Slipping back into anorexia..

[Lost_Confused]

I used to be very anorexic, I was so underweight people noticed. But they didn't realize that i was anorexic. I finally made myself eat something every day because when i didn't eat i started feeling sick and weak, and almost passing out. But that was before my appendix burst, so that was probably the reason. (Appendix upset.) I was able to eat after i got it removed, but that was about a year ago. I've noticed in the past few months i've been eating less and less, and now i only eat about a meal a day, maybe a quick snack for lunch if i'm hungry.

But i'm not usually hungry. In the mornings, if i try and eat breakfast, i feel sick and i have to spit it out. During class, i get really hungry, but by the time i get back to the house, i'm not hungry anymore so i don't make myself eat.
I weighed myself a couple weeks ago, and i've lost [Edited] and i'm trying to make myself lose more.

Is there anything i can do to help myself? I keep feeling and thinking i'm so fat, even though people say i'm not at all. My ideal weight is [Edited] unhealthy but i just can't make myself eat anything.

:/

[emma01]

Its probably a good idea to talk to your parents or a counsellor or doctor or anyone who knew that you had previous eating problems. If no one did know you have had an eating disorder, may be a good time to tell someone so they can help you before you slip back into it, because you know all too well how horrible it can be. It is much easier to stop a full-blown relapse than to try and recover again

[Lost_Confused]

The thing is.. i LOVE being underweight. I know it's unhealthy, but I feel actually pretty for once. Sad, i know, but i just have this thing about being over a certain weight, and i don't know how to get past it.

[~CourageousSurvivor~]

Hey there,

It sounds like you are really struggling. I really suggest that you look into getting help for this. From experience the deeper you get into anything ED related the more your self esteem plummets. ED is never satisfied. If you reach out for help, however, you can get to a place where you are truely satisfied with the way you look.

I really think you should sit down and talk to your parents about this and look into finding a counselor. I know those things will be hard to do but it will be really beneficial to your health. The more support you have while dealing with all of this the better it will be.

I really hope this helped and best of luck.

Jenna

[Lost_Confused]

I only have my mom, and she doesn't think that i could ever be depressed, or anorexic, or anything [ quote ] "bad like that". [ /quote ] She's so ignorant, i can't talk to her about anything.
I'm even afraid to tell her i like someone, because he's "not in our church so therefore something's bad about that."
(I've gotten the whole speech where you should go for someone in our church, people "outside" have different views, blahblahfuckingblah.)
.______________.

[jillianjayde]

You like being underweight because it gives you a feeling of power in your life. It seems like you are living in an environment where you feel like you are not allowed to express your feelings to your mother, and believe me, I know how that feels. By holding such tight control of your eating habits, you are able to control one small aspect of your life. Your Mother might not actually believe that there is no possible way you could be hurting, but is absolutely terrified of facing your problems because she doesn't know what she is supposed to do.

The fact that you state how much you love being underweight and the way it makes you feel is absolutely 100% proof that you HAVE serious food related issues and you need to seek help immediately. If your Mother won't listen to you, go to someone in your Church. Go to a counselor at your school. Go to the parent of a friend. Walk into a hospital and tell them you need help.

I had an eating disorder for ten years; it almost killed me twice. I lost pound after pound after pound but NEVER in ten years did I ever reach a place where I could look in the mirror and feel like I was good enough, thin enough, at a place where I could stop. I became completely desperate to go back to just having a normal life, being able to go out and be around friends and date and enjoy school. I lived in a world of terror and paranoia that someone was going to find out what I was doing to myself and make me stop.

Looking back, Christ, I wish someone HAD found out and forced me to get some help because I lost ten years of my life in the process.

Posting here is saying enough that you know this is bad for you and you DON'T REALLY want to go down this path, but you're conflicted. Be strong enough, and love yourself enough to get the help you need know before you end up in a place where you can't live without an addiction to self harm and unhappiness.

Jillian Jayde

[ChaosControl]

Hi there,
I know this might be easier said than done, but recovery is always within reach so please, please keep trying.
You just need to tell yourself you're beautiful the way you are. It's not easy, but it's still true. Make a list of the things that make you feel good about yourself each day. Think of ten things you like about your body. Try to avoid thinking of that weight you don't want to exceed, because it's not important; if you eat healthily you will be beautiful and healthy with no reason to change. Take it slowly and try to build up a regular schedule for meals and snacks. From my experience this gave me the control I needed to stop worrying about how much and what I was eating.
I'll say it again: you can recover. I'm here for you if you need me; just drop me a message if you want to talk. Take care

[Lost_Confused]

I guess i'm afraid of change..
I know it isn't good for me, and that it'll probably kill me, but honestly... I don't really care. I'm depressed and suicidal anyways, so if it was killing me, i'd be delighted.
I was doing pretty good earlier, but right now, some shit was going on, so i'm not doing so good right now.

[BurstingAtTheSeams]

I know how you feel,
Im permanently suicidal, always self harming and am seriously battling anorexia.
I always feel fat even though my friends say im too skinny, however, i believe im recovering.

When you look in a mirror and you think your fat, stop thinking that its you.
Imagine its a photo of someone else, and look at the whole body, not just the stomach/ legs or wherever you feel your problem areas are.

Eat at least a small meal a day, and if you arent hungry, just get say, an orange, and eat a slice every now and again- trust me, it helps.

If you feel like purging, go to you room, kneel on the floor and put your head inbetween your knees and just sit for a while, think of things that make you feel happy, or listen to music.

try not to drink too much liquid at once, or you'll feel bloated and not want to eat anything at all.

You can get over it, you just have to try hard.
Message me if you want to talk.

Take care xx

[emma01]

Originally Posted by Lost_Confused

The thing is.. i LOVE being underweight. I know it's unhealthy, but I feel actually pretty for once. Sad, i know, but i just have this thing about being over a certain weight, and i don't know how to get past it.

I totally agree...I love being underweight too...the thing is, I haven't liked myself for soo many years, now I am genuinely happy, I don't tend to worry about my weight, what I eat, calories or anything else...but I do love the fact that I am actually underweight. I like my kid sized body...my lack of "female parts" actually makes me feel young again. So my thoughts around food and that are perfectly fine, i eat whatever whenever (obviously in healthy moderation - like I will eat lots of fruit one day if I have already had lots of junk) but I haven't gained any weight since I started eating again and I like that. The fact I can fill myself up but not gain weight is a really nice thought But I have all my energy and sense of humour back and I love it