Triggering (SH): I need help with telling someone about my self harm issues

[FizzleDizzle11]

Firstly, hi! I'm new to this website.i labelled this as triggering due to mentioning self harm and briefly suicide, however I don't describe anything or go into details.
I'm hoping to get help with telling someone close to me that I self harm.
The person I'm wanting to tell is my boyfriend, who I've been in this relationship with for about 1 and a half months. However we have been best friends for a couple of years, especially during last year, before this new relationship started and are really close. I trust him as best as I can (however I sometimes have trust issues with everyone and doubt what people tell me).
I have anxiety and depression. He knows very briefly about my anxiety, however I do plan to tell him more about my issues as he needs to know. I was diagnosed in 2015, and I started self harming 1 or 2 years before that. It's been a way that I deal with emotional stress and other things when my mental issues get too much. A lot of other things have played a big part in it, but I have been getting a lot better since around the middle of 2016 and have been harming myself less often and less severely.
However there are still visible scars and I'm afraid that he may have seen some of the ones that are still most obvious. Being friends with him for a few years, I'd assume he may have noticed something but never brought it up. And I want to tell him because I believe he needs to know. But I've never told anyone about these issues aside from anonymous people online or in apps.
I'm most hesitant because I don't want him to get hurt. I've had two of my other closest friends go through self harm and talk about suicide, and this went on for a while and I saw and heard things from them that I wish I never had. It really hurt me and made my own issues worse and for a long time I was living with constant fear of never seeing them again. I still sometimes have bad thoughts and panic attacks or nightmares about it. I don't want to tell them that because I know that they come to me for support and I'm afraid that if they know then it'll stop them from talking to me about their issues. But I really know that I want to and need to tell my boyfriend, I just don't want him to get hurt like I have.
I know that I'm getting better and I'd tell him that. I haven't been truly suicidal in a long time and I have been recovering. But I still carry these scars and memories with me and have never been open about them to someone that I know in person. We do truly care about each other, which is good, however makes him more likely to get hurt if I tell him.

Maybe someone if you have been in a similar situation as I am, or maybe you're the one who was told by your boyfriend/girlfriend about their self harm, would you be able to offer some advice? I feel like he'd be understanding and caring about it, but I'm afraid of him being hurt by knowing that I have done these things to myself.
I also want to tell him in person, but I know that that will be extremely difficult for me so I might bring it up in text and then talk about it more next time I see him in person. Is this a good idea?

Thanks.

[Ennui.]

Hey there!

I want to start off by welcoming you to the site and also saying that you should be proud of all of the progress you have made with things like your self harm and suicidal thoughts, and also because you want to tell your boyfriend. I think that he will be a great source of support for you. I also don't think it'll necessarily hurt him, as this is something that you two can work through together so you both can be on the same page, and so he can get to a place where he understands what you're going through.

I'd say that it's okay to maybe ask him to talk through text. Maybe you can let him know something along the lines of you are safe and okay, but you do have something you want to talk to him about next time you see him. I would definitely mention that you are safe and everything is okay (as long as it truthfully is okay), because I know that for me, if I get a text just saying "Can we talk?" it can make me a bit nervous. You can also mention that it has something to do with your mental health, but that you are not struggling at this moment.

I think the thing with texting him first is that way you will have less of a chance to be able to back out, because he'll already know something is up. So if you're afraid that you won't actually go through with it, texting may be a good way to go.

You can maybe start out by bringing up the fact that he knows about your anxiety already. You can say something along the lines of you feel as if he needs to know that one of the ways that you have coped with this anxiety and depression is through self harm. Perhaps you can explain a little bit about why you have used self harm as a coping mechanism and what it does for you, as sometimes people do not know why someone would harm themselves. I would definitely also mention all the progress you have been making, because that may reassure him too.

You can mention that you didn't want to hurt him, but you wanted him to know from you before he finds out in any other way, such as by seeing scars or just by accident. You can let him know you trust him, and if you feel comfortable with doing so, perhaps you can let him know that he can ask you any questions he may have so he can get to a place where he understands a bit more about what is going on.

If you think there is anything you will need from him to help you, I would also mention that so he knows what he can do to help when things get rough.

I hope this has helped, and I wish you the best of luck!

