Triggering (Suicide): Getting her the help she needs

[FrozenRobot7]

To make this as condensed as possible, my mom has been having a lot of health problems over the past couple years and she seems almost to have given up trying to help herself.

In December 2021 my mom went into the hospital with low oxygen and was later diagnosed with multiple blood clots in her lungs. From this, she later found out she had cancer (which thankfully she is in remission with now) but since this hospital trip really hasn't been the same. For context, she is not in the best shape and does smoke cigarettes, which has been an obvious concern for awhile. Once she got out of surgery for her cancer, it was the first time I had ever truly seen my mother want to make lifestyly changed for herself. But, that only lasted about 2 weeks and she then fully went back to her old ways. While this is not surpising as the enviornment she lives in with my father is pretty toxic, it nonetheless worried me for her long-term health.

I just got off the phone with her tonight and the last month or so she hasn't seemed herself. Incredibly tired, low oxygen and just overall pretty lethargic, all symptoms she had with the blood clots in her lungs previously. When she told me her oxygen was in fact lower than it was when she went into the hospital the first time, I overemphasized the need for her to go into the ER, but frankly she just blew this off as she often does. Without giving the actual numbers, with her oxygen as low as it is she could very well die or be having issues that could be resolved in a hospital, but she truly does not seem to care. I told her this outright, and all she could say was "I know".

I understand the enviornment she is in isn't healthly (which is why I left home in the first place), but truly how nonchelaunt she is being about this makes me believe she wants to die, at least passively. Being far away from her about all I can do is talk to her and try to convince her, but I already know her and know that won't work as I have tried for years with other issues as well. I don't know what to do, and any advice would be greatly appreciated. I'm at a loss for what to do, so anything helps

[Ennui.]

Hey,

I'm sorry that your mom is having these health problems. I understand that as both of my parents have had a lot of health issues and continue to smoke and just make unhealthy lifestyle choices.

Does your mom have any siblings, parents, cousins, etc, who may be concerned about her health as well? There's strength in numbers so maybe having someone else talk to her along with you can help her realize that multiple people are worried about her and love her, and would hate to see anything bad happen to her.

If you and another family member, or even you just solo, talk to her, try not to place blame on her or make it seem like anything is her fault, even if she does smoke or make poor choices. If you make it seem like it is her fault, she is less likely to take you seriously and is more likely to get defensive. Instead, state, "I am worried because of some concerning symptoms you have had lately. I am afraid to lose you, so can you please get it checked?" You may even want to try and find out from her why she is not seeking help. For example, is it fear? Sometimes when we are afraid of the outcome, we avoid dealing with it to begin with. As the false saying goes, "what we don't know can't hurt us." If you know the cause of her not seeking help, you may be able to tailor your actions to cover that more.

Besides trying to convince her to go to the ER, try and remind her that she is loved and that you will be there for her to the best of your ability if she needs it. She should know that she's loved and cared for.

Unfortunately, since she is an adult, there's not a ton you can do to force her to get help. If she was unconscious, was at risk of harming herself or other people, or wasn't in her right mind, it would be possible to force her into going to the hospital with an EMT or paramedic, at least in the US. As long as she is conscious and has her faculties, she has the right to refuse treatment. And it does hurt a lot when a parent or loved one refuses treatment like that, or doesn't make the necessary lifestyle changes. But, if you've tried talking to her and convincing her, a lot of it is out of your hands.

Try and remind yourself that you are doing the best you can with a difficult situation, and make sure you're taking care of yourself too. You're a great daughter for trying to look out for your mom and for sharing your concerns with her. After a tough call with your mom, try and find things to do to relax and take care of yourself, even if it's something simple like taking a warm shower and putting on your favorite movie. The stress of having a sick parent can be a lot, so it's important to make sure it doesn't get overwhelming

I hope this helps a little! Best wishes to you and your mom.