My GF cannot achieve orgasm

[user1123]

Hello,
my and my new GF had our first intercourse recently. She is very inexperienced (but not virgin), even though she is a few months older that me (25 years).
She confided to me that she has never had an orgasm, not even during masturbation.
I was kind of surprised since this is new to me. My previous GFs never had such a "problem". I actually never even heard of this possibility before.
We haven't discussed it deeper yet; she is a bit shy and I didn't mean to immediately dig in it. But I am planning to have some talk on this topic.


So I am wondering, is this a common phenomenon? I consider sex to be an important part of a relationship. But now I wonder, whether she even likes sex, when she cannot reach orgasm.
I would like to know more, maybe an opinion of some women with similar... I do not really like to call it a problem, but mindset? Or a guy, who had been in a relationship with this kind of a girl?

[FlamingButterflyWings]

She might have a physical health reason that she doesn't know about that might be preventing her body from going through the process. It can be common.

[Rivière]

I've been intimate with guys before, and if I'm honest, not a single one of them has caused me to orgasm. I've either got myself off during intercourse, or faked it.

For me it's a matter of impatience. When I'm there by myself, I can set my own pace. Sometimes I'm there in 2 minutes, 5 minutes, or sometimes I can take a good 20 minutes depending on my mood. Since I'm not able to really set my own pace with sexual partners, I just do the really bad thing of getting myself off when I'm with them or pretending... however horrible it may be.

For the guys I've been with, one took far too long to achieve climax, thinking that 'all girls like that'...which we don't. I don't. Another guy had a lot of sexual partners in the past, and pretty much tarred me with the same brush on how he thought he could make me climax.

Another reason why I can't climax with others is because of fear. When alone I don't have to worry about running out of energy or feeling disappointment if no climax happened... sometimes I lose the mood and I don't really think much on it. But with another person, it's different. I fear that if I don't climax by a certain time they'll get bored or some other thing. I also have a poor history with men, so my mindset is often that 30-minute cut-off where if I don't climax by the time they do I just end up faking it because I don't want to disappoint them.

I can't really answer as to why your girlfriend can't climax other than share my own stories on the matter, but I would strongly suggest you talk to her about it. There may be an underlying cause, some kind of fear... or maybe she just simply doesn't climax in the methods she and you are using.

Talk to your girlfriend and explore different options. Sex isn't all about penetration, it's about foreplay, setting the right mood, and much more. Communicate with her on what feels right for her, and make sure she's being honest so you can get a good idea on what works for her... and what doesn't.

[user1123]

Thank you for your replies.
I certainly understand that it might be difficult (or even impossible) for a girl to climax during regular sexual intercourse and I do not make a big deal out of it.


I will definitely talk about it with my girlfriend. But the part I do not understand is that she can not climax even on her own. And that she has never ever had an orgasm.
I tried to look up some things online, if there is certain percentage of women who never had a climax, but I failed to find anything.

[Latte]

So a lot of women struggle to orgasm during penetrative intercourse. Most women need clitoral stimulation to orgasm - the stats on this tend to vary, but it's something like 75% to 90% of women need clitoral stimulation to orgasm.

It also might be that she has some sort of health condition that interferes with her libido or her ability to feel sexually stimulated (e.g.depression, anxiety, some physical health conditions, some medications). It doesn't necessarily mean she doesn't enjoy sex, just that becoming aroused or reaching a climax might be something more of a process for her.

So heres a few things:

1) most women take up to 20 minutes OR LONGER to have orgasms. If she's been struggling to achieve this on her own but getting frustrated after only 10 minutes, she might just need to wait.

2) anxiety or frustration about not having an orgasm on her own might be inhibiting her orgasm, and I would recommend that she looks into reading a book like Better Sex Through Mindfulness which gives a lot of helpful strategies that can help improve her sexual experiences. Another good book is Come As You Are. Both books will go through things about sexuality, women's experiences of it, how to overcome perceptions, barriers, etc.

3) If she's experienced sexual trauma, intimate partner abuse, or if the experience of not being able to orgasm is causing her stress or anxiety, I would absolutely recommend that she addresses this with a therapist qualified to be a sex therapist (many universities provide training on sex therapy and this can be addressed individually or wth couples, and she should also make sure the person specializes in any related issues (e.g. trauma, anxiety).

4) If she's only trying to masturbate internally and/or with her fingers, I would just like to put it out there that there are.... many other ways to do this? I won't get into specifics, but it might just be that she hasn't felt like she can try other options, but it might just be that her body likes vibration or something

5) Finally, this is for you, don't let it hurt your ego. It can be really hard to have a partner whose struggling to orgasm, it might make you feel like you're doing something wrong, but that's not the case at all. Of course, you can totally try things with her in having penetrative sex or oral sex in different ways, but ultimately, try not to take on the burden on her struggles. It might actually make it harder for her if she's now crushed because she feels like she is letting you down too. Just remember that it sounds like this was a challenge for her before you showed up and it's not your "job" to fix it or be the god who can get her to orgasm, you can simply support her and show her tools that might help her.