She's not the same anymore

[TH Anonymous]

[SIZE="a"]Just as a quick disclaimer: I truly hope this doesn't come across this way but I am not truly to "slut-shame" my friend in any way. My problem is not with her actions at all but just how she interacts with me and my friends.

I am currently a junior in college and said friend and I have been friends since freshman year. Classic meet in a class and become fast-friends situation and we were on great terms until about halfway through last year. My boyfriend actually made a point that he felt uncomfortable around her because she made a lot of "I hate men, they are all the problem" jokes and he didn't feel comfortable being the only man there. It took him saying something for me to realize that she has been doing that for a long time and while it never made me uncomfortable I can see how they are problematic.

He also made a great point that night as well, saying I always seem very socially exhausted after seeing her. While I had not exactly processed it myself, for about 3 months before that when we would go on drives she would only talk about herself and never ask questions about me. On top of that, the only things she would talk about were the men she had hooked up with recently and would go on for hours about these people.

For context when all of this started, my mom had been diagnosed with stage 4 cancer and had been awaiting surgery for months. She would never ask about my mom, my school, anything unless someone else was in the room and the conversation naturally stopped. While I could have asked for help more from her, I am very bad at that and struggle to bring up my own life unless prompted to (also there wasn't exactly a convenient time to break up the sex talk to talk about my sick mother, a pretty big mood killer lol).

Within this time my grandmother also passed away. I had posted something just so I didn't have to tell people individually but when we hung out next, it was never brought up. Her father had a hernia at the time and he was recovering (well might I add) in the hospital and I helped her in this as much as I could, but when she was done being sad about that she dropped me off at my place and wished me well for the week.

I and a couple of other friends have noticed this behavior and I truly don't know what to do about it. On one hand saying something could make her aware, but it could also come off really rude and just make her mad. On the other hand if I just try to let it go, there will be an exploding point from me because I am nearing my BS threshold with her. Is it worth the conflict or should I attempt to distance myself? Any thoughts would be appreciated [/size]

[Ennui.]

Hi,

I don’t think it would hurt to try and talk to her about her behavior. You’re right that this would at least make her aware of what’s going on because maybe she doesn’t realize. Make sure you use “I statements” instead of “you statements.” For example, “I feel (emotion) when (action).” This is supposed to make the person less defensive and more receptive to what you are saying. I’d also make sure that you sit her down somewhere private on a day when she’s in a relatively good mood to make her more receptive. It may help to plan out what you want to say before you talk to her to make sure you remember to discuss all the important points.

How she reacts will influence what happens next. She may understand where you’re coming from and change her behavior. That’s the ideal. She may get defensive and need a little time to think about things. Or, the friendship may end, either because she doesn’t want to accept what you’re saying or because you end up distancing yourself because nothing changes.

If you do have to distance yourself don’t feel guilty. Sometimes friendships come to a natural end and that’s okay. You still have good memories with her, which is what’s important.

I hope this helps!
Dez

Hey there, thanks for reaching out! I think Dez gave great advice in the post before mine; but I want to share my advice as well. It seems like this friend only thinks about herself, turns the conversation so she's the center of attention, and can be emotionally, socially, and mentally draining. For me, I know I wouldn't want to be around someone like that, even if they're not outwardly toxic. Why you might ask? Because your well-being and mental stability matters!

You can try to talk to her in a calm, peaceful setting. But also ask yourself and play the scenarios out in your head; and you can do that with your boyfriend as well. Would it be worth inflicting it upon yourself if she reacts in the worst way possible? But who knows, she might react positively. Some people just need a rough nudge to change their behavior, not realizing they're doing something wrong; but others just don't care and will keep behaving the way they are.

Either way, if the friendship ends or continues; just know that you're doing the right thing. Hold on to the good moments. Forget the bad, let them go.

Wishing you the best of luck. Feel free to reach out again if you need to.