Something is Really Wrong with Me

[Ballsack]

I never had a proper diagnosis and I'm not sure if I'll ever be able to get one, but to me it's really obvious that I have depression and social anxiety. Part of this is probably from dysphoria so I'm not too worried about that because something in me tells me that I will transition and that will ease my dysphoria.

But recently I realised that I probably have executive dysfunction? I read a bit and it's probably because of the depression but to me it feels more intense than what online descriptions say. Like for example, I'd rather genuinely harm myself than doing a homework even though once I finally did it it would only take about 30 minutes of my time. I really want to say it's probably me being dramatic but it really affects my life.

I've been better lately and I want to be better but this thing is literally blocking the way. It's kind of distressing because at times it really does feel like I'm being stopped physically from doing a simple task. Like yeah maybe signing up for that scholarship isn't exactly pleasant but for some reason my mind equates that "not really pleasant" is the same as "life threatening situation".

I hope someone knows what this is exactly so I could learn more about it and hopefully find a way to get through it because I have goals and I don't want to be stopped.

[Ballsack]

This probably happens because in my most formative years, I think that was when I was 9 through 15, I just assumed I'm going to get kicked out when my parents found out I'm trans. And because I already assumed that, every waking moment feels terrifying because I always thought "is this the day?". I even attempted to find people that would allow me to crash at their place, and sad thing is until now I couldn't find anyone. All in all I was super paranoid.

I'm not sure what happened but when I was 16 it's like all of the sudden they dissappeared. Not completely, some depression and anxiety definitely rise up from time to time, but I know it wasn't as bad as it used to be, and even when it is it's not as frequent so I'm sure I'll be fine. But the odd part is, I couldn't remember much of what happen in those dark years. I, of course, knew the vague outline

but I couldn't remember exact details. Like I know I used to lock myself in my room for days but I couldn't remember if I ever go out to eat or even drink. It's odd and concerning but I accepted that maybe it's for the best that I forgot most of what happens

[Dude111]

Im sorry your having problems and dont feel well.....

I am also very sad..... It is not easy to be happy in the world now


God bless you.....

[Face Up.]

For me, it's anxiety. Of course we are different people and I'm not a doctor, so I can't say that yes, that's what you have. My experience is that I also am "blocked" from doing things. It can even be something simple! My anxiety spirals and I think of all of the worst things that can happen. Of course, NOT doing the thing also means you create a self-fulfilling prophecy. You may or may not get the scholarship if you apply, but you definitely won't get it if you don't even try.

Sometimes I have a friend hold me accountable for things. We do things together while talking on the phone with each other so we know we're not slacking off like if you were texting. Even if we're not talking on the phone though, they ask "have you done the thing?" and of course it's not a great look to deny it haha.

Have you heard of the Finch app? You complete goals and take care of/dress/get pets for a virtual bird! It may sound silly but it actually helps to send my bird on adventures, create rooms for them, and dress them up haha.

[Ballsack]

Originally Posted by Face Up.

For me, it's anxiety. Of course we are different people and I'm not a doctor, so I can't say that yes, that's what you have. My experience is that I also am "blocked" from doing things. It can even be something simple! My anxiety spirals and I think of all of the worst things that can happen. Of course, NOT doing the thing also means you create a self-fulfilling prophecy. You may or may not get the scholarship if you apply, but you definitely won't get it if you don't even try.

Sometimes I have a friend hold me accountable for things. We do things together while talking on the phone with each other so we know we're not slacking off like if you were texting. Even if we're not talking on the phone though, they ask "have you done the thing?" and of course it's not a great look to deny it haha.

Have you heard of the Finch app? You complete goals and take care of/dress/get pets for a virtual bird! It may sound silly but it actually helps to send my bird on adventures, create rooms for them, and dress them up haha.

No, I haven't really heard of that app but I've heard of similar ones! I was never sure if that would work for me but maybe I'll try it. Worst case scenario is that I don't change but it's fine

[Mindfulness.]

Hi there,

I'm sorry to hear what you're going through. Have you spoken to anyone about how you're feeling? Is there someone that you can trust?

I can understand how frustrating and complicated anxiety can make your life as I do suffer from it as well. If there is anyone that you would like to talk to, my inbox is always open.