Triggering (Abuse): How can I move on?

[Ragamuffin]

EDIT - I meant to post this in the rape and abuse forum. If someone could move it for me, that would be much appreciated.

I’ve been very reluctant to share my experience and I’m still not sure if I’m ready but I need to let this out somewhere.

In October 2019, I (19 at the time) got into a relationship with a coworker (32m). Right from the start, it didn’t really feel right. He would try and pressure me into letting him perform sexual acts on me, and would guilt trip me if I said no. I eventually relented because he made me believe it was what loving couples were supposed to do, though not really enjoyable and I felt very uncomfortable doing it. I found out about a month into the relationship that he already had a girlfriend who was having his baby, and that I was only his side piece. I confronted him about it and he denied it. I was too scared to end the relationship for a while, as he could get quite nasty and I had also found out he had a history of violence towards an ex girlfriend. However, I eventually plucked up the courage to break up with him in January 2020. I tried to end it as amicably as possible because I still had to see him every day at work, but I ended up leaving that job at the end of summer. I moved away and cut all contact with him.

I’ve tried my best to try and move on but it still affects me 4 years later and it can be really hard to deal with. I don’t really have anyone I can speak to about this. My parents sort of know but I’m too embarrassed to go into too much detail and they don’t really know how much it affects me. It had an impact on my relationships and I’m not sure if I’ll ever be in a happy, healthy relationship because it is so hard to trust anyone. I feel so angry because he never received any comeuppance for his actions, while I have to live with the gross things he did to me every day.

[Ennui.]

I moved the thread over to Rape & Abuse for you.

I'm sorry that you went through this. Remember that nothing that happened was your fault. Guilt tripping you into allowing him to do sexual acts is not consent, and it's also awful that he had a girlfriend already. It was very courageous of you to end the relationship with him like you did, and it's great that you have cut contact with him. He's out of your life and can't harm you anymore.

I can understand why you would have issues trusting people going forward. I'm not saying that you have to tell every future partner what you went through, because that wouldn't necessarily be a good idea, but maybe if there's a partner that things are moving in the right direction with, you can communicate with them about things. You can just say that you had something happen in your past that makes it harder for you to trust people. Ask them if you can take your time with them if needed and only move at a pace you feel comfortable with. Keep the lines of communication open in any relationship you do enter, because the more honest you are both with each other, the better you'll be able to build up trust. The right partner will understand that this is a process. Maybe if you are ever with someone in the future you can make a note of the "green flags" that you see within the relationship and make sure the green heavily outweighs any negatives.

I'm hoping other people can come in and speak more to the moving on side of things, but perhaps you can find ways to express yourself in a healthy way? For example do you like art, writing, signing, or dancing? Those are ways you can get out some of your emotions. You don't have to directly mention what happened by name in whatever creative piece you do. It can be abstract, or it can take the form of something else entirely. Also find ways to distract yourself if negative thoughts come up.

I hope things start looking up for you.

Take care,
Dez

[Ambedo.]

Hey Scout,

I'm so sorry to hear that you went through all of this. I'm incredibly proud of you for finding the courage to end the relationship and I hope you're proud of yourself for that too.

I want to take a moment to remind you that nothing that happened in the relationship was your fault. Unfortunately, abusers have a way of gaslighting us (even if they never do it out loud) into thinking that we were somehow the cause of the way they treated us or that we should have done something differently to stop it. If you ever catch yourself having thoughts along those lines, please give yourself grace. Take a moment to remind yourself that guilt tripping you into sexual acts, making you his side piece, and being unkind to you are all flaws in HIS character. They are not a reflection of you at all. You simply did what you had to do to get through the situation until you could leave. That, in and of itself, is an incredibly brave act.

I'm going to share a piece of my own story in the hopes that it will help you in some capacity. I've been sexually assaulted multiple times in my life - I was 18 the first time it happened. When I was 19, I got into a relationship with a woman who turned out to be incredibly abusive...and I stayed in that relationship for 3 years because I couldn't see a way out. I'm 29 now and, although those things still sting if I let myself think about them for too long, I have found that I am starting to move on. It isn't easy, but it is possible. Knowing that I've had similar experiences, I hope you're able to find something useful to pull from the rest of this.

It's completely understandable that you're having a hard time trusting people and question whether or not you'll be able to have a healthy relationship in the future. What you went through was traumatic and events like that can definitely have a negative impact on the way we view others, whether or not they've given us a reason to see them that way. One of the best things about healing (in my opinion) is the fact that there is no set timeline for it. Try to avoid putting any pressure on yourself to be "over it" by a certain point in your life. It's okay to start with small things, such as trusting a friend or family member enough to open up about something else going on in your life or starting a conversation with someone new. As you allow yourself to start engaging in new experiences, you may find yourself starting to trust again little by little. Again, there is no set timeline for this to happen, so don't try to push yourself farther than you're ready to go. Every success is a victory.

In terms of moving on, there are a few things I'd like to suggest. The first is to let yourself feel your feelings, regardless of what they are. With that, find an outlet that is helpful for you whenever you are experiencing negative emotions. For instance, you might scream into a pillow when you're feeling angry or give yourself a self-care night when you're feeling sad. If there are people in your life that you feel comfortable enough reaching out to in those moments, do that! You don't have to tell them anything more than what you're comfortable with. You can even keep it as simple as "Hey, I'm having a hard time right now. I don't want tor talk about what's bothering me, but I would really appreciate some company/a distraction". Having people in your corner, whether they know the whole story or not, can be incredibly helpful. I'd also recommend taking some time to find yourself again. In the aftermath of abusive relationships, people can experience the feeling that they don't know who they are anymore or that the old version of themselves doesn't seem to "fit" anymore. If you're experiencing that, allow yourself the freedom to learn who the new version of Scout is and engage in activities to allow that person to flourish. Even if you're not having that experience, reminding yourself of the things that previously brought you joy and make you who you are can be so healing, as it reminds you of the good things in life.

In an effort not to make this response too long, I just want to remind you that you are incredibly strong. Healing takes time, but it WILL happen for you. We're all here to support you along the way, as well.

Please feel free to shoot me a PM if you'd like to talk about this further or if you feel that talking about our shared experiences will be helpful for you.

Take care,
Sam