-Dez

[FizzleDizzle11]

Originally Posted by Anhedonia.

Hey there!

I want to start off by welcoming you to the site and also saying that you should be proud of all of the progress you have made with things like your self harm and suicidal thoughts, and also because you want to tell your boyfriend. I think that he will be a great source of support for you. I also don't think it'll necessarily hurt him, as this is something that you two can work through together so you both can be on the same page, and so he can get to a place where he understands what you're going through.

I'd say that it's okay to maybe ask him to talk through text. Maybe you can let him know something along the lines of you are safe and okay, but you do have something you want to talk to him about next time you see him. I would definitely mention that you are safe and everything is okay (as long as it truthfully is okay), because I know that for me, if I get a text just saying "Can we talk?" it can make me a bit nervous. You can also mention that it has something to do with your mental health, but that you are not struggling at this moment.

I think the thing with texting him first is that way you will have less of a chance to be able to back out, because he'll already know something is up. So if you're afraid that you won't actually go through with it, texting may be a good way to go.

You can maybe start out by bringing up the fact that he knows about your anxiety already. You can say something along the lines of you feel as if he needs to know that one of the ways that you have coped with this anxiety and depression is through self harm. Perhaps you can explain a little bit about why you have used self harm as a coping mechanism and what it does for you, as sometimes people do not know why someone would harm themselves. I would definitely also mention all the progress you have been making, because that may reassure him too.

You can mention that you didn't want to hurt him, but you wanted him to know from you before he finds out in any other way, such as by seeing scars or just by accident. You can let him know you trust him, and if you feel comfortable with doing so, perhaps you can let him know that he can ask you any questions he may have so he can get to a place where he understands a bit more about what is going on.

If you think there is anything you will need from him to help you, I would also mention that so he knows what he can do to help when things get rough.

I hope this has helped, and I wish you the best of luck!

-Dez

Thank you. I am proud of the progress that I have made, it's definitely nice to see improvement in myself and my actions.
I do think that what you've mentioned will help me with telling him. You mentioned a couple of things that I haven't properly thought about yet so that will help me in this situation.

I do agree with what you mentioned about saying it in text first so I have less of a chance to back out. That's actually one of the main reasons why I thought about mentioning it through text.

Thanks for the advice, I'll be sure to keep it in mind.

[del677]

First of all congratulations on having a boyfriend!

I think anyone you tell their first thought would be, "How can I help? What should I do." They may need some coaching on this, which you can give him.

People who don't understand will find it strange that someone would cut themselves, and even stranger when told it actually feels good.

Tell him what you want him to do. (It's basically training your boyfriend, which all women have to do.)

If you go into a depression, what would you like him to do about it? What makes you feel better?

For me, I just want someone to be there with me. They don't try to fix me, they know just being there is the fix. If I want to talk, they listen. They don't try to fix my problems, they know the listening itself is the fix.

Sometimes I want a distraction. Take me to a movie, watch a TV show with me, hug me, hold me, distract me with sex, understand for me it's a waiting game as I wait for the doctor to find a med that works for me and fixes my depression.

I've trained my partner what to do. (It's also possible this actually deepens our relationship. People like helping people. It can invoke deep feelings of love and caring and affection.)

Best wishes hope you feel better soon.

[FizzleDizzle11]

Originally Posted by del677

First of all congratulations on having a boyfriend!

I think anyone you tell their first thought would be, "How can I help? What should I do." They may need some coaching on this, which you can give him.

People who don't understand will find it strange that someone would cut themselves, and even stranger when told it actually feels good.

Tell him what you want him to do. (It's basically training your boyfriend, which all women have to do.)

If you go into a depression, what would you like him to do about it? What makes you feel better?

For me, I just want someone to be there with me. They don't try to fix me, they know just being there is the fix. If I want to talk, they listen. They don't try to fix my problems, they know the listening itself is the fix.

Sometimes I want a distraction. Take me to a movie, watch a TV show with me, hug me, hold me, distract me with sex, understand for me it's a waiting game as I wait for the doctor to find a med that works for me and fixes my depression.

I've trained my partner what to do. (It's also possible this actually deepens our relationship. People like helping people. It can invoke deep feelings of love and caring and affection.)

Best wishes hope you feel better soon.

Thank you!
I'll keep this all in mind.