Long Vent Mostly About My Future Since IDK What I Want to Do

[Ballsack]

I don't understand what's wrong with me. I know that to have it easy in life I need to experience some hardships first and that nothing's gonna start out great from the start, but everytime I face difficulties I just immediately give up. Or if I have to work harder I just choose an easier way out. It makes me feel really pathetic and everytime I try to discipline myself it never lasts long.

Anyways, this is something I have been subconsciously aware of but recent events forces me to pay attention to it. So I got accepted into a private college, a good college at that, and of course I was happy! But my parents still wanted me to continue learning from my after school tutor and try to take the test for other college.

I had a few thoughts in mind about this situation. The first one is that this private college needs my parents to pay first for the next few months before I could be considered a student there, but if I'm accepted to the other college and decided to choose the other college then the money won't be returned. It's not a small sum by any means so I worry that it would make my family struggle, especially since we're not well off.

The second is that I don't like to study, and for as far as I can remember I've never liked studying. So the fact that I have what is basically a golden ticket to stop studying and my parents still wants me to study felt really burdensome. I know it's both because my dad had already paid for my tutor and it would be money down the drain if I don't maximise my studies with my tutor, and the second reason is to polish my mind further so I won't be rusty once I got into college.

So this has been weighing a lot on my mind and I need someone to talk to so of course I talked to my friend about it. She didn't really give a response but it's nice to let it out. I'd like to say it to my parent's face but I feel burdensome as is so I don't want then to feel like I spat on their hard work, but spat on it I did because this morning I was so tired I decided to skip school and my mom who was angry at me for skipping school decided to check my messages with my friend and found the one where I'm complaining. She got really angry and told me things I already know, like how I'm not as smart as I think I am and I'm jealous of my friend that I vented to because she's smarter and richer and able to go abroad. She's not wrong but it doesn't make sense to me because if anyone is in my situation then they'd of course feel jealous.

Anyways, I knew from a long time that I can't live like this but change is really hard and my own need for change isn't so strong that I'd force myself to struggle. And that's what I lack, that struggle, that all consuming want that would force me to change.

I'm supposed to move out and live with my aunt once I got into college but that scuffle earlier made my mom change her mind. She said I'm too undisciplined and she wondered what I would do without anyone pushing me all the time. I'm not sure since I'd rather do nothing if not forced to.

All I'm saying is that I wish I know how to change, and I wish I want to change. I have dreams too, but since it's mostly vague I haven't really moved to chase it. I think it's because my dreams are mostly simple yet difficult as any other dreams. I want to move to Canada, maybe bring my little brother but definitely not bringing my parents, then I want to change my gender maybe do hormone therapy and get top surgery. I have no dreams for jobs and whatnot so I think that's why it's difficult for me to navigate my studies and eventually my work.

[Ballsack]

Honestly for most of my life I feel like I haven't really experienced life to the fullest. That's because to go out I still would need money. Money for transport, money for food, and this isn't really necessary but money to buy. So imagining having to work or study where of course I need to focus on my task and that would sometimes mean that I have to sacrifice my social life feels dissapointing.

I thought that when I grow up I could take back all the lost time. I could finally have fun and be free, but apparently not and it's so very dissapointing.

I'm starting to realise that maybe my dreams for my future might be pretty simple. I just want to have fun and not worry about a lot of stuff. Not worry about how I look, how others precieve me, about money, etc. But apparently that is a luxury, one that I need to work hard to achieve. It makes me feel bitter to know that even the simplest things in life such as joy and travel is now commodified with an expensive price tag.

Maybe if I were able to enjoy the outside world more then I wouldn't turn out like this. Maybe I could find it in me to be motivated in life. But everything is so expensive nowadays that I'm not even sure if that will happen.

I feel childish, I feel like a spoiled brat, I feel tired and dissapointed.

[Face Up.]

You’re not childish at all.

I think as far as college goes, where you go to school and what your area of study is can make a difference. If you’re not getting good vibes from a school and aren’t studying a major that you’re interested in, it can be hard to succeed. In my experience it’s easier to study when the information is relevant to your interests. I’m not saying it’s ever going to be fun to study, but it’s a bit easier when you actually care about what’s being taught.

There’s nothing wrong with wanting to have fun in life and not worry about how others will perceive you. Of course 100% of one’s life can’t be fun but it helps when you have some personal time for yourself to discover what you are interested in, whether it’s a hobby, skill, etc.

Some colleges have social groups on campus which may make having a social life easier. My college had tons of them. At least you’d know that they’re living a similar experience as you and they have things in common. A work/school/life balance is important.

[Ballsack]

Originally Posted by Face Up.

You’re not childish at all.

I think as far as college goes, where you go to school and what your area of study is can make a difference. If you’re not getting good vibes from a school and aren’t studying a major that you’re interested in, it can be hard to succeed. In my experience it’s easier to study when the information is relevant to your interests. I’m not saying it’s ever going to be fun to study, but it’s a bit easier when you actually care about what’s being taught.

There’s nothing wrong with wanting to have fun in life and not worry about how others will perceive you. Of course 100% of one’s life can’t be fun but it helps when you have some personal time for yourself to discover what you are interested in, whether it’s a hobby, skill, etc.

Some colleges have social groups on campus which may make having a social life easier. My college had tons of them. At least you’d know that they’re living a similar experience as you and they have things in common. A work/school/life balance is important.

Thank you, I am excited for college specifically for the same reason as you mentioned. I was hoping I could maybe get better at socialising once I get into college. I have doubts like right now but I do hope that everything will turn out alright.

And I'm not sure what major I'm actually interested in but I do love storytelling and find someone who's able to create an interesting story to be admirable so I majored in english literature. I'm not sure if I'll like it yet though so sometimes when my mom said something a little mean about how I'll waste away in college it hurts a bit more than it really should have. But that's not really a big deal I think. Or at least I won't make it into a bigger deal that it should be.

[Moxie.]

Hey there,

Since Dez already responded, I'm not going to reiterate what they said. However, I do agree with the points that they made.

College is a great place to improve your social skills. Personally, I found that I was more outgoing in college because it gave me a chance to start over and be who I really wanted to be. I encourage you to find yourself (if you haven't already) and use that to fuel your social interactions. Doing so will help you choose the right friends, join the right social groups, etc. It can be daunting to connect with new people at first, but with practice, it really does get easier.

Choosing English literature sounds like a great option based on the interests you've shared with us. If it turns out that it isn't where your passion is, you may want to see if your college has the option to be an undeclared major. Basically, this means you can still take classes, but it gives you a bit more time to figure out what it is that you want to do.

If you have any other questions, comments, or concerns, please don't hesitate to respond to this thread.

Take care,
Sam