Triggering: Alcohol.

[Palmolive]

Hi.

I used to drink a lot of vodka on a daily basis. I was hallucinating badly and struggling with low mood, urges to self harm and suicidal thoughts and it helped. But I got very drunk in a very quiet park and tried to kill myself and was restrained and taken to hospital and a few days later I was admitted onto a psychiatric ward. The drinking didn't stop but it became less. I've been home for around three weeks (I was discharged after two months) and it's gotten really bad again to the point where some days its 10am and I'm already drunk.

I just don't know what to do or how to deal with it and yeah.

Jessie.

[WhisperingSilence]

The fact that you admit you know the drinking is getting worse and you know its getting bad again says to me that you know its a problem and the fact you admit that the drinking is a problem is also good. Which means that you want things to change and you want things to stop, which is also good. Can you contact any of the dr's etc from the ward and talk to them about how the drinking has got worse ? If you can - it might be a really good idea to do that.

[Ambedo.]

Hey Jessie,

I went ahead and moved this on over to Substance Use because it just seems like a better fit.

Serious question here. Does anyone know about your drinking problem? I'm not counting people that know it's been a problem in the past. I'm talking about people that know it's continuing to be a problem right now. If there isn't anyone, you really need to tell someone. There's seriously no limits on who it can be, but it needs to be someone that will continue to push you to recover. That's honestly the biggest thing that helped me when I was trying to get off of drugs and alcohol. When you have someone that you need to answer to, it gives you more of a reason to keep pushing forward. Oh, that reminds me. There is one limitation on who you tell. Make sure it's someone that you love and respect enough to be honest with. If it's someone that you're willing to lie to, it won't do you any good.

I'd also recommend seeking out some sort of support group. I'm not sure what there is in the UK, but I'd be happy to help you do some research, if you'd like. As cliche as it sounds, there's something seriously helpful about talking to people who are struggling with similar situations to yours. It reminds you that you're not alone and, when you start to care about other people's recovery, it can help you care about your own. While I never did it in terms of alcohol, I did find support groups for something else that I went through and it did me a lot of good.

Here's the thing, Jessie. You can do this, but only if you truly want to. You're the only thing holding you back from recovery. So, you have to make the commitment to recovery. Don't do it for other people, either. Use them as a support system, but do this for you. I have so much faith in you, girl. I've seen you go up against a lot and you always come out on top. So, keep pushing forward with this. You'll get there.

If you ever need anything, I'm around. I've been where you stand and I'd love to offer some support in any way I can.

[Stacey]

I agree with what people have said above. It's amazing that you've recognized that this is a problem. As others have suggested try and tell people you trust (that aren't a part of the problem) like parents or family, really good friends and also try and contact those that treated you while you were hospitalized. Things won't get better on their own unfortunately, especially when they have progressed to the point that you are often drunk by 10am. Someone mentioned that you are in the UK and there are AA meetings all across the globe, here is the link for the UK ones:
http://www.alcoholics-anonymous.org.uk/

It's a great step, especially if you can't get into proper treatment facilities and a great resource if nothing else. Many people are skeptical about AA and ask whether it's "really" anonymous, and yes 100% you only tell them as much about you as you feel comfortable, no one makes note of your first and last names and in most cases the person you choose to be your sponsor is the only person that knows things like your full name/phone number/ etc.
Please take care and work to fix this problem, you don't want it to completely ruin all the progress you've made since being discharge.

[Palmolive]

Thank you for the lovely replied. They really mean a lot to me. I looked at the link you gave me Stacey and it says there's a group in my town (literally two minutes down my road away) every Sunday at 5pm but I'm unsure about going. I don't think I'm an alcoholic so it doesn't feel right to go. It says I can ring someone to talk about the group first but I'm still not sure.

However, I'm still drinking. I've just been upstairs for a sneaky few shots of vodka. I don't know why I'm still doing it, it just helps because I feel so low.

[WhisperingSilence]

Could you talk to your Dr about this ( I know there's one Dr who helps you a-lot) perhaps you could talk to them. It might be an idea to phone up the group - you could just say I have a problem with alcohol but I don't see myself as an alcoholic is it okay for me to come to the group and get some help etc and see what they say ?

[Stacey]

There are people who attend meetings that haven't been diagnosed as full-fledge alcoholics and there are many that use the meetings as a source of information. These groups are very open to having anyone as long as they respect the privacy of the other members. If nothing else, there will be people there that may be able to point you in the right direction and serve as a point of reference.
AA meetings aren't typically how they are represented in the media, and often we get people who say they were the most beneficial to them because the level of respect you get regardless of your level of addiction, why you're there in the first place, etc.
One meeting wouldn't hurt, you can leave the meetings whenever you want they don't take attendance and don't punish you for doing so.
However, it's up to you and if talking to your Doctor is easier for you (as someone made note of above) then do that. Really, this is something that needs to be dealt with in whatever way you are most comfortable with but it is something that should be a priority.

[Ghost On The Highway]

While I won't claim any knowledge of your specific situation, I can say from experience that alcohol abuse and depression go hand in hand. A useful perspective in my opinion is to compare the relationship to hard drug addiction, heroin for example. An addict "shoots up" to experience euphoria (or relief from depression) and to avoid unpleasant withdrawal symptoms. Using the drug helps alleviate the problem temporarily, but with each use the person develops tolerance, requiring more of the substance to attain the desired effect. This exacerbates the "come down" and can cause dangerous side effects. When you reduced your drinking to moderate levels, I'm guessing it helped at first, but later you felt compelled to drink more because the good feeling diminished over time. Now, if you stop "cold turkey," you'll feel like crap, possibly for quite some time. I would recommend slowly reducing the amount you drink, with the goal of abstinence after, say, two months. A good way to do this is to switch to drinks with a lot of fluid volume but not much alcohol, such as light beer. If you find it distasteful, all the better (think of it as taking a medication).

I hope you are able to get better soon, and as others have said, rehabilitation programs can be an excellent resource. I know very little about how such programs are structured because I prefer to do things on my own. However, I have been in group programs for mental health and find them much preferable to individual therapy, so long as you have someone to hold you accountable.

Some alternative "medications" to alcohol (for depression and anxiety)
- St. Johns Wort: an inexpensive, natural "SSRI antidepressant" with few side effects
- Kava Kava: a mildly intoxicating herbal anti-anxiety drink
- Benzodiazepines (e.g. xanax, klonopin): pharmaceuticals for anxiety, which often accompanies depression. Can be habit forming and may worsen depression over time despite immediate relief, like alcohol.
- Antidepressants (e.g. prozac, effexor): pharmaceuticals for depression. Side effects tend to be immediate, can worsen depression for a few days to weeks, usually followed by long-term improvement after a month or so. Withdrawal ranges from non-existent to moderate. Expensive without insurance.

[Palmolive]

Thanks so much guys. Your replies mean ever so much to me.

My doctor is aware and so is my CPN and the crisis team - They've asked me to start cutting down what I'm drinking. I turned up to appointments drunk recently and its just getting worse. I'm still considering the group - I'm just terrified about going because I don't know what it will be like.

I spoke to my CPN today and she's talked about a referral to a drug and alochol service too but I told her that I wasn't sure about it either.

I'm just really scared about getting help for it.

[Stacey]

It's great you've notified people who are trying to help you. The website I offered you had a phone number, and if you are really that unsure about attending a meeting just calling the helpline may be able to offer you some information. At least that way, it's even more anonymous, and you can always hang up if you panic! I really think they will be able to offer you some great advice.
Either way, It's great to hear that you've gotten other people involved in getting this under control, and I hope everything starts to get better for you!