Aromantic Asexual and kinda lonely

[Everglow.]

Hey all,

I'm not too sure whether I'm going to word this very well but it's something I really need some guidance on. A little over a year ago I discovered I was probably aromantic and asexual and came out to my friends, and since then I've also told my sister and a few people at my old job, and most people who know me know that I'm uninterested in dating or sex in any way because both make me feel a little uncomfortable. I'm not ashamed of being an aroace at all, but I'm not proud of it either.

I guess the problem is that everyone I know is romantic and sexual, in that they're searching for someone or already have someone. People I don't know are too, so internet dating is always a topc that comes up, and even my family have started talking about marriage and babies because I'm 21 now, and I guess it's a pretty normal thing to discuss. But all I keep thinking is that I'm going to be on my own in the future. It's really upsetting because I know that everyone else I'm close with will probably find someone at some point who they'll fall in love with. It's obviously not promised to anyone but it's one of those things everyone aims for. Even my parents tell me how when you find someone, your friends sort of have to share you with them. That would be fine, but all I can think about is how I'll be sharing my friends with people, but they won't be sharing me. I'll be taking a back seat for everyone and I don't really have that same future.

I guess I'm just scared because I've always felt a bit lonely as it is. It's not a new problem but now I have even more reason to see it being a problem in the long run. I don't have any aroace friends. I've tried a forum but they all tend to be really proud of who they are and they don't see it as a problem, and I'm a bit uncomfortable posting there because they all know way more about sexuality than I do.

I don't know what I'm asking but. I don't know. I needed to tell someone and if anyone at all either has a similar experience or can offer some advice I'd be really grateful.

Thanks!

[Ennui.]

Queer A-spec person here! I'm also kind of on the same boat of not really knowing...a lot about it?
For me, I try to remind myself that falling in love isn't my thing, but that's okay. I may have roommates in the future, or maybe not. Or heck, I'd be really happy with a dog!


The point is, I always try to tell myself that even though I won't have someone with me in that lovey-relationshippy way, or at least it doesn't seem that way right now, it doesn't mean I will be alone. I will still have things to fill my day with. I'll have coworkers at work. I'll have friends that I can call and try and make plans with. Just because people are married, shouldn't mean that they have no time at all for anything or anyone else. Sure they may be busier and sometimes things may need to be rescheduled, but still.

I just kind of brush it off when people give me the whole "When are you going to start dating?" spiel because I don't want to get into it and I don't want to explain what being ace means. I just kinda say "haha yeah" and let it run its course, because the conversation won't last that long anyway most of the time. And I'll be happy for whoever is entering a relationship/having a baby/etc, but that's just not for me.

I don't know if this helped at all but I hope it did!

[Tigereyes]

Wow can I relate. I'm also 21 and aro ace and not proud of it (although not ashamed either, it's just a part of me I've had to accept). I've shared the same fears for several years. One thing I can say is that being aro ace doesn't necessarily mean you have to be alone and have no future. I used to think that. But you can live with friends. My best friend and I plan to live together, and while they're obviously free to date anyone, we put each other first. It's hard to find someone who also wants friendship as their main focus in life though. I've also found that more people are aro and/or ace-spectrum than it seems. Part of that is because it's not easy to identify aro and/or ace people. But for so long I wanted to meet just one person in real life. Then I found out I had actually been friends with several ace-spectrum people for years, but they didn't know it because it wasn't obvious to them. And those people know more people like us. I know it can often seem like it, but you're not alone. Feel free to ask me any questions or message me if you want to talk.

[Everglow.]

It's so comforting to know I'm not the only one experiencing this. Thank you so much for the quick replies! I don't have very many friends, I only really have 3 close friends and two of them are straight and one of them is gay, so I don't have much exposure to people like me. I don't quite know where to look to find people to meet in real life who understand, and it just feels like people I know who aren't going through it can't really get where I'm coming from.

[Tigereyes]

I've never found ace spectrum people by looking. It always just sort of happened when I was least expecting it