"Just need to work on myself"

[Jess~]

I think we've all heard that phrase quite a few times before, probably even said it several times as well. I know I have.

But what does it really mean to "work on yourself"? I imagine we all have our own little definition of that, and I'd like to hear yours because at this point, I don't know where else I should go with myself.


I was in therapy from October 2016 - June 2017. Through that, I was able to heal a lot from the stuff I was put through. I learned how to take on a new perspective for life, and I definitely have a much stronger, more solid mindset and outlook on my life now. I was trying to get my crap together all summer, and now I finally have a job, am taking college classes, have a solid group of friends and acquaintances, and I love every minute of those three things. I'm okay now, honestly.
There were some big things that happened, and those have been setbacks. Specifically about relationships, and for some reason I have literally always ended up with a horrible guy. There is seriously not a single instance where I didn't end up hurt and betrayed.
There was definitely a time where I sought out the wrong kind of attention, and got myself in dramatic situations with friends-with-benefits and awful, stressful, devastating "no-label relationships". But through therapy, I learned I was only hurting myself from letting myself get into those types of situations, and that I needed to establish boundaries upfront in order to find a good guy.
I did that, and I still got hurt. Not just emotionally, but physically. I thought I was going to be killed. Even when I tried to find someone who wouldn't hurt and betray me, it happened yet again. It's getting to the point where it's almost comical. Like this is some sort of demented, macabre sitcom where they want to see just how much trauma a person can go through. Actually, I take that back. It's not even some kind of messed up, "funny" coincidence. It's like a joke that has been played out for so long it's not even funny anymore. People are tired of it, wondering when it's going to be over, because the joke is just annoying now.
So now I feel like, in a sense, I need to go back to the drawing board. Start from scratch. Develop something...

But I just don't know what.
Or where to start.


So let's talk! What are some things that you tend to work through, think about, and try to improve on when you just need to work on yourself?
Any advice on what I should do too?

[MsNobleEleanor]

I am in counseling still, have been for the last four years and I still have a few more years to go through in counseling. During those four years I have attended anxiety groups (to understand and learn how to manage my own anxiety), I went to a six month 3 hour weekly BPD program (I still attend groups after I have finished when I am able to and they are only two hours), I try to manage my schedule on a daily basis.

Attending groups to help me grow and cope has been the most helpful. Understanding why things happen, gives you an idea how to manage situations that arise. Believe me, it is hard at the beginning but then it becomes easier. I want to attend more groups for other things because learning how to cope with something, is easier, hearing others also dealing with the same thing, you don't feel alone that much. Going to a group on something you struggle with, provides you with a lot of tools.

When I go to the groups, I tend to stay to myself and not interact with others or to make friends. I am basically there for myself and not anyone else.

Searching groups or mental health groups in your area, you are able to see what they have, I tend to look for the ones runned by a professional and free or low cost. You can find things on managing money, or relationships with parents/romantic/etc., abuse, addictions, etc., the list goes on and on.

In counseling, I set goals on what I would like to work on. It could be anything, but it helps to be focused. Usually, we discuss what to talk about in my next session, it might be more on that session and what I talked about that carries over to the next session.

Working on myself means a lot of different things. It could be working on anxiety again, or a conflict in my life, re-looking at things I talked about before, working on trust or communication, or anything else that is going on and the main reason why I am in counseling.

What helps is looking at goals I can do (small goals) like, being in public areas, to work on that in counseling and talking about it, then actually going out in a public place that I can tolerate.

