that because, in the nicest possible way, it does sound like these things affect you to a greater extent than might normally be the case. I don't presume to know what is going on in your life beyond what you posted, nor about your wellbeing at this moment in time, but that is what comes across so again I would stress looking after yourself first. At the risk of sounding like a patronising old fart well beyond my 26 years, you are still young and there will be plenty of opportunities to date girls and have girlfriends without feeling like you need to be in a relationship - which, in some respects, is how it comes across at the moment. I can appreciate that, having been single throughout high school while others were dating, but you should want to be dating that person because it's that person rather than as a "backup plan" or similar.

Sorry if that isn't quite the reply you were looking for, but hopefully what I've said makes sense. If you'd like to discuss things further, please feel free to send me a PM and I'll do my best to help.

Jonathon75 · **Re: Cutting off old ties -** September 10th 2014, 03:56 PM

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