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Pregnancy and Childcare If you're pregnant, a young parent, or have questions related to either, ask them here!

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TH Anonymous Offline
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Does anyone ever plan pregnancy, and then choose open adoption? - December 2nd 2020, 04:26 AM

[SIZE="a"]I have two kids already. They're four & half, and six. I was nineteen when I had my first son, and both pregnancies were unplanned. I NEVER HAD A SUPPORT SYSTEM. My family, and my kids' dad thought of having a child rather than an abortion as a life ruining mistake. My family seemed excited with my first pregnancy until I gave birth. Then, they disowned my baby & I. I was a young, single mom to a new baby. No money saved up, no job, no education, no car, no phone. Literally, I took my baby, and left with nothing. We stayed in a women's shelter, and we moved around a lot. My family took me through court for a year trying to get custody, and in the middle of that I got pregnant with my second baby. Basically, they didn't support me being a good mom to my baby. They tried to convince me to sign over my rights before I took the baby, and left. Then after that they tried to get custody. It was basically like "we'll have somthing to do with your baby if you sign him over, or get him taken away. But, we want no part in you being a good mom to your baby." People that we lived with would financially support our needs at the BARE MINIMUM. Because they didn't want to watch the baby so that I could work, and become financially stable. But, in return I had to do double the favors for them. Anyway, I was looking into open adoption after I had my first son, and my mom threw it in my face, and told me she would step in, and stop it. Now she's raising both my NEICE & NEPHEW. I was choosing open adoption to 1. Get the baby away from my abusive mom, and 2. Get to still have a relationship with him. I still feel guilty for all the bad situations we were in over the last 6 years because I chose to keep him, and it was like no matter where we went nobody wanted anything to do with my kids. Both my pregnancies were somthing that were frowned upon. I was punished, condemned, and shamed for them. My family, and my kids' dad thought of it as me ruining my life not only once, but twice. They, along with my kids' dad tried pushing me into abortion both times. I just thought if I purposefully got pregnant a third time, and chose open adoption I could enjoy it, and have that support system that I never had with the other two.[/size]
   
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Celyn Offline
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Re: Does anyone ever plan pregnancy, and then choose open adoption? - December 2nd 2020, 01:01 PM

Open adoption isn't common where I'm from, but I did a little research and it does seem like an interesting alternative to closed adoption. But like everything in life, there are always pros and cons.

Many people choose putting up a child for adoption for many reasons, including feeling like there is a lack of support and financial resources. It may be less common to plan a pregnancy and then choose adoption, but I imagine it's not unheard of. Especially since you're also trying to get away from your abusive family and feel you have little community support. Then again, you were young at the time of your first child and had nothing, and I'm wondering if there is any possibility that your family felt that you didn't have the financial resources to cope and perhaps wanted custody as a way of supporting you and the baby (as opposed to thinking that you aren't a good mother)? Other people may have felt uncomfortable with the idea of looking after your baby so that you could work for many reasons, though I understand this didn't help you in the long term.

You would have to look into the finer details of how open adoption works- I imagine the biological father of the baby may have a right to know and support, or not, the decision to put the baby up for open adoption.

It does seem like a good alternative to the typical closed adoption where you can't have a relationship with your child. And even better if you get to choose the adoptive parents and have supportive relationships with them as well. But I'm wondering how you would cope with any feelings of loss or grief surrounding putting your child up for adoption (even if it's open)?

I understand that when you had your first child, you were young and had nothing. I'm wondering whether your situation has improved at all now e.g. money and work? I'm also wondering why you are thinking of planning to get pregnant followed by open adoption and not considering the possibility of co-parenting with the future baby's father, whom could potentially offer support with raising a child? Your children's father may have disagreed with having children and even wanted you to have an abortion, but that doesn't mean that a potential father would feel the same.

It might be worth contacting Planned Parenthood for further information on open adoptions and even better if you can talk to them for impartial advice or get referred to an adoption counsellor. You might want to check out Planned Parenthood's articles on considering adoption and adoption facts and information.


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Last edited by Celyn; December 2nd 2020 at 04:32 PM.
   
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