[Lionheart]

Usually when I say I need to work on myself it is somehow connected to motivation and procrastnation. So basicly when I need to do things I don't do for whatever reason eventhough they are important or I actually want to do them.
Then I normally sit down, sometimes with a notebook sometimes without, and try to think about why. What are the reaons for my behaviour and what do I want to change? And then I try to think about the answer, like if I come to the conclusion that I don't do something because I'm afraid of failing then I go on asking myself why I am afraid of failing and then I try to inspect the answer for that as well. And at one point I might or might not finde a reason behind everything. Something I can work with. Like I can repeat to myself that the resaon I am afraid does not apply to me anymore.
Sometimes it workes. Sometimes it doesn't. And I don't always do everything in one go. Maybe I'll just arive at the conclusion I'm afraid and leave it for th day to think about it some other time because sometimes it's good to take breaks and leave the thought to come back later.
Though I guess that doesn't work for everything and everyone.

When I say I need to work on myself, it's to do with my mental well-being and how I present myself as a person, whether or not I need to improve my behavior or attitude. I've been in counseling for years now, and with my latest counselor (who I have been seeing just about a year now) we have been working on overcoming past issues and trying to let go of them. I think that's one of the biggest thing I've been working on and I've noticed a minor improvement in the past few months.

It's different for everyone, only you know yourself the best. Everyone is different, but perhaps joining a club or volunteering for a non-profit organization can be beneficial for you. I feel nobody should try to work on improving everything about themselves all at once, or else they will fail and then feel awful about that failure. As my counselor says, it's all about taking one baby step, one day at a time.

[obelus]

Personally, working on myself is a day-to-day thing. Even when I’m doing well I am still working on myself. Each day I focus on how I can do better than the previous day. I don’t really feel that there’s a concrete end goal in working on myself because I can always be better and I can always do better. One of my larger goals is to get back to college and to achieve this there are things I need to do every day.

I don’t know how long it has been since your last relationship, but perhaps you could try to focus on who you are without a significant other. It can be easy to define yourself by who you’re in a relationship, but it’s so important to know who you are outside of that. I’m mentioning this because it could be one way that you can “start from scratch.”

Finding a mental health group near you may be helpful, but there are some other things you can do on your own if that's not something you’re interested in with just finishing therapy not too long ago. One thing I know a lot of people work on is being more open-minded - myself included. There are just so many ways you can work on yourself and they don’t necessarily need to be big things. I find there are always small things to work on and they’re important, too. Some smaller things might be trying to read more, improve your sleep schedule, or do more self-care.

In my opinion, most goals in life require working on yourself. One of your larger goals might be to graduate college, so how can you work on yourself each day to make that happen? If that's a goal then you need to have decent grades to do that and ever better grades if you plan to get a higher degree, so how are you going to work on yourself to get those grades? You could work on taking better notes, studying more, or try to pay attention more in any in person classes. Those are some day-to-day things to work on.

There are always things that we can do to improve ourselves.

[Hanna Banana]

For myself working on myself through therapy always involves some sort of journal writing and occasionally some sort of Art Work in my Sketch Pad because that helps me as well. It usually stems from low self esteem issues and putting myself down which usually means my therapist wanting me to make lists of positive thoughts about myself and my accomplishments as well as a positive drawing that depicts something that brings positivity in my life. Then once in therapy the follow week we discuss the drawing and what I wrote.

[hocus pocus]

I am in therapy three times a week now but have been in counseling regularly for maybe three and a half years. I also get acupuncture for anxiety and I am on medication to help target my anxiety (it's not working yet. ).

I also listen to guided imagery or meditations. I did it more when I had time before school started but I need to get back into it. I write creatively or blog to let go of my feelings as well.

Mostly I do a lot of small self-help things throughout each day because it depends on how I'm feeling that day. I push myself a lot to do things that are good for me and I acknowledge the positive when I can.

For me it has helped to become more ready about my counseling and other aspects. For instance, we tried methods years ago that I wasn't ready or open to and I am now. It took time to become ready and I think that readiness came through my counseling.

I like what has been said above about how you're not really done working on yourself and people have told me that recovery isn't linear and I keep that in mind too.

Some people have told me that I can eliminate these disorders from my life entirely and while I respect their thoughts I do not agree. For me, I will learn to live with them and lead a healthy life despite them. I try to remain what is realistic for me.